Ready, Set, GO

I hardly watch tv now I have discovered blogs. Who knew? I see the RE again next week. To sign consent forms, get BCP prescription, look at a bowel gas ultrasound .... I hope I can start SOON!!! AF is due on the 16th June. Bring it on!

I feel anxious, excited, and impatient about starting ivf. It's so DELIBERATE, isn't it. No "oops" involved. I'm in awe of the procedures available. Worried about the shots, and how cranky I may get. I have vowed to myself to keep my "cranky symptoms" to myself, as Mr TC is concerned at how shitty I might be.

Slowly but steadily over the past three years, my pregnancy/baby radar has grown stronger. Bellies, babies, everywhere. The yearning, aching, deep, deepest desire. I don't believe I've wanted anything more. And I just realised yesterday that I don't want everyone to know because it's just PRIVATE. I don't feel ashamed, but if I go through all of this with no baby at the end, well .... I just don't want people to know. I told one of my sisters yesterday - the first person I have opened up to about it. Her youngest just turned 2 - she was so sweet, saying I could have her cot, pram, clothes, etc. omygodthatwouldbesocoolpleasepleaseplease

The One with the Bowel Gas

Hey, you know how when you get an ultrasound, they give it to you at reception with that sticker on it that says "Confidential, only to be opened by referring doctor". Ha ha ha - that's funny right? Because I'm sure everyone opens them straight away, right? Right? (Hello?)

Well, I opened mine, read it and I'm not happy. Firstly, during the actual ultrasound, the nice-yet-bored lady was cruising, clicking, taking photos of this and that. When she typed in "Endometrium", I thought, (in all of my newbie glory) "Ohhhhh NOO!! That's bad!!" I spoke, lump in my throat and tears welling. "Um, do I have endometriosis?" I quivered, thinking oh God I can't believe it. She stops looking bored, swaps to puzzled, and slightly amused. "No - that's your endometrium". Silence. Sensing my ignorance, she explains that it is the name for the lining of my womb. "Oh. Cool". (I seriously have no fucking idea!!!!)

I asked her if eveything was ok - she said it was, she just couldn't find my left ovary, she nicely said it was behind my bowel. Later I read that BOWEL GAS was impairing the vision. Can't wait to show my BOWEL GAS ultrasound to my RE.

So I rip open the ultrasound as I'm walking out of the place - I have a nab0thian cyst. 9mm in diameter. Doctor Google says that it's probably harmless. I'm really worried it will affect my plans to start the baby making plan next cycle?? I would really appreciate anyone's wisdom on this. And thanks so, so much to everyone who commented their support on my last post. I feel like the new kid at school is finally making friends.

CONGRATULATIONS BUMBLE!!

I'm going to try to have a baby.

I actually got into my car and drove down to the fertility clinic yesterday. A real, live, fertility clinic to see *gasp* .... a real, live, doctor who is going to help me get knocked up. Fuck. This isn't just a wish or dream anymore. I'm trying not to be hopeful - as H0mer Simps0n would say "Try? You don't try. That's the first step to failure!"


The doc was so lovely. I had my official folder ready, with recent blood and pap results, and anything else I thought she may need - I even dutifully nodded when she asked if I was on folic acid. I could sense Mr TC's amazement when I whipped out a list of my previous 6 months cycling history.


The news was pretty good. We know exactly what we need - icsi due to vasectomy - she explained that because my age is still good for having a baby, and as I have already done it once before, then the stats are pretty good. She gave us a 40% success rate - but that's just a number. I'm not fond of stats at the best of times. I need to get more bloods and an ultrasound this week, if that's all ok then I can start on BCP my next period. Which is 3 weeks away. Oh I'm so excited about it. Mr TC took the day off work, and has been really lovely about it all. (Although he was obsessed over the thought of twins - something he wants to avoid at all costs.)

The hope really does creep on quite early in the piece. I got home to promptly work out my EDD if I was to fall on my first cycle. Because ivf is so easy.
D'oh!

The Girl Can LINK

Linking is easy. Who knew?? (Thank you Bumble!)

The lovely Von has tagged me - a while ago now ...

This little girl needs to come home. I'm thinking of her constantly. Her parents haven't given up hope and neither should the rest of us. Many, many people all around the globe are praying for her safe return.

Bono at U2.com. Best band the planet will ever see.

Bookcrossing is the World's Biggest Book Club. And it's free. I logged on, saw a book had been released in my local cafe ... and promptly went and found it! Let me know how you go ..

Lastly, this. Just for a laugh. Went for a walk this morning and I suddenly said to Mr TC "Hey, do you remember that show in the eighties with that monkey, and he had that tiny wand behind his ear?" He did - and we both re-enacted Monkey calling his cloud. So random and FUCKING HILARIOUS. Life is a BIG MASSIVE PILE OF DOGSHIT sometimes and we need to just laugh for the fucking sake of it.

Gorgeous Vee has also tagged me, for the "I Am" thingamajig .....

I am scared of dying.

I love my husband so much. SO MUCH.

I am extremely private and don't like getting too close to people.

I am 100% sure that my desire to fall pregnant is not my latest "obsession', or "passing fad". I long for another baby so much that my soul hurts.

I am worried that people may not think I belong to this blogging genre, and want me to fuck off.

I am not afraid of hell. I have already been there and I'm not going back.

I am now tagging :

Gemini Girl because she said she wanted to be tagged! (Plus she's born and raised in New York - v.cool)

Stacie - to help keep her occupied during the non-sleeping mornings!

I have a 1500 word article due on Tuesday morning. It's on scaffolding .. boring but the pay is awesome. I love freelancing, bringing in money and working from home. So lucky.

Blog Virgin

I may be a freelance writer, but fucked if I'm tech-savvy. Please - can someone PLEASE give me a few pointers on how to link?? (I have been tagged and want to get cracking) ..... plus, how the fuck do you do a blogroll? What's the blog etiquette on that - can I just add anyone's blog to it?

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!!

Decisions, decisions

Yesterday I FINALLY sat down with Mr TC and explained to him what ivf meant, procedures involved, etc. He was a bit spun out, hadn't realised how full on it would be. This freaked him out a little. (My freakout was months ago, when I first started googling like a demon).

Anyhoo, he says, "Well, how much does a vasectomy reversal cost anyway?" (I googled it later - $6,500!!! Haven't told him that gem yet!!) ...... I'm going to call his medical fund today, to ask if a reversal is covered. Mr TC had a very, VERY bad vasectomy experience. Some cowboy GP did it in his surgery under NO anasthetic *shudder*. So that's why he's been wary.

We are booked in on Tuesday for first RE appt, hopefully we can be steered into the right course of action. I have read a lot of cases where reversal wasn't successful, so Ivf/Icsi Miami was needed anyway. Which doesn't help in my "Want To Be Pregnant NOW" scenario.

Am going down to Glebe tonight for a friends birthday. I have beautiful friends. 

Blogs, Booties, and a Bigmouth

It's a glorious day in this corner of the world this morning. The great thing about working from home? Being my own boss. The drawback of working from home? Being my own boss.

I received a tiny parcel in the mail yesterday - bought from eBay. A pair of divine, fluffy little yellow booties. I read somewhere that it's good luck to sleep with yellow booties under your pillow if you want to have a baby. (Feeling slightly sheepish that I just admitted that!)

On Saturday we had some friends over for brekkie. We have a wonderful community up here, but I'll be fucked if all and sundry start knowing that I MIGHT be starting ivf soon. That's even if we get the go-ahead ... Mr TC was on heavy treatment last year *shudder* his last treatment was in December. You supposedly have to wait for six months after treatment before you start trying for a baby. I don't know if his vasectomy affects that - we shall have to wait and see.

Mmmmmmmmm, waiting - don't ya just love it!!!

The House of 1000 Mirrors

Long ago in a small, far away village, there was a place known as the House of 1000 Mirrors.

A small, happy little dog learned of this place and decided to visit. When he arrived, he bounced happily up the stairs to the doorway of the house. He looked through the doorway with his ears lifted high and his tail wagging as fast as it could. To his great surprise, he found himself staring at 1000 other happy little dogs with their tails wagging just as fast as his. He smiled a great smile, and was answered with 1000 great smiles just as warm and friendly. As he left the house, he thought to himself, "This is a wonderful place. I will come back and visit it often."

In this same village, another little dog, who was not quite as happy as the first one, decided to visit the house.

He slowly climbed the stairs and hung his head low as he looked into the door. When he saw the 1000 unfriendly looking dogs staring back at him, he growled at them and was horrified to see 1000 little dogs growling back at him. As he left, he thought to himself, "That is a horrible place, and I will never go back there again."

All the faces in the world are mirrors. What kind of reflections do you see in the faces of the people you meet?

Japanese Folktale

Prayers

Von from Murphy is a Bastard (the one with the transfer on Saturday - thinking of you!!!) and I had a serendipitous blog posting experience. In a very Zenlike, Buddha way. Cripes! What does it all mean ...

I cannot stop thinking about little four year old British Maddie McCann, abducted from her hotel room in Portugal five long days ago. Dear God, please let some light shine in the heart of whoever has her, let her return home with her family. I can't imagine what her parents must be going through. Worst nightmare that they can't wake up from.

The dear little sweet girl, I've shed tears, but am praying for a miracle. xo

The Letter B, proudly brought to you by Buddha. And Baby.

We got some junkmail the other day; think it was a brochure for health insurance. Mr TC looked at it in my hand, and said "What's that? Something for the baby?" (He thought it was a fertility clinic brochure). I said no, walked off, and then it struck me - he just said the word "baby". Shit. Completely matter-of-fact. COOL.

I work as a magazine editor, and soon I'll be officially starting my own freelance writing business from home as well. Specifically so that I could a) be my own boss b) have flexible working hours and c) still work from home .... with a baby. If I do ivf. If it works.

In exactly two weeks from nowI will be sitting in this same spot on the couch, 20 to 1 on in the background, cup of Sleepytime tea to balance out the chocolate .... blogging about what the fertility geniuses reckon we can do.

Not that I'm counting down or anything.

Pic is the view from my back deck. How's the serenity.

Like sand through the hourglass ..

Fuck I wish I was pregnant. All. The. Time. Mr Topcat (the one with the vasectomy) asked me last year if my deepening desire was only because I (read=he) couldn't have one; maybe I didn't really want one. I had to think about it ... for a nanosecond. "No" I replied. "I'm sorry hon, but I truly, really want a baby so much that I can feel it deep, deep down in my soul. This feeling isn't going away. It's getting stronger. It's like this primal thing I can't explain." All of his kids (his first is his step daughter) were born 5 years apart from each other. All are great kids. We had his son live with us for the past 6 years - god I miss him. He's recently gone back to live with his mum, in a different state. (Long story). So poor little Tiger is pretty devo, and misses his brother terribly.

Our appointment with an RE ( I think that's what they're called!!) is on May 22nd. It will cost $250 for our initial consultation. I have been reading as many blogs as I can on people going through this the first time, to get some idea. I've been known to be a moody bitch at the best of times - I wonder how the drugs will affect me? It's about an hour and twenty minutes drive EACH WAY to the clinic. Fuck. It looks like daily blood tests are on the cards at some point? And exactly how much Medicare rebate will we get? How will I know all of the medical jargon? Does Mr TC need a checkup on his sperm before a MESA? We can't do an IUI (aspirated sperm from a vasectomy don't swim) so we'll definitely be doing the ICSI. "Definitely" - ha ha.

I've already resigned to the fact that I will be looking after any baby we are fortunate to make .. on my own. I already take care of Tiger's needs pretty much solo anyway. That's ok. My god I adore that boy my heart just bursts. When he was little I'd put him down for a nap and MISS him, couldn't wait for him to wake up. I've gotten the hang of this domestic/housewife/cooking/cleaning/washing person. I'm good at it. I love cooking, love having dinner ready for when my husband gets home. He works so hard .. it's good to be team.

Due to Mr TC's medical issues, we had such a putrid year last year. And we stuck it out. Still here. We get through a lot together.

I want to be pregnant this time next year. I'm scared to admit it to myself - much less anyone else. I have told NO-ONE of the seriousness of my plans. I don't want anyone to know. Don't want to jinx myself. I don't believe I've ever wanted something as badly as this.

Fuck I wish I was pregnant. All. The. time.