Thursday, 3 May 2007

Like sand through the hourglass ..

Fuck I wish I was pregnant. All. The. Time. Mr Topcat (the one with the vasectomy) asked me last year if my deepening desire was only because I (read=he) couldn't have one; maybe I didn't really want one. I had to think about it ... for a nanosecond. "No" I replied. "I'm sorry hon, but I truly, really want a baby so much that I can feel it deep, deep down in my soul. This feeling isn't going away. It's getting stronger. It's like this primal thing I can't explain." All of his kids (his first is his step daughter) were born 5 years apart from each other. All are great kids. We had his son live with us for the past 6 years - god I miss him. He's recently gone back to live with his mum, in a different state. (Long story). So poor little Tiger is pretty devo, and misses his brother terribly.

Our appointment with an RE ( I think that's what they're called!!) is on May 22nd. It will cost $250 for our initial consultation. I have been reading as many blogs as I can on people going through this the first time, to get some idea. I've been known to be a moody bitch at the best of times - I wonder how the drugs will affect me? It's about an hour and twenty minutes drive EACH WAY to the clinic. Fuck. It looks like daily blood tests are on the cards at some point? And exactly how much Medicare rebate will we get? How will I know all of the medical jargon? Does Mr TC need a checkup on his sperm before a MESA? We can't do an IUI (aspirated sperm from a vasectomy don't swim) so we'll definitely be doing the ICSI. "Definitely" - ha ha.

I've already resigned to the fact that I will be looking after any baby we are fortunate to make .. on my own. I already take care of Tiger's needs pretty much solo anyway. That's ok. My god I adore that boy my heart just bursts. When he was little I'd put him down for a nap and MISS him, couldn't wait for him to wake up. I've gotten the hang of this domestic/housewife/cooking/cleaning/washing person. I'm good at it. I love cooking, love having dinner ready for when my husband gets home. He works so hard .. it's good to be team.

Due to Mr TC's medical issues, we had such a putrid year last year. And we stuck it out. Still here. We get through a lot together.

I want to be pregnant this time next year. I'm scared to admit it to myself - much less anyone else. I have told NO-ONE of the seriousness of my plans. I don't want anyone to know. Don't want to jinx myself. I don't believe I've ever wanted something as badly as this.

Fuck I wish I was pregnant. All. The. time.


Von said...

Way too over-hung at the moment to say anything remotely intelligent.
Let me get back to you.
Hang in there..............

topcat said...

Ahhhhhhhhh, hangovers. The one part of drinking I most definitely don't miss .... hot tip from an alkie: Vitamin B capsules before you go to bed.

Vee said...

I am glad Mr TC is on your side. It would be difficult to get through it on your own.

Forget about the level head you will lose that some time through out your cycle anyway. lol

I hope you will be pregnant this time next year !

Fuck I wish I was pregnant. All. The. Time. Too.

Von said...

Bugger, wish I'd known. Will have to prepare better next time.

topcat said...

Hello Vee!!
Nice to hear from you.

I'm thinking of you xo