Monday, 14 July 2008

321dp2dt

To dearest Monkey,

You will never read this blog, but I'm going to write you a letter here anyway. You are SPECTACULAR. Once upon a time you were sitting in a little dish along with eight others just like you, and the doctor came down with his little tweezer-like thingies and plucked you out. I imagine you sitting there, waving a teeny embryonic hand in the air. "Pick me! Ohhh, pick me!"

And he did. And you are SPECTACULAR.

I hugged you last night - really, really hugged you closely, drank you in and was filled with the Love ... the Love that I should have felt when you first came out. Let's face it my Little Sunshine - the first two months of your life have not been an easy time for anyone in the Topcat family. I hope that starts shifting soon.

Two months!! Exactly two months ago today, I was running around the house packing my hospital bag, big-bellied and frantic, my heart breaking every time I looked at your daddy.

Your daddy has been very sick. Everybody is hoping and praying and wishing him to become well again. The doctors are making him even sicker, so that he will come back better and stronger and able to move all the mountains he usually does. Your daddy is the strongest person in the world. You haven't seen that yet, but you will. You have more hair than him! He always comes up to you and blows a raspberry on your face. He has given you bottles, baths, and hugs. He adores you so much, and secretly confided in me how having you is making him fight harder.

You are my little cutie, with your button nose and delicate little face. You have started smiling and cooing, making mummies heart melt with gratitude and love. We got your feeding issues sorted out, and now you are much happier. (Sorry about that).

Sorry also about:

1. Being so preoccupied most of the time
2. Blaming my big fart on you last week
3. Constantly answering questions about how daddy is. It must be all you ever hear about - I will put a stop to that, I promise.

I will make mistakes, my sweet. That is my job! I will fuck up as a parent, hurt your feelings, be cranky, do things wrong, laugh at misfortunes. Ask your big brother Tiger ... the other day he built the best Lego ship ever, but it got tangled in mummies scarf and came crashing to the ground. Mummy has a dreadful, uncontrollable habit of laughing at other peoples misfortunes. She spent the rest of the day apologising to Tiger, even bought him some new Star Wars Lego out of guilt. (Parental guilt is GREAT for kids - you'll see).

You have the best big brother in the world. He is itching for you to grow a little bit bigger so he can play with you more. He loved you straight away.

I saw you when you were four cells old. Four cells. I wonder which cells I saw? A cell in one of your beautiful dimples? A cell in the fold of skin under your cute little bum? Or one from a strand of the most gorgeous hair ever? Most definitely I saw one from the depths of your iris, because when I look into your eyes, my precious boy, I feel like I have known you from the beginning. My heart gets pulled and my tummy seems giddy and I miss a breath.

I love you.

You came from the Other World. You brought precious gifts of love and healing. Thank you.

All my love forever,

Mum
xox
oxo
xox
oxo
xox
oxo

6 comments:

Geohde said...

Mz TC,

Not only an awesome letter, but the title? Sheer genius,

J

vamplita said...

What a fantastic letter, TC! Your boys are so very fortunate to have you as their mum.

Happy Two Months Birthday, Monkey!

Diana said...

Oh that is just too sweet, I love when you wonder what cells the 4 became.

Happy 2 month birthday.

Pixxiee said...

You made me cry! What a love letter.

I know you'll laugh, but when I did my IVF I had my eggs as my desktop screensaver. Until a workmate pointed out that if you looked closely you could see all the sperm around the edge trying to get in. I decided I didn't really want a cumshot on my screen!

I'm thinking of you. Often. And I loved this post and the love that is in it. Just good stuff.

Hugs
Pixxiee

PaleMother said...

"I saw you when you were four cells old. Four cells. I wonder which cells I saw? A cell in one of your beautiful dimples? A cell in the fold of skin under your cute little bum? Or one from a strand of the most gorgeous red hair ever? Most definitely I saw one from the depths of your iris, because when I look into your eyes, my precious boy, I feel like I have known you from the beginning."

I loved this.

D. was here.

xxoo

Vee said...

That is gorgeous TC. Amazing isn't when you think he was only 4 cells.

I hope Mr TC is doing ok with Chemo this week.