Thursday, 17 July 2008

The Strangest Thing Happened On My Way to a Nervous Breakdown Today ....

Last night I went to bed so distressed and defeated. I dreamt all night that Tiger and I were doing chemo as well. We knew we had to stick together, to make it through.

I woke up this morning, so renewed ... and different. It's hard to explain it without sounding like a complete nutjob. It feels like I have been given a reprieve. I believe I'm living in Grace.

I was brought up Catholic ... First Holy Communion, Confirmation, church every Sunday. Fucking hated it - it was so boring. God was powerful and strong, a man (obviously!) .... and a nasty, hateful, vengeful prick. I was terrified of Him. Then I went to confession - I would kneel in that little booth, nervous guts, and tell the priest my sins. Sometimes, it felt like he was waiting for more sins, after I told him all of mine. So, I started making them up. I started lying to the priest! Wasn't that a bigger sin than all of mine put together? The rest of my Sundays were spent in such anxiety, I would look at my mum and my sisters and envy their peace of mind, all the while my mind was screaming out You are going straight to hell! Liar!

Anyway fast-forward to when I started counselling for the first time in my life, because I was so, so depressed and fucked up. It was AWFUL. I was 21 years old! I only went to the counsellor twice, didn't bother going back. Because "He did nothing - all he did was write down my drinking and drugging history."

I bought books to find out who God was - Mormons, Scientology, the Bible. I went to my first rehab. I became a born-again Christian, until they staged an intervention and all laid hands on me and asked for the 'demon' to come out.

As I've grown and matured, so has my relationship with God.

The God I believe in isn't the judgemental God of my childhood anymore. The God I believe in sent very fucking powerful Angels - from this world and another - to watch out for me as I went through what I did. God gave me love through my precious Nan, oh she loved me! She didn't look straight through me, she saw me, hugged me, told me I was worth something.

My God is a God of coincidence and strange happenings. Gives me magic and miracles. My God got me knocked up at five months clean, knowing what a good mother I would be. If I pray for patience, my God sends me a traffic jam. My God wants me to always keep growing and learning. Not to give up.

God is Buddha is Jesus is Muhammad is Love is Compassion is Truth is Spirit is Sacred. The big sky and a grain of sand.

Months before Mr TCs diagnosis, I was aware of a big darkness. I thought it was because I hadn't spent much time on my spiritual self, and kept thinking I needed to connect with God again. Later I realised I was sensing the shadows of my husbands black tumours. Cancer must be the opposite to God.

The birds and butterflys before my embryo transfer; the amazing relationship with my sisters; spine-tingly moments when someone has shared something powerful in a meeting; the way Monkey looks at me (me - the crankiest mummy in town, for fucks sake. And he still loves me!); lead singer of the best band in the world kneeling down in front of me - in front of sixty thousand people - and holding my hand. Bono held my hand. No other cunts.

God God God God God.

God is listening to Coldplays latest album on my iPod. Especially the title track, Viva La Vida. To me, it's all about Mr TC, how he now sweeps the streets he used to own.

Today I feel Grace has been given to me. Without a doubt, I could not get through this next period of my life on my own. I can't do it by myself ... and now I'm not. I feel Peace and Calm and Strong. I could not have recovered from drugs and alcohol without a spiritual awakening .... there's no way I can get through Mr TCs cancer AND a newborn AND mothering Tiger AND being in recovery. I mean who the fuck could? Not even Angelina Jolie and her truckload of hired help could handle this shit, I'm sure. (Ooh, what I wouldn't give for a nanny right now!)

Today I watched Tiger jumping on the trampoline, my heart soaring every time he showed me his next move. He always begs me to watch him jumping. I watched him living in that moment, he was literally jumping for joy ... so free - from worries, and pain, and panic. Just jumping. Tonight we made cups of tea and sat in his room on beanbags and watched Dumb and Dumber, laughing together at the most annoying sound in the world. I just changed Monkeys nappy .... he was looking at me with SUCH adoration. I said "Yes, don't worry. Mummy will watch Jim Carrey movies with you when you get older."

My heart is lighter, like I have a river in there. I feel so blessed, and stronger, and capable. I also know that this feeling is real, and will last.

Thank motherfucking God for that.

(God knows I swear and is ok with it.)

"What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things."

- u2


dee said...

There but for the grace of God go I.

Indeed, you are blessed, and strong, and capable.

Your time with Tiger and Monkey yesterday sounds like bliss. I need to remind myself to slow down and savor those times you, I sometimes tend to be too busy or only stop for a minute before moving on.

You are the very epitome of grace dear lady. It will see you through.

Gemini Girl said...

I am so glad that GD sent you grace through your dream. He does that. I know it.

My grandmother often comes to me in my dreams. She doesnt speak to me but she stands there. And I know that she wants me to know that she is watching over me. I knwo she was the one of the souls who was with me when I was in labor at 25 weeks at 40% vitality. She was the one who helped me get to 30 weeks and 97% vitality. She is with me everyday through my dreams.

I think you are very atuned to your spiritual side. You always knew something was coming. You need to let this grace guide you through this time.

wordgirlredux said...

Oh Topcat,

I was so filled with emotion when I read this post

(and then I had to wrangle around with the bastard blogger which is making it hard for me to post comments for some reason -- thus the new moniker)

You and I must be on the same effing page today my friend -- this post spoke powerfully to me.

You are so honest with yourself and so willing to open your heart TC. I truly am in awe of you.

You held Bono's hand and I felt his sweat -- how's that for connectivity? But, really -- what I thought of when you were writing that post was that of God's miracles? For me -- you are one of them.




Tobacco Brunette said...

Beautiful post. I truly felt a wave of calm washing over me while I read about your own state of grace, and watching Tiger jump and jump.

A wonderful gift you've received, it seems, and a wonderful gift you're giving in sharing it so eloquently with all of us.


PaleMother said...

I hear ya, TC


D was here.

Pixxiee said...

Loving this post. Loving it. And your reconnection with the things that really matter. Watching Tiger jump. Taking care of Monkey.

Hold on to it sweetie. Remember today through the bad days that might come.

rex said...

Ahhhhh TC - our beautiful wonderful amazing Nan always said from the time you were a tiny little girl you would be a great writer one day - how right she was!! What an amazing post; what an amazing woman (with man hands) you are. I CAN NOT believe how well you are handling this motherfucking bullshit (I guess the swearing runs in the family - sorry God). I am so proud of you - SO SO proud. These days are dark, we're talking motherfucking pitch black; but you'll get through em mate - you know it - I know it. Its not fair - you pricks don't deserve this bullshit but hang on to that grace (which I reckon maybe Nan had something to do with?) and walk on my friend. Peace out - sollid xx booomchickawaaaahwahhhhwaaaaaaah xx

rex said...

PS. I used to lie every Sunday to that priest - and all the others we were dragged to. Where the fuck was his grace? silly prick...

Stacie said...

TC, this post makes my heart sing. I am so happy that you have found some peace in maddness. May God continue to lift your spirit and help you find your strength as you tackle what lies ahead.

You my dear are a blessing to all who know you.

Much love...

Geohde said...

TC, I read your post and smiled. If you can make me smile writing about all the bad shit going on, I believe you WILL make it,



m said...

Amen, TC, Amen


Anonymous said...

Such a beautiful post. And thank you for sharing your Grace with us all.

Grace is so good.

Tobacco Brunette said...

TC and Rex -
I too lied at confession. Every single time.


Vacant Uterus said...

TC, I have been praying this peace for you for so glad to see that it has found you! Grace does indeed make beauty out of ashes and gives us strength for our fear.

You are right; God is not waiting for you in a confessional booth, ready with a punishment. God is outside, jumping on that trampoline with Tiger, waiting to laugh with you, to embrace you, to say "Come and have fun with me, dearest daughter!" His goal is always restoration, never separation. Judgement brings separation. Grace brings restoration.


r.a.w. said...

I have no words, only prayers. So glad to see this post after the last. My heart breaks for you when you struggle.

Sending love.

Stacie said...

You will appreciate this, TC. I know it will make you laugh. :-) GO to this address...

Heehee. Much love!

Vee said...

Oh TC this post bought tears to my eyes. I am so happy you have found peace and even happier you have realised how amazing you are!

Tee said...

God - or "gawd" as my two and Monkey like to call him (her? it?...) works in mysterious ways my little bro-cuz.

And why do you think Catholics have so much guilt??


The things our family has to go through in order to get peace just fucks my mind (I know, I'm better off not to overthink it).

love you, love this.

Tee xoxox

Tee said...

I meant Tiger, not Monkey - sheesh don't even know my own nephews!!

vamplita said...

So, so relieved to see that you've found the "peace that passeth understanding". You may never understand why this kind of crap happens to a person, but you have (at last) found an inner peace that will help you deal with it.

And yes, He's there with you, and I'm so glad He is. You've "let go and let God", in a way. At least as much as a "redhaired and vengeful" person can. :)

Sugar and Ice said...

I know this post is several days old, but I have a lot to catch up on since my internet is finally fixed :).

I'm so glad that you found God's Grace. He is EVERYTHING good in this world. He is always there for us...through good and bad. Even when life is sucking, if we really look, He's there...and He helps if we let him. I know your life right now is really rough, an I honestly can't even imagine going through what you guys are, but just keep Him in mind every time you feel that cloud creeping over your shoulder.