Saturday, 19 July 2008

Still

This morning, we went for a walk around the lake. All of us ... the last time we have done this was around November, before I got so big. When I was pregnant, I would dream of the day when the baby would be here, and we could all be a family, how happy and complete it would feel.
I thought that once the baby was here, I would never ask for another thing again in my life. The hole will be filled, I will be content, whole and complete. Forever.

HA! I mean, of course I am amazed and so, so in love with Monkey. More and more every day, actually. It's a relief to see him get a little bit bigger and more robust. I'm getting the hang of his needs .... I know what to do to prevent his big crying jags. As Rex said .... it's a big shock, to be born. Especially having a planned c-section. He got a rude awakening, he got birthed before he told us he was ready to come out. He's so cute. He coos, and smiles. He saves his biggest smiles for mummy, I am incredibly blessed that he is a healthy, happy(ish) little baby. Sometimes, though, he has had to come second, or third in my priorities. It appears that cancer trumps newborn, every time - in fact, taking care of a tiny baby is PISS-EASY compared to wondering if your husbands tumours are going to shrink; is this just the beginning watching Mr TC fight a dreadful cancer battle that goes on and on and on. God I hope not.

Anyway ... it was a really nice walk. I had Monkey in the sling, Mr TC was walking the dog, Tiger was chatting away about the lego people in his pockets. Mr TC had a hard day today. I can't imagine what it must be like for him. Sometimes I don't want to - sometimes I just have to detach myself from him and the pain he is going through, aware that I have that luxury. He doesn't.

There has been a huge, powerful, sustainable shift in me ... and not of my own doing. I have completely surrendered to it all, and it's just so much easier now. I've let go, put down my fighting gloves, no longer in a rage at what has happened. Things seem clear and calm. It still sux dogs balls badly, but I'm not about to jump off a cliff.


Grace truly is a powerful gift.


It's winter here ..... I HATE WINTER. I'm counting down the days til spring. Today was very cold, but there wasn't a cloud in the sky.


Mr TC and Mischka .......


Mr TC and Tiger ....


I'm in love with carrying Monkey in the sling. The fancy $500 pram sits forlornly in the hallway, gathering dust. In this pic I have my ugly bushwalking boots on, and for the love of God ... LEGGINGS? What was I thinking! How could I not have put a skirt on over the top? I am standing next to the "vagina sculpture". (Not really, but that's what we call it) ...




I had the BEST view. Every time I looked down, in fact ....




Lovely tree, hey? Note my SIX YEAR OLD SON HALFWAY UP IT. I nearly shat my ugly leggings ....



Me and Monkey appear to have matching outfits on. Apparently, I love hoodies. And stripes. And striped hoodies ......


I took a photo as I was downloading all my pics this afternoon. My husband is asleep on the couch, because he is in the middle of chemo, because he has cancer. And he feels miserable, shitty, and sick. Today, I didn't freak out about it, or panic, or argue.


I can't believe he used to live in my belly ....






I am so blessed.
xoxox

7 comments:

Gemini Girl said...

Hey there ladybug- beautiful pictures. Beautiful town- have I mentioned that when I win the lotto (and do intend to) I will be coming to visit you?

Keep strong my stripped hoodie mentor.

Almamay said...

Wow, fantastic photos. You are bless and so are we for being allowed to share your experiences. x

Evil Stepmonster said...

Wow, looks like you had a lovely family day. Sorry that Mr TC is feeling bad again, I hope the pain is the cancer on its way out. Forever.

Don't bag the leggings, they show off your gorgeous long legs. And your boys are beautiful Topcat, you are blessed and i'm so glad you've found some peace at last.

Stacie said...

Sounds like a great day. So glad you were able to get out as a family!

Love, love, love the picture of Monkey smiling. That look is priceless!

Vacant Uterus said...

Look at what a beautiful family you are! Bush boots, leggings and all. :-)

Some days with Sarge, I had to close myself off to all he was experiencing, too. It made me feel like a bad wife, like I was abandoning him emotionally. But I just couldn't take it one more second. Thinking about what it must be like in his head was unbearable. I had to walk away sometimes. He's better now (though he'll never be cured) and we're okay in spite of those times. It doesn't cause lasting damage.

Sugar and Ice said...

You really are blessed, and I'm so happy to hear you say that...you're amazing.

LOVE the vagina sculpture, lol. Did you ever see that episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray's mom sculpted something that looked like a vagina and gave it to him as a gift??

Diana said...

He is too cute for words~!!!