Monday, 29 September 2008

Putting Out an APB

"... you gotta cry without weeping,
Talk without speaking ..
Scream without raising your voice.
You know I took the poison,
From the poison stream and I floated
.. outta here.""

- Running to Stand Still, U2

So fucking melancholy and weepy lately. I keep turning around, because it feels like someone is behind me. I'm either being haunted - by one of my dads, or my nan ... or it's the long-lost monkey on my back come to say hello. Incessant dreams. I've stepped up my meetings, and will most likely even reach out *gasp!* to an older woman in recovery I know, see if she can help me do some step work. I need to shift some of this bullshit - take some rocks out of my backpack. My whole neck and upper back has seized, most likely from carrying the whole weight of the world on my shoulders. A good friend of mine busted this week, which has really shaken me up. Both her and her husband had almost nine years clean time up - I can't believe it. They have four children, and I just know that it's going to end badly. So sad - but makes me realise I am not immune. And fuck knows, the past 4+ months have reminded me of why I used to use drugs .... takes away all the pain. (Also takes away everything else, too ... unfortunately).

My shining light this week has been finding a new version of "Running to Stand Still" on iTunes. It is my favourite U2 song of all time - big call, I know. Bono wrote it about a girl he knew in Dublin who was a heroin addict. I want it played at my funeral. Specifically, in the middle of my funeral, after the eulogy. Very, very loud. In its entirety. Does anyone else plan the songs of their funeral, or am I the only freak?

Today I did a load of washing, but had no desire to hang it out, so it's still in the washing machine. Lethargic, useless, stranded, and a bit fucked up.

Blah blah fucking fucking cancer cancer cancer cancer cancer chemo chemo chemo chemo.

Some photos might save this post ......

It's Mr TCs new favourite thing, to carry Monkey around the lake in his sling. See that hat he's got on? It's MINE. But, he loses his hair, and asked if he could "borrow" it. I mean really, all with the excuses to wear my headwear. We got another one - so now we both wear matching hats. Which is very Keith and Nicole of us, I know. But hey - she copied off me, by having a baby with red hair.

Oh, and as for Monkey? Yeah, nothing much to report, except he's ON SOLIDS. Yes. yes he is. He is SUCH big baby, I'm getting him weighed tomorrow. I have been putting it off. Why?
Because the FUCKING midwife always asks "HOW'S MR TC????" In front of a room full of people. So, I have no idea what my baby weighs. None. Anyone got a good comeback for the midwife? I'm so tired of dumb people. Someone asked me about Mr TC yesterday .... I very nearly told them he was dead. Just to fuck with their puny, miniscule brains. (I wonder if my bitterness will go away, after the Fiasco fades??) Ahem - anyway, look, a cute baby eating ...

He has eaten pumpkin, rice cereal, lentils, and vegetables. The very first thing he tried was mashed banana - very fitting, considering his blog nick-name. He LOVES his food. It's such a relief, I was so pissed off that he was only getting his food from a can. (Formula). Tiger keeps wanting to eat it too ..

My most beautiful, amazing peeps. My bloggies. You myriad of wonderful, amazing women, from all over the world. I need you! I have a favour to ask you - all of you.
Mr TC has really, really had enough. Not seeing his daughter recently has been the final straw - he is so depressed, and downhearted. Every morning he wakes up defeated, talks of leaving, moving, selling, fucking off to anywhere but here. The chemo has almost crushed him. It won't, but in his words he's really "Doin' it tough, hon."

I'm doing everything I can. It doesn't feel like enough.

I was wondering if you could leave him a comment? A message of love and hope, directly to him? I will print them off and give them to him to read ... I know he will appreciate it. He'll probably get all big-headed and annoying, but I'm willing to cop that. He needs a bit of a lift, and my back is so sore from holding us both up lately.
(Oh, one more thing ... this week, I shall devote a whole post to Sarah Palin. Oh yes. yes I will.)


Anonymous said...

Sending you and your family all the very best wishes. I have been reading about you for a while, and can't believe what you have been going through.

Godspeed. I'm sure you will be back to building houses again in no time!

- Sara, Mn

Gemini Girl said...

Hi D....

I know that you have no idea who I am- but I def know all about you. You are a strong man who has overcome so much in his young life. You are a fighter and you have a beautiful family who loves and adores you.
Life always has it's ups and downs. The down times are what shape you as a person. Keep fighting the fight and know that you have a huge support group- all over the world.

Anonymous said...

Mr. TC,
You have amazing courage and strength. Keep your chin up, it is only going to get better from here.
I am a long time reader of your wife's blog and I think you both are incredible individuals.
Take care,
Cindy from Indiana, USA

Wordgirl said...

Dear Mr TC,

I wanted to be the very first to comment as I read this post first thing in the morning here in the US -- but then my computer got shanghai'ed by an eight year old out of school for the day -- I tell Topcat all of the time that her husband and mine would get along famously (and our boys too) -- the humor, the irreverence, the strength and pride in worksmanship -- I marvel at the Topcat family and wish I lived in your part of the world. Mr TC my father had a saying that I think is appropriate here: don't let the bastards get you down - and know that there is a family over here in the wild northern woods of the US (brrr) where not a day goes by that I don't think on you -- and even G, my husband, will ask -- 'so what's up with the TC family?" I promise TC all the time that someday, someday we will make it to Australia and when we do we will have some crazy fun -- though TC and I will let the boys run wild while we drink soy lattes and you and G can go inspect all the building and G will ask you about building and wiring and will want to show off his skills sweating joints but, I digress.


Pam from Minnesota, USA

bleu said...

Sir Knight TC

You are a fierce warrior battling a vicious dragon that has ravaged the land. The battle is long and you feel weary but you are a fierce warrior and doing an amazing job. Keep up the awesome battle, save the amazing castle and kingdom and carry off the princess!!!!

bleu said...

OK I am a dork. Anyhoo, TC I am sorry about your using dreams and the friends slip. I imagine it is so hard. As for the midwife, tell her, let her know you prefer not to be asked.

As for the slip dreams and island fantasies, they are all false. Nothing would feel good, because even though you really THINK you want to not feel, you have grown, you have lived, you have learned to feel and you can't go back. It would only ever be some shitty facade that ultimately made you feel so much worse because you would never be able to maintain 24/7 turn off and the in-betweens would be a way greater hell than the one you are currently in.

That is just my take on it.

I wish you so much love and peace and softness.

Fertilized said...

I am sending my good thoughts for your family Mr. TC. There are many of us out here supporting you and willing your health to get better from afar.

Farah in FL

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. T.C.,

Although you do not know me, you have been in my thoughts and prayers every night. I stumbled upon this blog right before the baby was born. It is just a small thing that I could do to pray for you and your family.


Lysa in CT

passingwindows said...

Dear Mr. TC

Writing to you because of your fabulous wife and I wanted to tell you I love the hat. If you ever need to get away (and feel like spending 2 weeks in an aeroplane!) come to France and take over our spare room, I'd love to meet you all (and I am sure I can convince my husband I went to school with Topcat). Wishing you strength during this time. I wish I knew what to say that would help but all I can say is I'm thinking of you and Topcat and hoping the tough time passes fast and the good times pass slowly.

battynurse said...

Mr. TC. I know you don't know me but I just wanted to say that your in my thoughts and to hang in there. You've got many people sending prayers and thoughts your way.
And to top cat, so sorry about the friend who slipped. That has to be so hard to watch. The dreams probably don't help either. My thoughts are with you too that the meetings help the dreams go away and help you feel better too.

lucky13 said...

mr. tc, don't know a thing about you and your wife and your life, other than what i quickly read this morning. you have cancer. i won't say i'm sorry, it won't mean much to you right now. just know that somewhere, in some random corner of the world, another human being briefly stopped thinking about her problems and thought about yours. and wished you well.
peace & strength.

Lori said...

Dear Mr TC,

Besides your obvious good taste in women and your genetic contribution to a really cute kid, one other thing I know about you that you are going through a rough time.

I am sending you, from Denver, Colorado, energies of light and health and endurance. May you tap into the strength of the Universe itself to carry you through. And may the Love of those around you hold you up when you are just too bleh to do so yourself.

XO to Topcat, too!

annacyclopedia said...

Dear Mr. TC: Through the miracle of the blogs, I have fallen in ridiculously passionate friend-love with your wife. And your kids, cause they're hers. And you, cause you're hers, too. So you should probably know that on the frosty Canadian prairies there is a weird girl who keeps your whole family in her thoughts and prayers, and wishes you all wholeness, healing, peace, and joy. And who would send you a huge pile of beets if it didn't contravene international agricultural regulations, cause I hear you are fond of beets.

Keep doing the hard work that you are doing to be well and free from the bastard cancer. We are all looking forward to hearing the news that you've defeated it once and for all, and we'll all be here holding up you and your family until we hear those words.

annacyclopedia said...

And the same goes for you, TC. Super extra puffy heart to the power of infinity.

I agree with the previous commenter who suggested telling the midwife you prefer not to be asked. And just stick to that line like glue - no matter how hard she pushes.

MrsSpock said...

Keep on keeping on, girlfriend! No backsliding!

Just tell the midwife she is person number 100 to ask that very day and you would love to spend at least a few minutes of your day just being Monkey's mom and not thinking about the Big C.

Mr TC- How about a dirty joke? Nothing reeks of love and hope more than a joke that starts with "A man walks into a bar..." We interrupt this serious life event for a 2 second laugh break.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Schlitz. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Schlitz, don't you like it? The man says, "I hate that shit. Last night I drank a whole case of Schlitz and blew chunks." The bartender says, "You drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks". "You don't understand said the man, Chunks is my dog."

vamplita said...

Mr. TC,

Howdy, from Houston, Texas!

I've been sending y'all all of the positive vibes I can muster, keeping my fingers crossed for your return to health and prosperity. Just think - there's not a day that goes by when someone across the globe isn't thinking about the TC family, and its patriarch! Please know that you may not ever see your lovely wife's bloggy friends, but we really and truly care about you, and we wish you and your precious family nothing but the best.

PS - Please give TC, Tiger, and Monkey kisses from Auntie Vamplita. :)

kateypie35 said...

Mr. TC - hello from lovely Delaware! So many people are rooting for you to kick cancer's nasty ass!!!! I cannot pretend to imagine how you feel...but I keep you in my thoughts all the time. Fight fight fight, battle your hardest. You are strong, and brave, and quite a looker too (er, ooo, sorry TC, I ogled your husband!!!)...if anyone can beat back the cancer bitch its YOU. Better days are ahead...

Kristen said...

Hi Mr. TC - It seems that when I think of what to say, I draw a blank. Everything just seems too menial. I am keeping you and your family in my daily prayers that you will overcome this battle. Wishing you all the strength, love and support you need. Please know you are not alone. You have a whole army behind you, rooting for you.

- Kristen from Maryland

Anonymous said...

Hi Mr. TC from Toronto, Canada. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. It fucking sucks. But please stay strong. For your beautiful wife, for that little man who is a Tiger, for the little baby who looks just like you and for yourself. Please also know that there are people on the other side of the world who care and are praying for you and wishing you well tonight and every night until you kick this motherfucker's ass.


Queenie. . . said...

Topcat, please give me some of your rocks. I've got plenty of room in my backpack, and I'm happy to carry them for a while. You take care of yourself, girl.

And Mr. TC, you take care of yourself, too. I know this period in your life completely sucks, and I'm sorry for that, but you keep putting one foot in front of another. The only way through it is through it. With the totally hot Topcat by your side, you're sure to make it out of this okay, as hard as that may be to imagine right now. Hang in there.

Deathstar said...

Dear Mr. TC

You Are the Hope of the World!

Buddhism teaches that the lotus flower grows in muddy water. What this means is that our supremely noble lives continue to shine even amid the harshest of life's realities, just like the pure
white lotus flower that blooms unsoiled by the mud.

Having gone through what you have, there is pain and suffering in others' hearts that only you can notice. Having suffered what you have, there is true love and affection that only you can find. There are definitely people out there who need you. If you give up on yourself, it is only you who will lose.

Nothing, no matter what happens, can change your inherent worth. Please have courage. Please tell yourself that you are not going to let this ordeal defeat you.

nancy said...

Mr TC ...

Where should I even start? You must feel like your life if a big pile of shit right now. And rightfully so! Um, hello? Anyone who has ~cancer~ gets to declare their life shitty.

And you have a newborn! On the healthiest of days, that is hard. You have to deal with the newborn Whom you both love dearly. AND you have to deal with your wife. And you ex-wife who didn't push an 11 year old to call you to spend time with. I mean, she's 11 and doesn't remember what is most important and you can't really fault an 11 yr old from not thinking something through, but with just a little suggestion, she would have called. (and she's probably scared of it all too.) I am sure there are times you just want to go bat shit crazy with any of these things.

Of course I'm going to know more about your wife, since it's her thoughts I read. (hrm, I sound psychic. cool.) She's dealing with her own big bag of shit too. A newborn. A husband with cancer. Trying to protect you against everyone's worry and questions so everyone simply looks at you with the warmest of looks instead of all the worry questions my girl topcat gets. I'm sure in a "perfect world" (well, whatever kind of fucking perfect world would give a man cancer) everything around you would be fluffy and soft and warm and a place you have absolutely no guilt, no worry, no negativity. Instead you get real life and yes, it fucking sucks.

But ... it's this life in which you are fighting for. When you take out all the bad, you see all the good. And all that good is so fucking worth it. So you fight. And get shit upon with all the negativities of life. So what I hope for you is the puppy dogs and rainbows can be seen from the giant piles of shit. :)

Jodi said...

Mr. TC,
Hello from California! You have every fight to feel shitty right now! You are going through a shitty time. But you are so very strong, and you are an amazing man, father, husband. Keep fighting and you will get through this together.

Stacie said...

Dearest D,

You don't know me, but I know of you through the eyes of your wonderful wife. The picture she paints of you with her words is one of a handsome, hard working, loving man, someone who is strong and full of life. You are dearly loved; it is evident whenever she writes your name.

I know that these past months have been some of the hardest you have ever faced in your life. I know that sometimes it feels like there is just too much to fight against. I also know what it is like to feel like you keep getting kicked when you are at the bottom of a deep pit of despair, never really being able to get a foot hold to help climb your way out.

But please keep fighting. Keep looking for the tomorrows to be better than the todays. I believe they will be. Savor the happy times and the moments of joy. Because I do believe (with all of my heart) that this, while so overwhelming and frightening, will pass. I don't know when, but it will. You will beat this. You will.

You have much to fight for in your life.

I leave you with a few of the quotes that have helped me through some very dark days over the past year. (Your wife would be able to fill you in with some of the highlights if you are interested.)

1. "I have had to fight like hell and fighting like hell has made me what I am." John Arbuthnot Fisher

2. "Once all struggle is grasped, miracles are possible." Mao Tse-Tung

3. "The strongest have their moments of fatigue" Friedrich Nietzsche

4. "Whatever the struggle, continue the climb. It may be only one step to the summit." Diane Westlake

5. "My tears don't compromise my strength. They never have." a kleenex commercial (hey, I'm not picky about where the words come from!)

Take care of yourself, and know that love comes your way through the internet.


(Sorry about being a comment hog.)

rex said...

Mate - you have struggled so much already in your life to get to where you are. The only way you got to where you are today is by believing in yourself and knowing that you are worth the effort. The only nice thing I can see in all of this hellhole pit you have somehow landed in, is that I now have a clearer picture of who you are and what makes you tick. I love you mate, and am SO SO SO fucking proud of how you have handled this whole thing. You are a true inspiration and a fucking awesome bloke. My sis is one lucky gal to have landed such a top bloke. I can still see the shining light in your eyes mate, it might have dulled a bit but it's still there. I knew from day 1 of this fucked up journey you've been dealt that you would make it, I never had even the slightest bit of doubt you wouldn't. Hang in there mate, 6 more weeks and its all over and we can all have one HELLUVA celebration of your life; your wife; and your beautiful boys! Love you like a bro mate xxx

Geohde said...

Mr TC- You rock, and so does your Missus.

Oh and TC my dear- tell the bleeping midwife that Mr TC has *cancer* when she asks how he is. Feign confusion at the question. I doubt she'll push for details after that.



Anonymous said...

hi mr tc, just wanted to say you have the most handsome wonderful sons and a beautiful wife! Many people are thinking of you and are wishing good health for you. M.

Tee said...

Hey mate how's it hangin? Look at all these wonderful friends you never knew you had! They are all rooting for ya (hehe). Whilst it feels like the chemo is sucking the fucking life out of you at the moment, just look to the future. Ride out the next 6 weeks the easiest way you can, then you'll have your life back. After that, take what you need from this cancerous experience, and live your life the way you love to. You'll be back in control again soon my friend, until then, continue to be the brave, patient, humourous man I have the honour of calling my brother in law.
Love you
Tee x

Evil Stepmonster said...

Dearest Mr TC, I don't know if you'll get to read this (I'm late for everything) but I couldn't miss this opportunity to say that my husband and I are thinking of you.

Being a separated Dad is such a difficult thing, my husband often feels that his heart is being ripped out when there is some drama going on and he's not there to sort it out. And the insensitive things the kids say or do seem magnified by the distance. Trying to deal with all that and feeling like crap after chemo must be absolute hell.

Please know that you are in our thoughts and we know that you will push through this pile of shit in front of you and come up smelling like roses on the other side. We are all behind you, cheering you on. Take Care.

Lou and Russ

tobacco brunette said...

Dear Mr. TC -
I can't tell you how often I think of you and your wife and your beautiful children.

Even though we don't know each other personally, thru your amazing wife's blog I've come to "know" you as a hard-working, passionate, loving, occasionally stubborn, extremely talented (amazing house, "mate," as you say there), generous, survivor of a man. I may have also left a comment or two in the past about your hotness factor, which is HIGH. Ahem.

Anyway, as a cancer survivor myself, I know the utter shittiness that is chemo. In some ways, I was fortunate to have cancer as a child, so I was spared the emotional and intellectual tolls that the disease takes on adults who can comprehend what they're dealing with, but god I remember the sickness and the pain and the bald head, which can be a real social liability for a little girl.

It is my hope that this fight will be behind you all soon. Please know that there are countless people all around the world who've come to love you thru their love and respect for your wife and countless postive vibes, crossed fingers and toes, prayers, and healing energy are coming at you from every direction.


Kristin (aka Tobacco Brunette)

G said...

I'm totally late to this, but still want to put my good wishes out there.

Mr. TC - you are hawt. Seriously, Big C or not, you are one good looking fella. I only read this blog to get glimpses of the eye candy.

Wait, what? Was that inspirational enough? Much love to the whole TC family.

TC - don't hurt me! I only speak the truth, whilst whiping my spittle.


Diana said...

Mr TC, I am sorry I am late but I am just now reading this post. I want to give you a big hug right now. You are so loved, stay strong and keep fighting!

m said...


Sorry I'm late to this party. I've read everyone else's comments so now have comment anxiety because whatever I say will sound like crap.
There are many, many people that love you all. Including those of us you've never met (but not in a creepy stalker way of course.) You, TC, and your boys are incredible, brave, and inspirational - fucking cancer fucking sucks big old donkey balls and as such if you weren't all cool and brave that'd be ok. But you are cool and brave, and if I can have just a tiny bit of your coolness and braveness I'll be a happy woman.

You need to go south for a holiday? There's good food and wine down here - and the company is ok too....


dee said...

I'm late too but, hey, I haven't been on time for crap since me and the Mr. had kids....

I've been following along on this crazy ride we call life with your lovely wife, and think about you and her, and Monkey and Tiger too, often. How lucky you each are to have one another :-)

And despite the craziness of life, I tend to think that it deals us only as much as we can handle. Given all that you've been through in recent months, you may think that you can't "handle" being strong for one more minute, one more hour, one more day, but you can, and you do. You are stronger than you think.

At the same time, it's alright to not want to be the "strong" one all the time. It's okay to need a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, just to be next to. I know that Topcat is all that, and then some, to you. You are very fortunate to have one another for each of you is a gift.

Keep fighting the fight, and giving life hell. There will be good and bad days in every journey. To paraphrase a cliche I'm sure we've all heard--it's not about the destination, it's about the ride.

Enjoy the ride Mr. TC. We're all here to help pave the way if/when you and Topcat need us.

And hey, if you're ever in south Florida, know that you've got a place to stay deep in the sunshine, 20 minutes from the beach. It would be an honor to open our home to you...especially since Topcat has opened her heart to us lo these past few years.

Be well....

Vacant Uterus said...

I am so, so late to the party and I am sorry! So many people have said exactly what I've been thinking so I'll try to keep it short. Topcat is one of my favorite people and I love her madly which means you are very important to me as well even though we have never met. I pray often for you, that your tumors would disappear completely, that you'd have the strength to make it through each day, especially chemo days. I pray that you'd know how valuable you are as a father and a husband and as just your own self. If I didn't live half the world away, I'd be at your house with something more practical than prayers, like maybe a tray of industrial strength brownies but alas, I've yet to figure out how to ship those. Hang in there. It's a tough road you are walking but you are doing an amazing job.


Vacant Uterus said...

PS~ Not to change the subject but Topcat, your boobs look amazing in that last pic of you and Monkey! Bowchickawowow!!

Erin said...

I'm also really, really late to the party since this just popped up on my Bloglines today! Mr. TC, you have such a wonderful family and I am in awe of how much you all do for one another. You are such a beautiful family. Chemo is an awful, awful experience for anyone going through it. To be in the middle of so much hell while still managing to be a great father is incredible. Thank you to both you and TC for allowing us to watch your family grow and change. I have had you in my prayers for months and will keep you all there.