Sunday, 7 September 2008

So a Fiasco, Tumour and Canoli all Walk Into a Bar ...

So we had sex. For the first time in FIVE MONTHS. Ever since a whole bunch of tumours got found in his stomach, he has felt decidedly unsexy, so it was nice to see him back in form. TMI, much?

Today, we drove down to Sydney. Me, Tiger and Monkey took Mr TC out to lunch, to our favourite Italian bistro in Norton Street, Leichhardt. Beautiful spring day. It was fucking AWESOME to be out and about as a family, to see Mr TC "back". I told him ..."Hey, I know what's different. Your mojo is back! Your mofo mojo is back!" I broke out a rousing rendition of Welcome Back Kotter. He laughed. I think his body must be getting used to the chemo. It was a wonderful day, my heart still feels warm from it. The week away has done us all miracles.

Tonight, I was reading the paper, and saw an article about how lymphoma is Australias fastest growing cancer .. for no known reason. There has been a breakthrough in treatment. I read it out to Mr TC, without reading it myself first. "Tumours have a very big chance of coming back. Half of the people diagnosed with lymphoma in Australia are still alive after five years ..."

My voice trailed off, I looked up at him, to see all the unspoken things in his eyes.

There is a very good chance, that after his last three doses of chemo, Mr TC will have a scan and there will be no signs of any tumours. What we don't know, and what I can't predict, is if they will come back - in some other shape or form, or start growing in his vital organs. Fuck knows if that's going to happen. We will cross all of those bridges if and when we come to them. I haven't thought that far ahead. Damned if we will sit back and wait for the big bad cancer to grow back again. He might go into remission for twenty years. For one year. Forever. "We know not the hour of our death."

Like all big things in life do, this Cancer Fiasco will change us immeasurably. Things are already shifting - our priorities, our goals. We may rent out our house for a year and go and live in Spain. Just because we can. We want to travel ... live right in the moment. We were living like that a lot anyway. I kept thinking, when the Fiasco started "But ... I already live an examined life! We don't need another big thing to get through!"

Who knows why shit happens. I've always prayed a lot - but now, my prayer kind of falters halfway through. My faith took a huge tumble, and I'm not as sure as I used to be. Tiger keeps asking incessant questions about God. It's uncanny.

"Mum, why doesn't God come down to earth like He used to?" (I said He works in other ways ... like sending you a good friend, or a flower, or a song.)

"Mum, I wish they didn't eat those apples. Then we could be living in that beautiful garden."

"Mum, if God made the whole world .... did He make His own Self? (I didn't ask myself that til I was TWENTY, fucks sake.)

This post is everywhere all at once. I have so much to say - I haven't felt this strong for a long, long time. I'm back, baby. I have big things brewing.

I have had big revelations about Monkey, which deserves its own post. I always couldn't understand how some women didn't fall utterly in love with their babies straight away. Now I know. I know. (And I will never judge anyone about that again.)

Monkey is going so well. People ask me if he a "good baby". Once I answered "Oh, no. He is a bad, bad baby! Drinking, smoking ... I just don't know what we're going to do!" The woman thought I was a total freak.

My love is getting deeper. I'm starting to feel so very grateful - that he is healthy. That I got to bring him home from hospital. Some mamas don't get to bring their babies home from hospital. I can only imagine that depth of pain. Even with all the Fiasco crap, I do count my blessings. As crap and awful as it has been ... Mr TC is in with a fighting chance. Bring it on.

Mr TC and Tiger today. We ate fresh pasta, vanilla canolis, and chocolate gelato YUM ....

When I was about 12, I started sucking my stomach in. So, I have very good stomach muscles. However, for a while now, I have said "Oh, I can't do sit-ups, I had a c-section." It's been like my mantra.

What the world thinks my stomach looks like three and a half months after having a baby (I didn't wear those Ugg boots to Sydney, by the way) ....

What my stomach really looks like three and a half months after having a baby ....

Note to self: As soon as I finish off all the canoli, try a sit-up. OR FIFTY.

(After Mr TC took that second photo, he puts the camera down, looks at me, and says "You really are the biggest wanker I have ever met." I laughed at him: "I KNOW!!!")



OHN said...

Topcat it is so good to have your wit back. The tummy photos made me laugh....I am the queen at sucking in my gut when anyone is around. Sadly my baby is 13 so I have no excuse for still having the tummy!!

MrsSpock said...

LOL- don't feel bad. I've been doing ab exercises since 6 weeks after my c-section and my stomach still looks like picture #2.

I saw a trashy tabloid at the supermarket that showed Nicole Kidman- totally flat stomach days after giving birth!- and I wanted to give it the finger.

bleu said...

So fecking funny!! I can no longer suck my belly in it is so sad.

Pixxiee said...

I love it. I love the hope and strength and plain happiness in this post. My tummy looks a little like that - sadly tho from all the surgeries than from babies. Oh well.

Spain sounds blissful and wonderful.

Oh and the sex? Not ENOUGH info dammit! hehe...

Wordgirl said...


You ARE funny -- and BRAVE -- I am always sucking it in -- I think I've been holding in my bum and stomach since I was nine thus always giving myself an inaccurate sense of self -- (but kick-ass stomach muscles)...

Spain sounds so lovely -- I imagine it is exactly these kinds of moments in life when we re-evaluate -- I hope if you go to Spain you'll still have your computer and internet connection!!! (Selfish me :) )

Oh the God question -- the faith questions -- for me as strange as it sounds -- I have to believe in some kind of pattern because how else would I have somehow found this red-haired woman across the globe whose life story resonates so and whose words offer such comfort? What is this if not a miracle.

Welcome back my friend -- I have no doubt there are big things brewing...and I'll be reading.



Tee said...

Why the fuck didn't you give me the tip about the sucking in of the stomach when you were 12??? Instead you now look at my gut at it's worst and laughingly call it the little doughy dough boy! You KNOW pic 2 is me looking my best hehe x

anna said...

It looks like Mr. TC has his mojo back in that photo!!! Awesome! And your belly pix made me laugh. I look like that 5 months after my babes. I keep telling myself that I'll stop sucking in my gut and do something about my belly after that next cannoli, but oh well! I agree with the previous comments- it's good to have you back in full spirit! That picture of you with little Monkey is priceless.

Topcat said...

Tee, I would have given you the tip about the sucking in of said stomach ... had you acknowledged my existence. (Evil laugh)

By the sounds of it your gut is smaller than mine now anyway!!

battynurse said...

Love the stomach pics. I've never been able to suck it in much. Glad you've had a good week.

Geohde said...

Mz TC-

1. Glad so so so glad you're 'back' and feeling strong,

2. Hope to heck on the no tumors thing...forever.

3. Monkey rocks.

4. You should see my gut- I have all this extra skin that I don't know what to do with- I fold it into the top of my jeans for chrissakes!

5. I forget.

6.I remember....yeah. sex. meh!



annacyclopedia said...

So great to hear joy in your voice again, Topcat. I always know you're strong, but I'm glad you're feeling it, too.

Gemini Girl said...

Dude- I wish that I was brave enough tp show th eworld (or my blog readers) what my stomach looks like now- after twins. You rock. I love your newfound strength. Everything will be OK. You should go with your heart and your gut- maybe getting away to spain will be good for mr tc?

I am only now falling in love with my girls... it has taken some time and I no longer feel guilty about it. I feel guilty that I bonded with one way before the other- but it is a guilt that I will carry with me forever.

Jodi said...

Your spirits seem up, and it is awesome to see!

And seriously, the belly shots made me snort! You are a very brave woman!

kateypie35 said...

Love the belly are the new poster babe for post partum chicks....!!
Glad to hear you got some action...even meh action is better than no action, right? And fab that the Mr. found his mojo...
looks like the beach vacation was just the ticket!

vamplita said...

Mr. TC looks muy macho in that pic - it's quite DeNiro-esque (in attitude, that is).

Sooooo glad y'all had some fun in the sun. Welcome back, spring!!

Gemini Girl said...

BTW- Thought you might like this:

Stacie said...

You totally crack me up! I am glad that your trip help to rejuvenate you a little. It sounds like the time was lovely.

I am happy, too, that you and Monkey have grown closer over the last weeks! I've said it before, but the bonding thing took a while for me, too. I think the summer months were good for me because that is when it finally happened. It was just me and them for ten weeks. I needed that. They needed that!

Lastly, my home is open to you and the family any time. We live about two hours from Disney, but it is definitely close enough for a day trip (or longer). Shoot, we also have a Magic Mountain, a Knotts Berry Farm, Univeral Studios, and Legoland all within driving distance, too! ANY TIME I TELL YOU--ANY TIME!!! :-)