Monday, 24 November 2008

The Big Reveal

"I got lizards and snakes
Runnin through my body.
Funny how they all
Have my face."

- Sweet Dreams, Tori Amos

The day before I turned seven, I slipped up some thin, rusted metal stairs outside our house and sliced my shin straight open. You could see the bone. Blood curdling screams …. I remember my mother running outside with lots of teatowels. She said later that she knew she needed them because of the awful sound I was making. Sitting in the doctors surgery, I got my leg sewn up with no painkillers. It was horrific … I ended up with seven stitches, one for each year I had lived. I still have the scar, I can’t stand to touch it. Every time I look down it’s there, smiling creepily at me.

One day next week, Tiger will wake up and be seven. He will open all of his birthday presents. Then, his dad will hop in his ute and drive down to the BIGGEST hospital, and get a PET scan to finally see, if all the tumours have gone. Like on a home renovating show, being blindfolded and waiting for “The Big Reveal.” We have to wait until around the 16th of December for the scan to be read.

I can’t believe that Universe would give Tiger bad news for his dad on his birthday.

Obviously, I have feelings around it. Everyone asks me when the scan is, and can’t believe we have to wait so long. I’m actually fine with the waiting. For here, in Waiting Land, lies the possibility that his scan will clear .. like a two week wait holds the possibility of being pregnant.

It feels like the worst is already over – we are now just mopping up the aftermath. My marriage has taken a huge beating, and I know we need to re-connect somehow. Can we? We drifted so far apart.

But, whatever happens … the shock and trauma of it all has worn off. We got used to chemo. Monkey is bigger now. Life marched on, like it always does.

I’m having huge dreams. Huge. I do a lot of spiritual work and healing in my dreams, I always have.


Last week I was with Tee, and we had parked in a big carpark where everyone fights for a space. Walking back to the car, we noticed that a car had parked illegally behind me. So we were stuck. It took me SO MANY FUCKING tries to get my car out. I told Tee I wanted to smash the fuck out of this idiots car, slam into it like a monster truck rally. She goes ... "Do you want to leave a note?"


We dealt with our anger appropriately, and left the note. Laughing so hard so I could a photo of it, to post here and show the internet.

We felt SO much better.

Lately I have felt my skin crawling, like I can’t stand living in it. I went to a meeting in Sydney last week … fucking awesome. One guy shared before me – about how he can’t stand himself lately. I SO understood. He was talking … “I mean, I’m just so sick of my own bullshit. My defects, my fucked-upness … I can’t stand myself. I really can’t. I hate myself. I just want to vomit all over myself.”

Everyone PISSED themselves laughing.

Yesterday, I looked at Mr TC and he looked sick again. Yellow, like how he looked before we found out he was sick. It rocked me to the core, the possibility that … well, you know.

Soon we shall all know.


battynurse said...

I love the note. I've been known to do the same thing on occasion. It makes me feel better usually too.
It's amazing to me that you have to wait that long to get results back on the scan. That just seems crazy. I hope it's clean and you can start working on the reconnecting. Thinking of you and happy birthday to Tiger.

nancy said...

I really think people should be able to get results immediately on tests such as that - like they do on House.

Hoping along with ya.

Vee said...

Bloody waiting game ! Enough to drive anyone bonkers. I am so so hoping it's all good news.

PaleMother said...

I didn't deal with half of what you did, but anger is still my default emotion. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was born that way? Is that possible? I want to change it; it's so hard on me (physically) and everyone around me. I remember once in a high school drama class I had to play a scene where I was smouldering at someone at the dinner table. And afterward my teacher commented about having never seen me look so enraged and scary. Like it shocked her ... I look very mild mannered and petite most of the time, I suppose. That was the first time it occurred to me that maybe everyone wasn't like this.

I feel sick of myself when I try to blog. Sometimes writing feels like closure or progress, but other times it just makes me think to myself ... "Oh *shut* the hell up already!" :)

PT for you all, all month long.


D was here.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for Mr TC.... and sending you love and strength to get by- whatever the results. Mwah

MrsSpock said...

I vomited all over myself two nights ago. It isn't all it's cracked up to be.

That note cracked me up!

I surely do hope Mr TC's bad lumps are all gone away...

OHN said...

Love the note. I am going to tuck that away in my head somewhere and make sure that I always carry a pad of paper and pen from now on :)

PET scan...sent a chill up my spine. I hope for you a very dull, boring scan with no light ups at all.

It is as hard on the partner as it is the sick person...sometimes people forget that.

When we both come out of this with healthy guys we need to ditch them for a weekend and meet somewhere :)

Vacant Uterus said...

That note is awesome! I once left a similar note to a person parked so jerkily that I could barely get into a space. She wrote a return reply and stuck it to my windshield. I was so mad that she had left and taken the final word. I wanted her to know she was WRONG. (And that I was not fat.)(at the time.)

I'm praying for Mr. TC. It's all I know to do. If you told me my spaghetti sauce would cure him, I'd be on a plane. If I could send him magical healing rays, I'd do that too. But I'm not magic and my spaghetti sauce only tastes good, so I pray and pray and pray that it's good news for all of you.

I'm glad you have NA and AA. And I'm glad you share how you feel here so that when people like me who've walked mostly on the edges of the dark, never fully in, encounter really hurting people who are still stuck in that blackness we know more of what to say, or not say. Your blog helps me feel like less of an idiot.


tobacco brunette said...

I'll be thinking of you guys every day until the scan. I agree - the universe simply can't give Tiger that sort of news on his birthday.

I know what you mean about the waiting. Everyone keeps saying that I must be looking forward to getting Owen's surgery over with, but I'm dreading it. Today, there are no complications during the surgery causing a less than 100% recovery - or worse.

Yes, I'm happy to sit here and share the waiting with you.


Amanda said...

I hope the NA meeting gave you some release.

I LOVE the note! My sister used to carry this one with her:

I'm praying for a clear scan. Praying very hard.