Friday, 28 November 2008

The Terrorist

Every single night for the past seven nights, Monkey has awoken and screamed, screamed and screamed. Fed, changed, patted .... finally, if I walk around and stroke and whisper to him, he has drifted back to sleep. Until he screams again.

Poor old Michael Finnegan Begin-again. That was my brothers favourite song when he was little.

Ummmm - I'm tired? I have ended up giving up and hopping into the single bed with him in his room, holding him close. His piece de resistance was last night, screaming blue, bloody murder for three motherfucking hours straight. Nothing would help. Nothing seemed wrong. His crying was trying. I ended up shooting myself in the head, and am typing this from hell. (Tee and Rex ... Dad says hi!)

Not really .... but close.

He cried every time I tried to make him have a nap today, and putting him to bed tonight was a freaking nightmare. I was trying to get writing work done for my new job, had a deadline ... and just fucked it up. She sent it back to me three times to be re-written. She wasn't happy. "I'm usually really good!" I wanted to say. "I promise!"

I wailed to Mr TC, gnashing my teeth. Cried to stepson. Sniffled with Tiger.

Hello controlled crying ... how YOU doin'?

I've always thought that I could never, ever do controlled crying. With Tiger, a mere whisper of a murmer and I would run in to his room. Monkey? Poor sweetie has had crying issues since day one. Obviously my head is trying to make it somehow my fault, but I am beginning to see that sometimes babies just CRY. It is what they DO. And, I get the feeling if I do not nip this in the bud now I am sharpening a MASSIVE rod for my back. My back is stooped enough as it is.

So fucked. I need to work on myself more ... lately I have grown more angry, bitter and venomous than I have ever been in my whole life. It doesn't feel very nice, my dreams are getting dark, and my Higher Self is sitting out on a rock ledge somewhere, twiddling her thumbs, bored as all fuck.

I guess I'll read some baby books tomorrow, because I have utterly no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Seriously.

GOOD NIGHT

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hope you have a really deep, solid, satisfying sleep. No sleep and constant crying can be so so so so difficult to endure!!

MrsSpock said...

We have been going through the EXACT same thing. 5 nights out of 7. Last night I was up until 3AM rocking J to sleep, putting him in his crib, and ten minutes later he is babbling,"dadadadada" and crying. At 3AM I made Mr S give him a bottle yet again, and he finally stayed asleep until- well- now. For the LOVE OF GOD- GO TO SLEEP BOYS.

I have no answer. We are fucked and exhausted ourselves.

The 14th Mile said...

Getting up and down all night is like not sleeping at all or worse! Yay for Mr. TC coming to the rescue.

bleu said...

Bliss had many many nights of 3-6 hour crying jags.

It was either gas, or silent reflux, or right before a new developmental milestone (walking, talking, huge growth spurt etc.) There is also night terrors that can cause major tears.

Good luck mama.

tobacco brunette said...

Oh sweetie, I hear you and I'm so sorry. I hope Monkey's crying calms down soon, he learns English even sooner, or you find the magic book that fixes it (let me know what you end up reading).

You cracked me up, tho, with your shoutout from Hell.

And speaking of blowjobs - I thought of you during one today because you suggested it as a way to hold my randy husband over until I got the go-ahead to get it on from the OB. How disturbing is that???

Hope you get some much deserved rest.

XOXO

Wordgirl said...

HAH!

Well excuse me G if I all of a sudden have random thoughts of TB & Topcat during a certain *ahem* intimate moment -- you girls make me laugh.

Oh Topcat. I'm so so sorry things feel so shitty right now -- there's a reason why they keep people up when they're torturing them -- it's truly crazy-making -- so my hope for you is that you get a solid, dreamless sleep -- or deep enough to dream and dream and that you wake rested and that tomorrow is a better day.

You have every right to feel that anger and venom -- you have been going through an incredibly fucked up time -- and there's no justice to it. If I were there I'd just sit with you and we could make snipe-y comments at whoever you'd like in order to make you smile and feel better. Oh I know -- we could totally make fun of my brother!

Sleep my friend and know you are loved and that there are many of us half a world away keeping you in our hearts.

Love and love and love,

Pam

Evil Stepmonster said...

oh no, I'm suddenly having second thoughts....! (jk)

I hope you finally got some sleep last night poor girl. And be warned they will be some sort of sexual favour required of you. Men don't offer to take on these sorts of tasks for nothing you know! LOL

Amanda said...

Sleeping during the BJ...chuckle. I'd like to learn to do that (once the braces come off, of course).

My nephew went through a phase where he would scream himself to sleep all day and all night. Only occasionally could he be consoled by me holding him and swinging outside. I thought my Mom was going to have a nervous breakdown; she was convinced it was something she was doing wrong. We never figured out what was wrong, but he outgrew it eventually.

I hope you enjoy your sleep and that Monkey either gives a reason or outgrows the screaming fits. (((hugs)))

Geohde said...

Shit Mate!

You too!

I have this idea. Your Monkey and my Naan can be locked in a soundproof room all night together and yell their heads off at each other to their hearts content.

See how the little buggers like THEM apples :)

J

Vacant Uterus said...

"and I'm typing this from hell..." HAHAHAHAHA! That is awesome, I love you so much.

I hope you are sleeping like a log that is disguised as a rock. Sarge normally does nights and after Sam had a few nights like Monkey's just had Sarge decided to up and have a few seizures just to get some rest! Jerk. He could have just ASKED me for a break you know. Or cleaned the toilets. (I like that better than a BJ.)

I wish I had some sleep advice but I'm clueless. We pump Sam full of rice cereal when we want him to sleep, that's about the only thing I've found that works. I'm not sure it's recommended (food coma! approved by pediatricians everywhere!) but you do what you need to, you know?

xoxoxoxo
Flicka

kateypie35 said...

Well, you already know I am going through the exact same thing here.
Last night, after the 3rd round of screaming fits in 3 hours... I myself had a complete hysterical crying hissy fit foot stomping breakdown. I had keys in hand, coat on body...sobbing "I am leaving, leaaaaving LEAVINGGGGGggg going to a HOTEL FUCK YOU ALLLllllll".

My husband promptly took the baby to the Boom Boom room so I could catch 4 blessed hours of sleep IN A ROW. Its been TEN MONTHS since I had more than 3 hours of sleep IN A FLIPPIN' ROW, so yea...

it sucks donkey balls and I can't even believe people CHOOSE to have more than one of these demon seeds.
Then of course daylight comes and the kid giggles and I am all in love all over again.
Sigh.

Almamay said...

I hope you had a good night's sleep. I only have my cats knocking things over to keep me awake in the night so I can't really say I understand but I do send you love.

battynurse said...

So hoping you get some good sleep tonight.

Stacie said...

Ah yes. The staying up all night game. I know it far too well. I hope Monkey tires of it quickly. My guess is you'll see a new trick or two in the next few days...

Mwah. Hugs.