Saturday, 15 November 2008

Playing in the Dirt

So where do I start? I've had a crap, awful week. So sorry about the disappearing post. Had the worst night and day with Monkey the other day, involving him crying and crying .... then me falling over while holding him, then a shopping trip where he banged his head and his pram upturned ..... ending with ME crying and crying, having lost any semblence of Patience and Love and The Milk of Human Kindness. Mix that with the WORST week of arguing with Mr TC, and Presto! You got yourself one fucked up Redhaired Vengeful Topcat!

It's tiring, to be me ..... the lows are so low, but the highs are phenomenal!

I haven't even mentioned the new job I got. As a copywriter for a website company, writing website text for different businesses. I have training next week. They received 150 applications, and employed 6 copywriters from all over Australia. I was one of six chosen. Fucking outstanding ... ever since Mr TC got cancer, my writing has taken off. So strange ... it's like, something so BAD happens, so something good has to happen, to balance it out. It's so good to keep earning money from home.

I haven't told my new boss that I have a baby ... minor detail?! And, I kind of don't really know how I'm going to write more than usual and mind Monkey as well. There's only so long I can stick him in front of the TV for. (Joke. Kind of). So, controversially ... I'm thinking of putting his name down for a daycare. Only for two days a week. The company I work for is only brand new, and still getting their web system up and running, so we don't know how much work will be there yet. I'll get paid per website, and it took me one and a half hours to write one. So, we shall see.

____


Hey so guess what look at this:





It's a photo of a girl who is seeing her father for the very last time.

I was around eleven ... my sisters were thirteen. Our real dad came to visit us at our house ... I remember being SO excited, and nervous, as I didn't really know him that well. My mum and stepdad let him in ... it was so strange. I had pictured that he would come in to our house, all the adults would talk, it'd all be chilled. SO not. Mum and stepdad were playing pool, acting cavalier and odd. Me, my sisters, and our dad, sat down in the adjoining room, having a stilted conversation. Can't remember where my brother was .. having a sleep, probably.

I quickly realised he didn't want to talk to me, only to the girls. At one point, I ran off to get my coin collection to show him, and sat there, patiently waiting with it on my lap, as he was talking to Tee and Rex. I never showed him.

He asked mum if he could take some photos of us, across the road. We all stood in a row, while he snapped away. Then, he wanted to take some pics just of Tee and Rex. It took a LONG time. I wandered off a bit. At one point, I crouched down and started swirling my hands through the dirt. He said my name and I looked up. That's when he snapped the photo. The look on my face ... I didn't know I was getting my photo taken. There I squat, in my ridiculously dorky green velour tracksuit, with a smile pasted on my face because I just wanted him to like me.

I know I have tremendous abandonment issues, however, it really is rare that I feel the raw gaping hole, left by dad - both of them, anymore.

Yet, I have felt it so many times this year. So close to losing Mr TC. So close, that it constricts my heart, re-opens a lot of old painful wounds. I am strong and I am tough and full of bravado .... but fuck it HURTS like a BITCH, that most of the important men in my life have just not given a flying fuck .... couldn't get past their own problems. I see friends of mine, and the relationships they have with their fathers .... and something in me stirs, so exquisitely painful.

My real dad snapped that pic of me, playing in the dirt, waiting for him to see me .. he was dead from the booze a year later. Four years after that, stepdad kills himself.

It's enough to drive a girl to drink!

14 comments:

A Free Man said...

The career/drinking thing - yeah. I did manage a career of sorts, but mine only really took off once I stopped. While I was on the sauce, I didn't have the self-esteem to do the job properly, but now...

But now, my career successes worry me a bit. Because there's often cause for celebration. And the default celebration setting for people like us ends badly. So now, I go out and eat like a freak to celebrate. I feel a bit sick from one of those celebration dinners tonight, but when I wake up in the morning It'll be OK, no hangover, no lost time, no shame.

OHN said...

Oh TC..that photo could be of me. When I looked at it so many emotions came raging back.

Like you, I wanted to be loved by my father but he only loved me enough to use me as a pawn in his game of hate with my mother.

I see myself in your eyes. I was 8 the last time I saw him and I still think about all the time he missed getting to know me. His loss.

I was worried when I saw you deleted a post. I knew something was going on that was too much for you to handle at the moment and I am glad to see you landed back on your two feet on solid ground.

Congrats on the job....now I know why you gave me TOTAL thumbs up :)

MrsSpock said...

Congrats on the job! Doesn't it feel powerful to know you're bringing in money too? I don't think I could ever stay home again. I felt like a beggar. I got a great job yesterday too- whoo hoo!

Amanda said...

I'm so glad that you're continuing to blog. A curse from me too for anyone that shouldn't be reading.

Yay for the new job! I hope it works out well and that it gives you some independence that you seem to need.

Big hooray for the "relations". A good romp always makes me feel better (and closer with Mr. W).

I'm sorry that your Dad left you feeling that way. I like the way Mr. TC puts it, and it sounds very probable to me. (((hugs)))

Almamay said...

Just want to let you know I am keeping you in my thoughts. x

annacyclopedia said...

Oh, Topcat. Seeing that picture just makes me feel so tender towards you, and tender for the little girl in me that didn't know how to handle some of the hurts in my own life. It also just brings up so much anger at men I know who are hurting their own kids in the same way - letting their own shit, their own fears, their own insecurities, their own addictions get in the way of being a MAN and and ADULT and caring for the children who are desperate for their love and their presence. Mr. TC is probably so right - your dad was taking the easy path that day, too ashamed and confused by what he had done by not knowing you that he was only able to reach out to Tee and Rex.

I wish your dad could have been different, that he could have been the dad you needed, and that he could have stuck around. And I wish for all dads in a similar position to get their shit in order and just grow up enough to be present for their children.

And a big old "hell, YES!" for amazing relations. I should really engage in some of those myself one of these days. Wishing you more of the same!

geminigirl64 said...

what a strong photo.

I think you once mentioned you have a brother, but you never mention him. I feel a post coming on about him.......

Geohde said...

Ah, TC. I WISH I knew you IRL more than a few text messages.

You do know that if I ever happen to be in your neck of the woods, you're scoring a visit, right?

xx

J

Tee said...

I absofuckingloutely hated that day...

tobacco brunette said...

Congrats on the new gig - sounds promising. You're blog writing is so vivid and compelling, I'm sure you'll kick ass at the new job and bring in mad cash.

I hate the day from the picture, too, and I wasn't even there.

So glad you had a nice romp with the Mr. Of course, can't help but feel you're rubbing it in a bit - I've still got three weeks to go until I can get any. Ugh.

Hope you're having fun in Sydney!

XOXOXO

Me said...

Woot for great sex!

Carrie Ann said...

Congrats on the new job! It sounds great. Was really moved by your post. My parents divorced when I was 12 and I hardly ever saw my dad growing up. He actually came right out and said to my face that my older sister was his favorite! Dads can be schmuck heads.

nancy said...

Holy shit TC. How can I talk shit about your green velour tracksuit when you end with "... he was dead from the booze a year later. Four years after that, stepdad kills himself." You killed my witty-ness. Ah, but I love you anyway.

well woopdie on the job! 6 out of 150 applicants? You are fucking awesome. And why the need to tell you have a baby? Bah. That's illegal to even ask here.

yay for good sex!

JoC said...

Hello TC,
Greetings from a new reader in Vancouver BC Canada. A friend of mine sent me your blog info a while back but I started reading ~ 2weeks ago and decided to start with your oldest posts first.

Although my husband is healthy and we are weeks away from the due date of our second child, your blog really hits home. As an AA (+ OA) who is married to another AA -- I identify with so many of the feelings and relationship issues. Particularly the roller coaster ride, close siblings, dysfunctional parents and the intense anger that can be greatly lessened with venting because then the fear can rise to the top and be addressed. Thank you for writing in this space. I selfishly hope you continue despite your new work commitments because I am now addicted to your blog!