I got to Sydney and promptly fell apart.
But I don't want to blog about that, about how I feel a huge ball in my chest, and I, the recovering, in-tune person that I am ... cannot for the life of me work out what is wrong. But I am not ok. And in that ... the admitting that I'm not ok, makes me feel so relieved and better. I am NOT OK! I feel SHIT! Post-traumatic stress? Depression? Anxiety? All of the above? Who the fuck knows .... I just know that I am not ok. Paradoxically, that makes me ok.
I don't want to go home tomorrow, but I have to. Then again, I don't want to stay here, either. You know that feeling where you don't want to be anywhere?
Yesterday I walked down to glorious Bondi Beach, Monkey in his pram, soy latte at hand. I felt emotional. So much has happened. What a most intense year it has been. But, I am SO SICK of myself. Just get the fuck over it already.
My baby turns six moths old today!
I told his naughty, wonderful cousins that we are to have a Half Birthday Party for him tonight, after dinner. We shall sing "Happy Half Birthday, to you ....". I bought cupcakes. (He won't have one, we shall eat them in his honour.)
I feel like somebody has pushed their hands through the clouds and handed me a six month old baby. I have a baby. He has not been my priority. I solemnly swear, from now on, that he will be my priority. I whispered in to his ear, today .... "Mummy is going to watch you and listen to you and love you so, so much!!"
Cancer is a thief.
Cancer is a thief.
I give him three thousand kisses when I put him in the car, and seventeen thousand when I get him out again. I marvel at his big little feet (like blocks of cement, he has feet like his mama). People stop me in the street, to comment on what a beautiful looking little guy he is. His hair has gone from red to golden ... my Golden Boy. He rolls over, but is not interested in crawling yet. My Laz-e-Boy. Just like his mama! He can cry real tears, kicks like Ian Thorpe in the water, has been known to eat and crap at the same time. His personality is starting to come out ... he is really "here".
At mums most favourite cafe in the whole world ...
I love him.
I am so relieved, to love him so.
He looks at me adoringly, and breaks my heart. Tori Amos once sang that she has enough guilt to start her own religion. Hello.
The next six months will fly, so quickly. If I am thirsty .... then I shall drink him in, this most spectacular, amazing little human. I am blessed to have him. I feel blessed to love him, and not ever want to let him go.
Happy Half Birthday, my Wonderful Monkey Star. Thank you for teaching me The Way. You are heavenly, and magical, and sacred. I promise to celebrate that, my sweetheart guy. I am so sorry, about everything. I am flawed ... we all are. But I love you deeply. And that really is all that matters.
forever,
Mum
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
28 comments:
Times like this must be so hard to push yourself through. It shows how incredibly strong you are that you continually do so. Maybe this was the Universe's plan all along. To pass you Monkey through the clouds to keep you on track through this shitty year. He certainly is a stunner! That smile is priceless.
I wish I could help somehow...
What a fab place to have your AA meeting!
I totally understand your first paragraph, admitting it is a relief and reaching out for help is more of a relief.
Happy half b'day Monkey ! TC he is getting cuter by the day, enjoy every bit of him.
No way not to love such an adorable kid :-)
Your blog does show that you've been there with him all along... maybe not as much as you'd like to be, but you're there.
Is he starting to crawl? My baby is 8-1/2 months and he's all over the house already. I'm sure we'll be barricading the house soon.
Happy half birthday!
Monkey is just so friggin cute!
J
(Can I say friggin?)
:)
When reading this I was nodding. I had a very complicated pregnancy with S2 and S1 was still very little and it was HARD. Then my world stopped when S2 was 6 weeks old and my mom died. I lost two people that day, my mom and best friend, in that one death. I don't remember very much about S2's first year and the guilt I have about that is enormous.
He will ask me how old he was when he did this or that.....and I can't remember. I was consumed with sadness (and what I later realized was PPD but was too depressed to even know that). I am so grateful for the few photos I do have of him during that time.
I was there for all of his needs but I wasn't really THERE if you know what I mean.
In spite of me, he has grown to be a wonderful young man. These kids are amazingly resiliant.
Happy 1/2 birthday Monkey!!
Happy half birthday, Monkey!
You think they are cute when they are born. And then they fatten up and fill out a bit ... and one day you look at them or you see a photo of them ... and they take your breath away all over again. It's magic baby fat. I wish my fat was magical. ;)
Monkey is cuter every day!
Antigone had a post today that went well with yours, about keeping on going when you are going through hell. When you want to stop.
http://www.antigonelost.com/2008/11/lsat-vs-undisciplined-mind.html
Gorgeous beach pic. My back yard is covered with snow now. My turn to live in the frozen underworld for a while. ;)
XXOO
D was here
He is so adorable. Seriously, I love when he makes appearances on your blog :)
Much love to you, TC
xoxo
Hang in there, sweetie! You're doing GREAT! It may not feel like it, but you really are. Happy half birth day to Monkey AND happy half give-birthday day to YOU!
Enjoy your day and big big hugs to you!
-D
What a beautiful statement about drinking him in when the need arises, truly so inspirational.
He looks so much like both of you, I see you and Mr. TC a lot in him facially, so beautiful.
I so agree with what you say about saying you are not ok to be ok. I have found, the older I get,that experiencing my feelings, letting myself go through them and not try and get around them is the way they lessen and fade out and the way I stay sane. SO saying I am fucked up emotionally when I am is sooo key for me and I so hear you on that.
Lastly those cupcakes...WOW they are AMAZING looking.
I love him!
He is adorable, and lazy (much like Neve- she prefers to roll from place to place).
The first year really does go by quickly.... these next few months will fly by.
You are an amazing mother.
Now- can you please pack him up and bring him to new york with you next yr when your sisters come? Pretty please?
I totally get you, TC. When you talk about feeling ok with not feeling ok - I so get you. Last year I realized I was depressed and I went around telling everyone I was depressed as if it were the best news ever. Got lots of weird looks, but I felt so much freer than I did before I figured it the fuck out.
Happy half birthday, Monkey. You are a luscious boy and I know your first 6 months have been rough for your family, but you are loved beyond measure by all of them and by all of us mysterious internets out here, too.
Happy Half Birthday to your boy!
Isn't that amazing, you can walk into a room anywhere in the world and feel like you're with family. A proper, supportive family. I love morning meetings, used to get to one regularly in the UK, but haven't gotten in the habit of it here. Maybe I need to make that change.
Keep things simple for a while and they're likely to get a bit better.
Happy Half Birthday, Monkey!!! You are absolutely adorable-big feet and all! :-)
Happy half birthday Monkey.
The beach looks wonderful. I also LOVE the pic of you and monkey together. That one is fantastic.
Sending love your way...
Happy half-birthday to the most edible Monkey I "know!" Hope you all had an incredible celebration in his honor (or would that be 'honour?').
Hang in there sweetie. You're doing the absolute best you can for him and for yourself (and for Mr. TC and stepson, Tiger, etc.) and that is a hell of a lot. Be good to yourself--you've been through/are still going through a lot. You are a wonderful person, don't ever forget that. And know that lots of us are here for you, however we can help.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. This is an extremely brave blog and I am so glad I found you!! You are inspiring and the smile on your baby's face shows how your love exudes through his emotions. You are being an Angel without knowing it, pat yourself on the back for me as I honk the horn of my taxi all the way from New York City . Keep up the brilliant writing.
Happy Half Birthday, Little Monkey Man! Gosh, he just keeps getting cuter!!! You're right- it's impossible to NOT love a face like that. Thanks for the supportive and lovely comment on my blog. I've said it time and time again, but you're an awesome mom and beautiful person. You don't feel o.k. because there's a lot that's unknown in the future, and I'm sure there's a sense of dread there that there could be more badness around the corner. Well, my dear, I'm praying that the badness is done and that you and your beautiful family start enjoying life together again!
Hey - you aren't making "that face" in the picture of you and monkey! Not that I mind, hell, I like "that face" you make. But totally noticed when you weren't making it!
Do I always have to use exclamation points in my comments?! It's like I'm always so fucking excited! woohoo! yay!
(i'm really tired tonight.) oh yeah, um - !!!
First of all - happy half birthday Monkey! He is adorable. Not a suprise really given his gorgeous parents and brother.
Secondly, I am thinking that you promptly fell apart because it was finally safe to fall apart. You were with your sisters and away from home and the 6mos of chemo is done and you are still waiting on tender hooks for scans. During the height of the crisis, YOU kept things going for your family in the midst of horrible news and newborn fussy newness etc. YOU have been caring for your 3 boys (monkey,tiger+TC)and the housework/meals etc. As you move out of survival mode and back into enjoying life, I hope these moments are fewer and fewer.
Wow, he looks like his daddy. His face is so expressive too.
You know, he is healthy and thriving despite his parents going through hell on earth. And he will continue to do so. The clouds will start parting. They've done it for you before, haven't they? They will do it again. And Monkey will get his Mommy's undivided attention.
AW! Happy half birthday sweetie!!! Your cupcakes sure do look yummy!
Happy belated half birthday, sweet Monkey-Man! Wish I was there to help you eat some of your yummy-looking cupcakes. Don't worry, I will save you from the sugar. I am helpful that way. You are an adoarble boy and one day I hope you will meet my Samster the Hamster and get up to all sorts of mischief. Or perhaps you will calm him down. That would be nice.
Moneky, would you please let your mother know how much she is loved? And also how great of a human being she is? And how proud I am of her for choosing to stay sober under the immense pressure that's been grinding her down these many, many months? Give her many sloppy baby kisses (the droolier the better). No one makes her feel as good as you and your brother do.
xo
Internet Aunty Flicka
Happy Half Birthday Monkey!
Those cupcakes look like little works of art, I think I could eat them all!!!
I usually come here holding my breath. I never know what is going to be happening in TC's world...good, bad, ugly. Oohh Monkey! Mummy loves you. And it's easy to see why. He's lovely TC.
You're on my mind again today. I am sending love and hugs...
Sorry I'm a little late coming to the party, I was travelling. I want to wish Monkey happy half birthday.
Happy half birthday Monkey!!! He looks more like you everyday.
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