ER gets an ER in the ER ****Fert Update****

My sister Tee sent me a text this morning, saying that she made her son eggs for brekkie - in my honour. When she rang later this arvo, I said "Well - did you make TWENTY TWO EGGS???"

• The alarm went off at 5am, I turned to Mr TC and smiled. He goes "Oooooh, D-Day!"
• At one stage today, there was a waiting room full of lovely TTC girls, expectantly waiting to be expectant. The conversation was buzzing, we were all comparing, anxious, excited. I looked around and thought, wow - imagine all of the eggs in this room right now!!
• The actual procedure was in an operating room, filled with scientists, nurses, two doctors, and an aneisthatist (sp). I was so shocked! I thought it would be much less informal. I thought, "Shit, SO many people will be looking up my clacker today!"
• Ummm, the junkie in me was a bit "Ooooooh, goodie - SEDATION". Oops!
• I can't believe a male nurse changed my soiled pad - three times today. This IVF world is really full of firsts.
• Twenty-two eggies. Twenty fucking two - I cannot BELIEVE we have made it this far. I'm so grateful.
• I have been so, so sick all afternoon (vomiting, nauseous) - but am much better now. Well, I was until I read about Vons Delicious Maggot Soup. Von you simply MUST give me the recipe!!

And now - can I just say, I love my husband? I love him so much. I can't believe what he did for me today. When I say he's not that crash hot about the whole 'nother baby idea, well he's not - but of course, part of him is excited and anxious about it too. He is the best dad. To all of his kids - which is amazing, considering he never had a dad.
The poor, poor thing - he's very sore! The first thing he said when he came to see me after his PESA was "You tricked me!" (I underestimated how sore it would be). The best, most amazing part of today - MY HUSBAND HAS MILLIONS OF SPERM!!!!!!!!! SQUILLIONS!!!!!!!!! The doc let him look at it under the microscope, he said there was so much, they were all swimming around!
I said, "Shit! You're like a cockroach after a nuclear bomb! Nothing can stop you!" (Yes I know, I'm quite romantic too.) He showed me when we got home - MASSIVE purple bruise on his testicles! What a way to a girls heart!
I'm so overwhelmed - driving home, I teared up, and told Mr TC that what he did today - was the most amazing, most giving thing anyone had ever done for me in my life. And how much I love him.
So tonight, right now, right this second, in a hospital clinic west of Sydney, some of Mr TC's MANY sperm are all dressed up, on their best behaviour .... one may even have a rose clenched in his teeth .... smooth talking the hell out of my freshly harvested eggs. "How YOU doin'?"
Please send them Barry White thoughts!
Fertilisation report tomorrow ..... transfer on Saturday. WOW WOW WOW OMG!




***** Lab just rang with the news -
22 eggs retrieved
19 mature
12 fertilised
She said they're "looking great!"
Transfer booked in at 8am tomorrow morning. We will be getting the best one transferred, and the rest frozen. (Mr TC is TERRIFIED of twins). This is surreal. It's like making it into the stadium after the marathon, to run the final lap. You're exhausted, but the end is in sight! And what a prize! Holy CRAP!!! Go the over-use of exclamation marks!!!!!!!
I'll have to leave home around 6am. I'm madly finishing off articles and cleaning the house today, so I can sit on my big fat arse all weekend. I've already hired out the complete fifth series of Scrubs. I'm worried that I have to drive home after the transfer. I've heard that you're supposed to just rest as much as you can after it? I'm already practicing not flexing my tummy AT ALL, and my sisters are on strict instructions to not be funny. I told them I don't want to laugh the embryo out. Embryo!!! We made an embryo!! Actually - we made a few! Sorry for the gush ..... but ISN'T LIFE AMAZING!! To think, we all started up a teeny bunch of cells. Mindblowing.
I can't WAIT to catch up on everyone properly. oxoxoxoxoxo

Trigger Happy

I don't know what I'm more impressed by - the fact that I went to such great lengths to try and bear a child, or that I balanced all of my drugs on one hand to take this photo today. (Except the TWO BIG BOXES of Crinone Gel. Oooooh, can't wait for those fuckers! Not!)

So, above, in Order of Appearance, we have Synarel, Australian Bush Flower Remedy She-Oak, my two fertility crystals I take to every appointment, the infamous white Gonal F puffy pen, and balanced perfectly at the end is my trigger shot I'll be giving myself tonight ... in less than an hour, yikes!

Feeling much better today, and getting more excited as time goes on. I'm basically waddling now, and grossing myself out when I think of all the eggs growing inside me. Like spawn, or algae, or mutants. It just doesn't seem .... right. But - I stimulated them! And they grew! And one of them might turn into a baby! Oh wow! Isn't technology amazing? I remember being a kid back in the early eighties, when the 'Test Tube Babies' blanketed the news. And now, I'm doing everything in my power to conceive one. That's the thing though - in the end, it's not in my power.

I will find a quiet space tomorrow, and have a little chat with the soul I'm hoping is about to come down and live with us here. One-on-one. I will be as pleasant, convincing, and loving as I can. How can I yearn for someone I have never met? Oh, the ache!

I have been a full-time stepmum to my stepson for the past six years. He's 15 now, and went back to live with his mother in March this year. I love my fake son immensely (he calls me fakemum) ... but it's been hard work! And last week, he rang his dad to ask if he could come back and live with us at Christmas. At other stages over the years, hubbies 2 girls have stayed with us too. I'm a pretty good wife - cook, clean, plus work from home. I went to parenting groups to learn how to be a good stepmother - and mother to Tiger. My hubby makes most of the "big" decisions around things, which suits me just fine. I am haphazard, a daydreamer, vague.

But this - this big, massive decision to try for another child - that was all mine. Because this is my life too, and I'm no-ones sidekick. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. I'm so damn SURE about this. I've worked so hard in my life, to get where I am. I am a good and decent person, and deserve this as much as anyone. What's scary is that I have never let myself want something so badly as I want this. And I want this. But we aren't given everything we want in this life, are we?

I need to have a contingency plan, in case ... in case all of the three pregnancy tests I bought at Coles last week stay snow white. Because that could happen, and I need to be real about it. I usually have a feeling about things - but this is just too big. It's all encompassing. Of course, somewhere deep down I'm praying and hoping that it will happen straight up. Ahhhh, fuck it. Just get to egg retrieval first, the rest will unfold as it will.

I am a little concerned over Mr TCs PESA - I really, really hope his sperm are .... alive! Shit! Can you imagine! *shudder* The possibilities for fuckups are endless!

My, what a long post. But wait! There's more! I'll put the kttle on for you - while I just go and have a little TRIGGER SHOT! Shheeeeiiiittt!

*
*
*
5 minutes later ...

Well, as with most of the physical side of this IVF fiasco so far ... that went pretty well! It's the mental side that gets me! Just did the trigger shot - the needle was a bit bigger, but not much. I think I injected an air bubble - oh well, it will just add to my trumpet playing in the morning! Ha!

Lastly - thank you to everyone who has left such warm, uplifting comments for me. I appreciate it so, so much. You lifted my spirit this morning. You're all invited over for dinner. I'll make a lamb roast! Seriously - the ability of women to connect and inspire and nurture each other is centuries old. Computers just make it more accessible. I won't post now until after ER on Thursday. (ER are my initials! It's a sign!) Ohhh - how I have WILLED my husbands vas to unknot itself over the years, and let a few spermies swim my way! Now there's no escaping it!

Mr TC's chemo-survived sperm plus Topcats mutant algae eggs = True Love 4 Eva xoxoxooxo

The Show Must Go On ...

Walking into the ultrasound room for my booked abdominal ultrasound, the tech guy told me to empty my bladder. I pointed to the Wandmonkey "But, I'm not getting .... that. I'm getting a tummy one?" He read the notes, looked confused, animated talking to the nurses. I stood there having drunk a litre of water, waiting. My clinic is like a production line - get em in, get em out, whatever you do, don't read their fucking files.

*sigh*

Bottom line - good! I am the proud owner of a bouncing left ovary! (He's just very shy)
14 follicles! Trigger tomorrow! Retrieval Thursday morning! Transfer on Saturday!

I'm so sorry for the whine, but I feel SHIT. I think the novelty has worn off now. This has truly been a hard slog - and every. Single. Nurse. Asks me is this my first IVF. Which leads me to believe that most people do this a few times. I'm not doing this a few times. This is it.
*sigh*

I knew I needed to tell people IRL about what I was up to ... welcome Tee and Rex, to your sister Topcats blog. I love you guys, and thanks so much for your support already.

I have taken the pill and snorted Synarel and SHOT UP for fucks sake. I have kept my arms and legs inside the carriage, gone around and up and down. Now I just need to get off. I can't wait to just get off.

The Eggs are Gettin Bigger

Goodness me. Two more sleeps until:

1) We solve the case of the missing ovary
2) I know when/if/how I will trigger.

I have come to look forward to the long drives down and back to the hospital. And I love .... the Gonal F injections. They were the things I was most worried about! I remember earlier this year, finding out EXACTLY what doing IVF entailed, and crying so hard, I couldn't believe how invasive it was. But, I guess you kind of get used to it. It's amazing how we adapt, how the abnormal becomes normal.

So, I'm pretty sure I'm responding well. (Yay!) My tummy feels like this. I have to hold it to laugh. I showed off to Mr TC tonight with my Puffy White Pen, and made him squirm as I shot up. Felt pretty fucking tough.

I can't actually believe that I'll make it to retrieval, it seems so surreal. After all these years. Sometimes I feel like there's a baby up there**, guiding me on, waiting .... and other times I just feel that this will all turn to shit, I'll have a MAJOR meltdown and howl at the Gods and take up smoking again and fly by myself to Paris on a whim. Strange.

I'm right smack bang in the middle of an IVF cycle. It's safe in the middle. I like it here. Big bloated gut and all - it's safe. The beginning was terrifying. And the end?

I have abso-fucken-lutely no idea.

** Up there as in heaven-type up there. Not up-the-vagina kind of up there.

The Frustrating Case of the Missing Left Ovary

Back in May, I had an ultrasound to check all my bits were in place to start IVF. Then, the nurse couldn't find my left ovary, said it was behind some bowel gas. I have always, always been gassy. (Soz for the TMI). Seriously - my best friend in high school used to say "How are you ever going to get married with that trumpet playing every morning?"

This morning, I met Mr Wandmonkey for the first time. I was pleasantly surprised - I actually said "Wow, he's much skinnier than I thought!" I think I was expecting a big fat black dildo - he was very sleek and slimline. So during todays probing, Nurse Rosa's checking all my innards out, pointing things out to me. The good news is, my right ovary is coming along nicely. She counted eight follies on rightie, the largest being 11mm. Not ready to trigger though - which I was a bit (VERY) bummed about. Darn those expectations - they get you every time.

Then onto left ovary. Leftie? Leftie? Bueller? (That was for you Mony) Where the fuck my left ovary is, I have no idea. Nurse Rosa was SO lovely and apologetic. Because it bloody hurt - she was digging around in there for over ten minutes. Probe indeed. She finally asked "So, are you even sure you have two ovaries?" Ummm - no, I'm not sure. She said it could be obscured by bowel gas, but I've heard that before. I go back on Monday for another scan, this time with a sonographer. I told Nurse Rosa that I'll stay off the baked beans.

So, shit! Any assvice would be greatly appreciated. The good news is, she told me that my right ovary is doing well, and producing more follies than people sometimes get from both ovaries. The bad news is, I'm doing IVF and it frankly sucks. I wish I could create a baby with my husband without medical intervention. It's cold, clinical, unnatural, and makes me cry. A lot.

On the Sixth Day ... Let There Be Reeds

This morning I told Mr Topcat that my follicles feel like reeds in a pond. He almost gagged. But I'm excited - finally, after six days of stimming, the nuns piss might actually be doing something. I'm bloated, and can feel .... things goin on. Wish I had special Babymaking Goggles that I could put on and see what's happening inside my belly. How cool! You'd be able to watch, after embryo transfer, to see if this shit works or not. Fuck the HPT's. It'd be like CNNNN, with updates every hour, on the hour. "And breaking news .... we have implantation!" And watch it all happen.

Oops, did I just think all that out loud?

All will be revealed tomorrow morning, with the Deep Space Anal Probe #1. I mean the Wandmonkey. He's not getting out of it this time! He's goin DOWN. (Ha - he really is ..)

Mr TC think "Bill is a great name hon." I said ummm, well, that's my dads name, remember? (Drunken violent Scottish dad who our mother left when I was four, he died of said alcoholism when I was 12).

Mr TC: "Oh, that doesn't matter hon. Bill's a cool name".

Me: "Yeah .... but that was my DADS name." (Thinking, bad idea to even talk of names before the actual egg retrieval, no?)

Mr TC: "But you never even knew your dad".

Me: "EXACTLY!"

Actually I have 2 dead dads. Our stepdad of eleven years topped himself when I was 16. I have been to so many funerals - both close friends and family. At last count it was 23 funerals I have attended. SO much death, I guess it's why I obsess over the "what's it all about" scenario, try not to waste a single day anymore. I realised today that it is 24 years ago exactly that our "real" (ha) dad died. I rang my sister, laughing. She told me she was in a lift.

Me: "Happy Anniversary!"

Tezz: "What for?"

Me: "It's 24 years since Bill died!" Pissing myself laughing. (I know that's weird, but after so much bullshit and crap and therapy, my sisters and I are finally reconciling our ridiculously dreadful family life. Plus, we just think that shit's funny)

Tezz: "How the fuck do you even KNOW that!!" We just laughed together, her in a lift in Double Bay, me driving through Katoomba's fog.

Me: "Tezz, we really do put the FUN in dysFUNctional".

I will have a detailed account of "What the Dildocam Saw" tomorrow. Hope everyone's cool. xoxoxox

Life Imitates Art Imitates Blog

This has been my view this past winter. It shall forevermore be known as "That crazy fucked up IVF winter of 07". (The specks on the ground are woodchips, not skanky mess. I promise). In these last few months, I have seriously worn out a patch on the rug near the fire, as I diligently perused, commented, empathised, cried, and posted. Mr TC pointed it out yesterday - "Look, your heat-hugging has wrecked the rug." No - my blogging has wrecked the rug. But it's saved my sanity! The weather is slowly getting warmer, the countdown is now on for spring. I find myself wondering ... will I have a newborn next winter? Will I? I find myself closer than I ever dared to dream .... leaving me simultaneously exhilarated (that it will happen) and terrified (that it won't happen).

Peculiarly, I'm enjoying the stims. I'm on a mission. It feels so darn PURPOSEFUL. Right after I sniff the Synarel, I find myself counting down until 8.20pm, whereupon I lovingly caress the Gonal-F white puffy pen, twist the dial, change the tip. It doesn't really hurt that much as I plunge it in my belly; the manhand can plunge and release all in one swift motion. I'm not feeling many twinges or movement in the ovary vicinity .... last night I felt bloated and told Mr TC. His response? "You sure you don't need to take a crap?" I looked deeply into his eyes, and said "Wow, you are SO romantic hon." He walked off, laughing. "I know".

Thing is - I don't even know what Gonal-F IS. Something to do with nuns piss, or synthetic FSH that Chinese hamsters make. All I know is - I need 150ml of it every night, to help grow as many follies/eggs as I can. And that usually, after the injection, I walk back downstairs singing Wa Wa Nee's "Stimulation" - 'All I need to get is stimulation, so get me up against the wall ...'

Oooooh, pass the popcorn the suspense is killing me. Holy crap. I'm quite excited now. I believe the worst part about IVF is the WAITING beforehand. Always felt like a waste of valuable time to me. These eggs aren't getting any younger!

Poor Mr TC - during Rove tonight, I googled video footage of a PESA procedure and showed him. He lay sprawled on the lounge, transfixed, cupping his balls, howling. I felt sorry for him and overwhelmed with love - so he got lucky tonight. Ahem ...

A Funny Thing Happened at the Fertility Clinic Today

Well, onto stims I go. Picked up my white puffy pen today (2, in fact). Nurse Hurry quickly showed me how to do it - I gave the first one to myself, it didn't hurt at all. I was sure that I would get a lining scan. I mean, I didn't particularly want to meet Mr Wandmonkey, but due to weird ovulation pain a few days ago, I wanted to make sure my lining was nice and thin. I was all prepared. But no - they only do a scan after a week on Gonal F.

Earlier today, in a fertility clinic west of Sydney ...

Nurse Hurry: "Ok, so that's everything. See you next week."

Me: "Oh - I though I'd get ... a ... um ..." (tries to think of the proper name for Wandmonkey but fails ..) "Ummm, you know, the Wandmonkey."

Nurse Hurry: PISSING herself laughing. "The what!? Oh my goodness, I've never heard it called that before!"

Me: Laughing, but frantically searching memory banks for it's proper name ... "Oh, ha - I meant the dildo cam."

As soon as the words left my mouth I turned purple. Nurse Hurry was crouched over with laughter. She couldn't talk for a while, oh my God I'm laughing now it was so FUNNY. But so EMBARRASSING!!

Me: Pleading "Well - that's what they call it on infertility blogs!! What do you call it?"

Nurse Hurry: Wiping her eyes "Well, we just call it a probe."

She said she couldn't wait to tell all of the other nurses. (Can you imagine the laughter then!) Nurse Hurry said she lives in the mountains too - told me instead of driving all that way to the clinic (2 hours each way) for any drugs in the future, that I could just drive 20 mins to her house. How cool is that! She was so lovely - I certainly made an impression, so she won't be forgetting me anytime soon.

But I still kinda would've liked them to check my lining. Nurse Hurry told me that a lot of first cycles get cancelled, so don't be surprised if that happens. I really don't want that to happen. We shall see. I drove down there today BLARING U2. I really, really needed to hear Walk On. I had a lot of hope in my heart, and felt God/Universe/Love/Spirit/Nature right there with me. I thought of all of you lovely ladies in the IF trenches, on the other side; and everything in between. And I wished and prayed and hoped for us all.

Walk On

And love ... is not the easy thing

The only baggage you can bring ...

Is all that you can't leave behind

And if the darkness is to keep us apart

And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off

And if your glass heart should crack

And for a second you turn back

Oh no, be strong

Walk on, walk on

What you got they can’t steal it

No they can’t even feel it

Walk on, walk on ... Stay safe tonight

You're packing a suitcase for a place none of us has been

A place that has to be believed to be seen

You could have flown away

A singing bird in an open cage

Who will only fly, only fly for freedom

Walk on, walk on

What you've got they can't deny it

Can’t sell it, can’t buy it

Walk on, walk on

Stay safe tonight

And I know it aches

And your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on

Home... hard to know what it is if you’ve never had one

Home... I can’t say where it is but I know I'm going home

That's where the hurt is

I know it aches

How your heart it breaks

And you can only take so much

Walk on, walk on

Leave it behind

You've got to leave it behind

All that you fashion

All that you make

All that you build

All that you break

All that you measure

All that you steal

All this you can leave behind

All that you reason

All that you sense

All that you speak

All you dress up

All that you scheme...

Blogs 4 Eva

I have been taking Synarel every 12 hours like clockwork - I think one morning I was 10 minutes late, but otherwise I've been really vigilant. Today I've had ovulation pain. I really, really hope I'm wrong. But I know my body pretty well ... all shall be revealed on Friday I guess.

Drove down to Sydney today to get my car serviced. The problem with having a fancy schmancy car is having to go to a fancy schmancy mechanic. I really didn't feel like going - weepy, anxious, ugly, yucky etc etc. I felt lost - even the shops couldn't cheer me up. I was self-conscious and weird, and everyone was better than me. I've decided that I'm only doing IVF once, as it's impacted me so much - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. (Yep - that about covers it!). I don't think I could go through it again. It's not fair on any of us. Thank God it's relatively quick once you get started, really.

I read this in the paper today - not dissimilar to all of the wonderful pregnancy blogs out there. Thank God for blogs! And good luck for your EPU on Friday Imy!!

Pathos

I just told Mr TC that by the end of this month we will (hopefully) be at retrieval/transfer stage, he literally choked on his cup of tea. "Shit! Fuck .... that's great!". I said I know - thank God, soon I will be put out of my misery, and we will know either way if this has a chance of working or not. I had another dream last night; that I had a girl. They are officially recurring, these baby girl dreams. Shizen!

New Things Topcat is Worried About:

1. The Synarel hasn't worked and I have ovulated ...
2. Mr Topcats spoof has eaten itself and is no longer ...
3. The depression that made such a nasty home for itself in my head last week will come back to visit ...
4. My next Big Kahuna appointment is on Friday, I think I may meet Mr Wandmonkey for the first time. Suddenly I'm shy ...
5. I hope shooting up stims goes ok.
6. This won't work and then I have a meltdown ...

Think that's about everything covered - oh, I guess, there is a chance .... that we manage to pull this off, get knocked up, and have a magnificent beautiful baby at the end of it all. Yeah - yeah there is that option too. I'm loving myself sick with that option.
I have come out of the IVF closet - with ONE person I know. It was such a relief. She knew quite a few people who'd done it, and succeeded. I really felt like I let a bit of steam out of the pressure cooker by confiding in her. Honesty IS the best policy. Who knew??
Please send some love to Von.






You're Alice's Adventures in Wonderland!

by Lewis Carroll

After stumbling down the wrong turn in life, you've had your mind
opened to a number of strange and curious things. As life grows curiouser and curiouser,
you have to ask yourself what's real and what's the picture of illusion. Little is coming
to your aid in discerning fantasy from fact, but the line between them is so blurry that
it's starting not to matter. Be careful around rabbit holes and those who smile to much,
and just avoid hat shops altogether.


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

"I'm dreaming of a white ...... puffy pen".

Nothing much to really say today. I have finally stopped crying (yay!!) ... and now just walk around like I'm in a kind of void. Strange. I had a dream that I was writing "Topcat waz 'ere" on a big, fat, white, puffy pen***. Then I realised that it was a Gonal F pen, that Mony had used it, gotten pregnant, signed it, and given it to me to use. Which I did, as I was signing it I realised it had worked and I was pregnant! Then I had to pass it on to someone else to get pregnant. It was very cool.

Hey - thanks to everyone who shared their funny (but not) Zipper horror stories!! Who knew!!

I went out to dinner last night - really didn't want to go, but was glad I did. There was a table of 12 of us, I was sandwiched in next to Mr TC and a good friend of mine. My phone alarm went off (thanks for the tip Vee) for my Synarel - it would have taken so long to get out and find a loo. I just said to my friend "Oh, s'cuse me I have to do something strange." And bent down and sniffed, very surreptitiously. She said "Oh, you poor thing, do you have a blocked nose?" I told her I did. I'm all class, really.

I was thinking of taking up a new hobby. What do you think of this?

*** Holy shit - just googling a funny image of a Gonal F pen to add to this post - they are white and puffy! Who knew! I choose to believe that it's a motherfucking sign!!

No Witty Title Today

This sucks. Yesterdays post was stupid, IVF is terrifying. I don't like it at all. The lack of control is BULLSHIT. About 8 years ago, some friends and I went to a carnival, we were celebrating my birthday. I have always, always loved scary rides - there was one there called the zipper. We all went on it, except my hubbie-to-be, he had to mind his daughter. (She was only three). Anyway, so we get on, it's like this warped ferris wheel, except you sit in cages instead. I was waving to Mr TC, apprehension was fun, blah blah .... the ride starts, and no joke - it was like being in a car crash. We were thrown around so sharply and so suddenly - in any direction at any given time. We hated it - I was yelling at Mr TC to stop the ride, he was too far away and just waved back, smiling. He didn't understand what was going on. The ride went on, and on, and on. We got hurt - there were no seatbelts! We were laughing, then crying. It was awful. I kept yelling "Stop! Stop!" To the ride operator, Mr TC, anyone. We resigned ourselves to it, and just bunkered down for the rest of it. We'd paid our money ... there was no backing out now. I gave in - just let it throw me around. Finally it stopped. The guy let everyone out, cage by cage. We were the last ones to be let out. Just before he opened the door to our freedom, he thought it would be funny to spin us around about 10 times. And we let him! At that point, we couldn't talk, seriously couldn't even voice a protest. We stumbled out, and had to go straight home. I had a migraine for the rest of the day and lost my brand new lipstick. My friends all threw up. Of course we all laugh about it now though - the folklore that is the Zipper Story.

Of course, it's easy to see where I'm going with this - IVF is the Zipper, don't know what to expect, paid our money, life is a rollercoaster, yah yah.

I'm living in Limboland. The uncertainty is sending me into a tailspin. Up and down and up and down ... the thought of going through all of this for nothing, freaks me out. And frankly, pisses me off. Today I am daring the Universe to deny me a baby ... c'mon prick, you wanna piss me off?? I've hardly stopped crying since yesterday afternoon - my oven broke, then my computer fucks up and BANG. Suddenly everything is all too much and I'm in bed at 6pm sobbing my heart out, but thinking "Wtf? Where did all this come from? I was doing so well!"

I cleaned out my whole pantry today - crying. Chopped wood - crying. Picked up Tiger from school with dark sunnies on - crying. Did some writing, had a shower, cooked dinner - crying crying crying. Right now? Crying.

It could just be my hormones, fuckin with me. It could be the fact that I refuse to tell anyone that I'm doing IVF, because it's so private. Hence I have no-one to offload on. I feel very alone. I am off balance and out of kilter. There's hay in my wire. I'm so used to having all my shit together, ya know? I'm annoyed - at wanting this, this one thing SO VERY MUCH. All of the women who go through repeated cycles - WOW. I take my hat off to them.

Any cracks that were in my life pre-IVF ... well, they now all look like caverns. Overwhelming feelings of dissatisfaction, longing, and sadness prevail.

*SIGH*

And yet ... deep deep DEEP down, in the murkiness somewhere - I know I'm ok. Truly. I do have perspective. I already live with masses of gratitiude for where I'm at in my life anyway. I know I can get through this .. Limboland Inferno. (Oh, fuck off Pollyanna).

9 Sleeps til Stims!! Woo-hoo!!

I went to jail yesterday. Scares me every time. There's always two of us there that run the meeting, we set up, boil the jug, get the literature out, put the 12 step banners up. I always feel like a freakin Mormon - until I share a part of my story, then they stop looking at me like I'm some kind of glasses-wearing nerd (ahem) - and start identifying with what I have to say. My story is pretty horrific - I could never write a memoir. I could write fiction that secretly is a memoir though. The women started to trickle in - HANGING for us to open the packs of bikkies. There were about 15 of us there - I looked around the room, my gaze drawn directly to a big belly. Wow. She looked so young, so pretty ... and so pregnant. I asked her to share, but she was too shy. After the meeting, she thanked us and left, holding her tummy. I wanted to run after her, ask a million questions "Are you ok? How long are you in for? Who's the father?" And the biggest question - are you clean? I hope she is. My heart breaks when I think of kids with addicts/alcoholic parents. It's dreadful.

Ok - stepping off the soapbox .... thank goodness for getting off the BCPs, I can really notice the difference. I don't want to punch people in the head anymore! Yay for me! The Synarel is going well - no side effects, really. Sometimes I feel like the spray isn't big enough or something, but it probably is. AF came on Saturday - how funny is it that you need to ring up, announce your crimson tide to the nurse! "Yes, it IS a full flow!!" My next appt is Friday week. I sounded so happy on the phone to her - "To start stims??" (Uhh, yes) "Ok GREAT!! I'll see you then!" Truth is, I am excited. I love sniffing every 12 hours. Bring on the Gonal Gonad. I love being pro-active about my baby making escapades, instead of just dreaming/pining/aching about it. Terrified as well of - that's a given, isn't it? I'm starting to worry about Mr TCs sperm. Because I have to worry about SOMETHING.

Well, I finally made it onto Cyclesista. I seriously was starting to think I wasn't "allowed" to be on there!! Thank you, Lut!! Funny thing is - my real name went on there first, which I got all paranoid about (don't really know why - I just don't want anyone IRL to accidently find me). So after haranguing for so long, I had to get it changed. Topcat the pest. I have an unusual real name - they thought it was a pseudonym!

After the meeting in the jail yesterday, I had to use the visitors loo. I forgot to take a tampon in with me - there, sitting on top of the cupboard, was a brand new pack of pads. So I used one. Walked out, past the guards, sirens blaring, out through the scary maximum security walls ... I rang my sister, pissing myself laughing, choking on the words. She was laughing at me laughing. "What? What?" I finally managed to get it out - "I've got ..... I've got a PRISON PAD ON!!!" Laughing nutbags together. God I heart her.

Synarel Tastes Like Speed

Standing in the reception area at the fertility clinic yesterday, my gaze kept creeping back to the poster they have on the wall - amazing full colour photos of stages of fetal development, at the end was a beautiful photo of a newborn lying on its mother, immediately after birth. As I handed over the money needed to pay for my baby (knowing full well that no,when it comes to IVF, sadly every player does not win a prize) I wondered how many women had looked at that poster with an aching heart. I certainly was.

The nurse came out, greeting me with my file, saying "So, Topcat - you can't start treatment yet." WTF!!!! I didn't cry - I had already cried the three hours it took to get there. I was out of tears. Again. Let's start from the beginning ...

I was an hour and a half late for my appt - even after leaving home before 6.30am. The freeway was detoured, for fucks sake. Tiger had woken up so, so sick - crying, didn't want me to go. I felt so bad. Then the epic journey. Traffic was so, so bad. I got lost and rang Mr TC. Three hours - but not. It actually took almost three years to get to that appointment yesterday. This shit's like a freakin N1ntend0 game from hell. (Later, as I watched the news, I saw the heartbreak of people not even making it home from their journeys. Got a big dose of perspective, and gratitude. My heart goes out to the families)

I sat in the corridor, waiting for the nurse to call the doctor to decide my fate. It was run down, weary, and old. A lot like how I felt. Anyhoo, the go-ahead was given (FARRRRKKK) .... I had an interview, which was SO informative. The nurse was so lovely, caring. She suddenly asked "Do you want some Fantales?" Hell yeah!! I haven't had one of those for years! Nurse Fantale arrived back with four, we got 2 each. They stuck to my teeth so I just nodded when she asked me something. She gave me a demo of Synarel, and then my own brand spankin new bottle. We talked and laughed, I forgot all of my questions but she was so detailed I didn't need them anyway. I asked about the statistics - not great! She said they did approx 820 embryo transfers last year - about 35% resulted in a take-home baby. (Sounds like a take-home box of ice cream). Now, those stats are on a broad range of women, ages of 25 to 43, with fertility issues all diverse. But ..... if I was in Vegas, those odds aint great. But .... I hate odds at the best of times. Actually, I've been defeating odds for years ... why should I stop now!!

So, every 12 hours is the Synarel Sniffing Situation - anyone think this tastes like speed? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Ummmmm, no, I'd have no idea either. Ahem. Moving right along to the DRUMROLL ..... no more BCP's. Hurrah! I've been spotting the last few days, AF is hanging to visit, hopefully she'll come right on cue.

I was goofing around with Tiger yesterday arvo - and heard Mr TC come in, asking where I was. I called from the other room "Why - so you can give me my flowers?" He walked in to give me my flowers. I can't REMEMBER the last time he's done that. It was so lovely. Later, he was genuinely interested in what had happened, what's next, etc. I was telling him how Synarel turns your hormones off, kinda like a fake menopause. He goes "Menopause? Isn't that what you get once a month?" I tried to keep a straight face - no, that's menstruation sweetie. Tee hee. Mr TC is quite sure this will work - I had to tell him, tears welling "Look, we need to prepare ourselves that it might not." He nodded - he looked so concerned. I felt slack logging on - to see the picture I posted previously. Oops!

I finally understand why I have immersed myself in blogland like this .... it's to make the abnormal normal. I already knew everything Nurse Fantale said to me yesterday. Triggers and follies and hCg and iodine .... there's not much left for me to know about it all .... except if all of this effort and longing and energy is worth it.

Right now - I feel excited and apprehensive - relieved to actually be in the game. It's a careful balance of caution and hope. "I hope it works for me! But I need to stay grounded. But I'm closer to being pregnant now! But this might not work. Oh - googling baby names, what a great idea! Don't put all of your eggs in one petri dish."