Thursday, 9 October 2008

Better

I totally feel so motherfucking much better .... the awful, relentless fear I've had since Mr TCs funny turn the other night is finally starting to lift. I was starting to get so over myself, as the only thing that has helped this week was climbing into my bed with my laptop at the end of the day and letting loose. I was starting to get so embarassed about being stuck in the mire.

Wondering incessantly all over again if Mr TC was going to die just threw me for a six, along with being quite worn down with the Fiasco.

Mr TC has chemo tomorrow, he is absolutely dreading it. He asked me to book a ticket for stepson to come back ... on Sunday. Ummmm, shit. I feel strangely ok about it, right here in this moment. My theory is, we can't handle any more clusterfucks, so perhaps stepson coming back is going to be a positive thing. I love him, very much. He lived with us for six years, that's a lot of memories, history, laughs.

__


It'll be ok. It will. 

10 comments:

Wordgirl said...

Oh shit.

I'm laughing so hard right now tears are threatening to spill onto my cheeks and the animals are looking at me like I'm crazy.

I HAVE to find my picture.

You are a beauty by the way -- you know that right? What was the aussie word? Spunk? (hee hee -- sounds dirty)

XO

Love and love,

Pam

MrsSpock said...

LOL...being mistaken for a man takes the cake. Mullets are wrong. I am looking for some good piccies now...

Vacant Uterus said...

I heart that awesome mullet! Rock on Rex, you manly, er awesome chick, you!

Bad fashion and out-of-date haristyles and all, you are all three of you a bunch of stunners.

I can't wait to find out what the dork prize is!!!!!

(PS~ My entry is up. I will totally win as I accessorized with Dork Boyfriend.)

Marie said...

I love going back to old pics and do the old "What the heck was I thinking" lol.

I have some good dorky pictures but sadly no time to put them up so I will just have to laugh at you guys.

I hope with all hopes that Mr. TC responds well to the chemo today and that he regains strength quickly. I hope you all have peace today.

Wordgirl said...

Um, mine is up now.

You will have to decide -- but it is totally rockin' -- I love the huge frame glasses -- check it out.

Sexy.

bleu said...

I so want to explain. I truly hope you will ALWAYS vent vent vent on your blog. That is one of the FANTASTIC things about having a blog.

I always feel really close to you when I read your blog posts. I also do this thing where I clear my mind and then post what pops into my head. What I think could possibly trigger some good thinking for you.

What I wrote this time was sort of tough love but not in the "you are bitching and moaning too much" way. I SWEAR. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BITCH AND MOAN. YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH FUCKING HELL!!

I also know how much one, especially an addict or an addict mind, can do the play rewind replay thing over and over. And then if you, and I mean me too here, does the intense inner focusing on the pain and shittiness it can make you crazy, or it can make you want to use or escape somehow because it is so fucking painful.

So my dear wonderful woman I was trying to throw thoughts out to bump your mind out of the intense inner focus replay stuff.

I used to have a HUGE problem with terminal uniqueness and the only way out for me was to focus on other things in the world. In the line of Buddhism I study, sometimes when I am with it, there is this breathing technique called Tonglen Breath. It is this thing where you bring your focus wider and wider. So if you breath in, for example, your own infertility and breathe out space and peace, then you breathe in your friends who have IF issues and out peace for them, then you widen again to breathe in for everyone in blogland with those issues and out peace and calm and then eventually you breathe in for all people of the world dealing with it. The idea is by widening the focus you find your commonality with the world and it makes the thing your are breathing about less terrifying and isolating.

So trying to say there are others with worse, WHICH I KNOW YOU KNOW, was just trying to help you focus wider. And I am so so so so so so sorry if it even caused a milisecond of pain because I just adore you and what you are dealing with is so real and so painful and so terrifying.
I just wanted to give you the ability to breathe a second because this week it sounds like you are suffocating.

I am also very sorry to your sister. She loves you and is rightly protective. And I should have explained it so much better than I did.

Much much love.

I am again so sorry.

Bleu

annacyclopedia said...

Glad you're feeling better, TC. It comes and goes and comes and goes, eh? Hope you get to soak in the better times when they come and your heart gets so filled up with peace that will take over the crap and kick its ass when it tries to come back.

Dora said...

"Tiger came up from behind me when I had this pic up on my computer. He says "Mum, who's that guy?""

HA! Well, with the tie ... she actually looks like a guy I went to high school with.

Geohde said...

TC,

I went to school with a poor unfortunate chick who was forever being mistaken for a bloke. Not suprisingly, she didn't exactly have many boyfriends....

J

Topcat said...

Bleu, you are such a fucking awesome chick. I totally get it, really. In hab the therapists called it "uniquely fucked" .... which is a very dangerous place for an addict to be, regardless of any situation.

No, no no offence taken.

XOXOXOXOXOXO