Friday, 10 October 2008

"You Gotta See the Bay-bee!"

Considering I have, you know, A BABY, I thought I would give an update. Because, I did actually pine for him for years before he came - and now he's here - and I'm still trying to be not so damn preoccupied with the stupid cancer Fiasco.

Sometimes, I sniff and sniff and sniff his head, and get sad that one day he will grow up and leave me, and I will never be able to sniff his head anymore. I want to travel to different countries with him ... with Tiger too. I want them to love me. I want to not fuck them up too much. Monkey smiles at everyone he meets .... even scary dudes. (Like, in the grocery store or something. I don't take him to biker hangouts or anything).

He has his mums big man hands and feet. He still doesn't roll over. I have asked my sisters ... "Hey, what do babies do?" I click on blogs - "normal" blogs, where people don't swear and rage at the moon. I click on them to see what Monkey possibly should be doing by now. (My brain just does not work these days). Then I do the same things with him, and he loves it. Thank God for the normal people, otherwise he would just play with my keys for a year.

He is on solids ... I know it's early, but trust me - the guy wanted food. I've pureed up some veggies for him, he gobbles it down in two seconds flat. Most of this week, he had store-bought food, because I couldn't get my shit together. There is a whole fresh, organic range in the fridge at the supermarket. Oh yeah!!

I finally got him weighed at the clinic - the nurse gave me grief about putting him on solids too early. Previously, the other nurse had given me grief about having him on soy milk. I will never go back there again - I have enough grief. I also have a healthy baby, so fuck off. Some people just shame other people, for no good reason.

Monkey weighs 7 kilos. In nine days he will be five months old. He smiles with his entire face, loves chewing on his hands, and ADORES his big brother Tiger.
He is sleeping pretty well, sometimes five hour stretches, occasionally the whole night.

Tiger was eating a pizza bread roll. I was out of the room, came back in, and sensed something happened. "What?" I said to Tiger.

Without missing a beat, he told me he crushed up a tiny bit of ham with lots of water and gave it to Monkey, and Monkey loved it. Pork water, ladies. My baby ate PORK WATER.

We went out for dinner for the first time the other night ... I forgot his food, bottle, bib and nappies. Seriously! Lucky it was my friends pizza restaurant. I went over and asked if he could make Monkey some pumpkin soup. He loved it.

Last year, when I started to tell people I got pregnant on IVF #1, I got mainly the same response ... "Ohhh, it worked straight away! It was meant to be!"
It irked me. What of the people who it didn't work for straight away. Was it not meant to be? Then, when Mr TC got diagnosed, people would say ... "Ohhhh, what terrible timing!"

If it was "meant to be" from the beginning, then there would have been no terrible timing at the end. I kept repeating myself to people. "Look, sometimes there's no good or bad, right or wrong. It just IS."

Of course I have wondered how differently I would be parenting a baby, had my hubbie not gotten that pesky cancer when he did. I don't know. I also wonder, how would I have coped with Mr TCs cancer if I didn't have a baby? All pointless questions, really.

He is beautiful. So handsome. I'm not biased ... he really is a fucking handsome little guy. Like his big brother. Speaking of which ... his BIGGEST brother, the sixteen year old one ... will be back here on Monday. Where IS that stepmother hat of mine? I know I left it hanging around the place somewhere ...


Tonight, my Beige Guy is the Beigest. Chemo day is so putrid and grey. The energy here gets all fucked up. I realise that every chemo, I always spend a bit of money. Tiger always gets Lego. I treat myself ... to some top-shelf chocolate and European mineral water. Found myself doing things today ... but always thinking of him, sitting down at the big hospital next to one of my sisters, dreading the poisoning. He cannot hardly stand another second of it. There are three weeks left. I wonder whatever will happen next? Will he go into remission, and then the cancer will never come back, so we can wipe our brows and say "Phew! Lucky we made it through that one!"

Can shit like that happen? Where IS that crystal ball of mine ... must be next to my stepmother hat somewhere.

See - see what just happened? The Fiasco hijacked the baby news again.

But, he brings us back every time. He cuts through chemo clouds with a single smile. I look at his amazingness, and I can't believe how gorgeous he is and how lucky I am.


Caba said...

He's so gorgeous. Seriously. I big chunky ball of love. You may be slightly biased, as his mom, but I am not biased, as a strange internet blogger, and seriously, he's way too cute. I'm glad that he is able to be a ray of light in the crazy life you are living right now.

Ya know, I get really made with all the strange comments you get when dealing with happy or sad news. My mom made a comment to me about how she thanks God that my sister found her cancer early. To her, it's proof that there is a God (I'm an atheist, so she always needs to throw that in). My response was "Oh, so people who find cancer later SHOULDN'T believe in God? He wasn't looking out for them?"

It's a stalemate. People are always trying to find the "right" thing to say, and very rarely do.

Sending hugs.

Wordgirl said...

Oh Topcat -- he is so beautiful -- just a little bundle of smiles -- you can see it even when he's not smiling he's about to -- and how cute is Tiger? What a handsome young man HE is...those two will never have any dork photos that's for certain :)

You know when I first read your blog I was struck by our similarities -- it was so clear -- and when word of Mr.TC's cancer came it just seemed so fucking unfair because what I thought was 'no, no, this isn't how it works -- see -- she's been through enough already, you don't get to do this too -- take this shit to someone who's life has been all sunshine and rainbows up until now...' (nice of me eh?)

I know you must be tired of everyone telling you how strong you are and how well you're doing -- if I were there I'd try to keep my mouth shut (not always an easy task) and just take care of you guys so you didn't have to think -- and marvel at the beautiful boys you have.

Ah step-parenting. Yes, that hat sometimes gives me a tremendous headache. Hardest thing I've ever done --

Nice pics on the dork olympics btw -- I have been laughing and laughing...but seriously man, that plate is mine.

And no, I think the apple in the mouth was my own idea --




Rachel Inbar said...

I'm wondering if they don't start kids on solids too late nowadays - here it's at 6 months - my daughter then refused to eat anything until 10 months and my son (now 7 months) doesn't eat more than a teaspoon or two. Probably starting earlier would have been better... 4 months sounds about right to me, I'm sorry I didn't try it this time.

bleu said...

Ohhhh he is sooo adorable!!!! Such a gorgeous boy, BOTH of them!!!

When Bliss was a baby I exclusively breast fed. One nurse once said he would starve and not get enough and I just HAD to supplement. The next visit another nurse said I was overfeeding him with my breast milk and he was going to be too fat. You are soo right, some people just like to shame.

LMAO at pork water!!!

YES YES I believe exactly that CAN happen and it is what I envision for you and Mr. TC ALL the time!!!

annacyclopedia said...

He is truly a scrumptious boy. And he looks very healthy and very big, so that nurse can naff off. Can I send her an anonymous email telling her he's as gorgeous as he is cause he drinks pork watere?

Tiger and Monkey look so happy together - my nephews have the same blissed out look when they're just enjoying being brothers. I love that so much.

PaleMother said...

Okay, I owe you for the pork water. LOL.

DS2 has his second ear infection in two weeks and he woke up screaming at 4:30am and didn't quit until 10ish ... when I got tired of playing the ... you doze fitfully on top of me and then scream bloody murder when my arm falls asleep and I try to sneak it into a position that won't cause nerve damage game ... and I put him in his crib, kicking myself for not being the martyr variety mom. That had to end. For both of us. I came up to comfort him once, and to my relief he fell asleep again quickly in my lap while I was reading online. Your blog. B****. I managed to keep my amusement silent until I it the pork water and my body shook like an old train racing through eastern Europe. Note to self: Don't read TC with sleeping, fussy baby in your lap.

GORGEOUS photo of Monkey and Tiger. Best thing I've seen all day. (The quality of my day being no reflection on the quality of the pic).

Thank God for Tee and Rex ... I'm so glad they can spare you a few of every last ounce of the bad ride. Chemo, chemo go away. I should send you some sage so you can smudge the place.

"I click on blogs - "normal" blogs, where people don't swear and rage at the moon, and recover from heroin."

This one didn't make me shake, but it gave a black, naughty smile. I don't much care for 'normal' blogs.
That comment reminds me of this (I posted it once, so you've seen it):

Enough of me. Hug yourself.



PS DS2 just woke up ... I'd say it was meant to be that I be able to post to you tonight, but I too tired to run away. :)

Vacant Uterus said...

No, you're not biased. He really IS the cutest baby. I always make Sarge come over to my computer and look at pics of Monkey. I'm plotting to one day adopt a girl just so she can marry him. :-)

I had a nightmare last night that a doctor was yelling at me for not putting Sam on solids! She said he was losing the ability to sit upright because he was too weak and it was all my fault for not feeding him enough. The motherguilt is amazing, it even penetrates sleep!

If it were not for my friend sending me a book, I'd have no idea what to do with Sam either. I mean, he can't really sit on his own and he's not mobile. He's bored with his playmat, I get that but what else is there? I recently attached a whole bunch of links to his mobile so he could move it around and he really liked that. Thank you, book!

Can it happen that Mr. TC will go into remission, you'll all wipe your brows and say "phew!" YES. And I'm praying it will. I'm sending you hope and grace, my friend.

kateypie35 said...

I am glad you aren't going back to that clinic, cause they are obviously blind and stupid....anyone with eyeballs can see that baby is one big chubby ball of healthy robust deliciousness. Ooo, I just want to slobber all over those cheeks...nom nom nom...

Big hugs and well wishes to Mr. TC...ugh, chemo sounds so wretched and evil...
And big hugs to you too...

ps - just for YOU, I am actually going to my mothers house on Sunday to retrieve my dorkiest of dorky pics...will have them to you by Sunday night...and you will shiver with disgust and delight at the extreme gooberness.

Vee said...

There is no doubt about it..your boys are gorgeous !!!
I love that photo of you kissing monkey...I can feel the love. Sigh. xx

Geohde said...

AH, I wish your Monkey could play with my terrors. :)

You're right- nothing is or isn't meant to be. They just are.


Gemini Girl said...

I still believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe that you had struggled with secondary infertility because monkey was supposed to be born when he was- to bring the ray of sunshine at a time of cloudy days. I know that sounds very optimistic- but being as connected as I am to my sixth sense, I KNOW that things happen when they are supposed to happen- and that EVERYTHING happens for reasons- that we may not know.

As us jews say- look at that ponim (face)

Heather said...

What a sweetie!! My doctor told me to start my son on solids at 4 months so I don't think you are too early at all. He was hungry and he loved his fruits and veggies!! :-)