Wednesday, 15 October 2008


"There's a kite blowing out of control on the breeze,
I wonder what's gonna happen to you ..
You wonder what has happened to me..."
U2 - Kite

He is so far away.

It's spring here - the warmth, the birds, people are out and about, glad for their time in the sun.
Happy, busy making summer plans.

Yet he - he is trapped, deep in the harshest winter he has ever known. All of his branches stay bare, no bird comes to sing in his heart. How it must be so very cold, deep down in his bones. How he must just ache with the memory of who he used to be.

Everybody agrees ... "Oh, but he is such a fighter! If anyone can get through this, he can!" It is true.

He has had to be strong, his whole life. No father, sent to boys home. He left school early. He's not that great writer or reader. But I tell him he doesn't need to be, for he has me. He is an amazing builder. Some people spend their lives tearing things down ... he has spent his building things up.He showed me what it means to love someone ... no matter what. He grounded me. He gave me the world. I gave him mine back. Our worlds are very different. He built his own home, in my heart. I never thought anyone could get through - but he did.

Lately I have pulled away. I am tired. It is tiring, being married to a sick man. I have been angry, blaming, resentful. He broke my heart when he got cancer. No man has ever broken my heart before. Except my dads, I guess.

I slowed down my car to take this photo the other day, pissing off all the drivers behind me. I have been living in the same town for 10 years. It's spring here .... people come from far and wide, to see the amazing gardens on display. The colours are spectacular. I never noticed seasons until I got sober. It took a three-year old Tiger, to say to me one autumn day .... "Mum! Look at that big red colour in the trees!" ... and for the first time in my life I noticed autumn.

This year - these last five months specifically - everything has a certain clarity. I have driven past these blossom trees almost daily - bare in winter, they grow their flowers in spring. I only realised ...the other day ... that they blossom for around three weeks. Then the wind plucks the flowers from their branches and they scatter all over the roads, like natures own confetti. It's so breathtakingly beautiful. I can't believe I have never known this. Where have I been?

I can't wait for your spring, my sweetheart. I miss you.



Wordgirl said...

I have tears in my eyes TC, this is a beautiful, gorgeous post -- what a writer you are -- when I post this I will go back to read it again.

It struck me, as I read this, that TC has three beautiful sons to surround him too -- perhaps, like that first time -- it will be powerful to have them all together.

My love and thoughts are with you -- I can see you looking at those bursting, fragile blossoms...



MrsSpock said...

What a lovely post. Spring cannot come soon enough.

Vacant Uterus said...

My heart aches for you.

I agree with Wordgirl, sons are powerful talismans against the dark. Life and health to all of you.


bleu said...

Such a gloriously beautiful post.
I cannot wait for his spring too.

Much love.

G said...

Oh TC, I can't wait for the spring for you both, for you as a couple.

And dammit, you made me cry.


Anonymous said...

This is why I love you. You are so connected within yourself. His spring will come!

vamplita said...

Yuppers, it's high time for some rebirth and renewal in Chez TC. I'm hoping and praying for y'all that it comes very, very soon.


annacyclopedia said...

My eyes are all prickly with tears, TC. I'm praying that spring comes soon for both of you, to warm you and make you new again.

Amanda said...

What a beautiful post. I hope and pray that spring comes for Mr. TC (and for you too) so very soon. (((hugs)))

Tee said...

Great, now I have to go off to yoga bawling like a baby! Sigh, such a talented sister I have. x

Vee said...

A truly beautiful post TC. I so hope springs arrives for your family soon, actually I know it will with time.

That tree was certainly worth slowing down for, I am so glad you captured it. Sometimes we just need to slow down.

Pixxiee said...

Way to make me cry hon. Yeah. No words...just a hug and a hope that spring comes soon.

Stacie said...

Beautiful post, TC. I know the spring is almost there for you all.

You know. That picture of Mr. TC has one thing that stands out to me--his wedding ring. That ring is a testament to the spring, my dear. It will come!

nancy said...

Damn it. I'm all crying now. You and pam. jesus.

nancy said...

and as I'm being all emotional, I just realized why you call him "Mr TC". God, I'm a dork.

Geohde said...

Just beautiful, TC.

Hoping you get that lovely springtime, soon,



Evil Stepmonster said...

As they say, sometimes you can't see the woods for the trees.

I hope this spring heralds a great renewal for all at Chez TC.

Sugar and Ice said...

Dang...that made me tear up. I pray his spring is coming soon.

battynurse said...

Wow. Amazing post. Many spring wishes coming towards you and Mr. TC.

Anonymous said...

You have a beautiful way words. Blessings for spring

rex said...

What a truly amazing post, you are an incredible writer. This winter, the harshest one you have ever known in so many ways; has taken your writing to another level my bro. You don't need to sleep with the bees, you already have the creativity and talent right inside you - set it free like you just did right here. I'm so proud of you brozone, so incredibly proud xx

Almamay said...

Beautiful post. It is strange that you are starting spring whilst the autum starts in Europe. I fly back to London with the cold, rain and wind again and I'm dreading it. I want to stay in Athens with the sun, warmth, beautiful blue sky and wonderfuly generous people.

tobacco brunette said...

Oh TC. What a beautiful post - you made me cry. And not for the first time.

Spring can't come soon enough for all of you. XOXO

Me said...

Coming over from Lost and Found. I know a thing or two about having an ill spouse. I know it's hard. I'm glad things are looking up and hope the good news continues.