Tuesday, 28 October 2008


Yesterday at Tigers school, I saw a man carrying his son inside, to pick up his daughter from kindy. His son is disabled. About three years old. He will never walk .... his legs stuck out from his fathers side, splayed awkwardly. They were skin and bones. Monkey has more fat on his chubby little legs. Instantly, I was dealt a huge rush of overdue humility. Everything I am handling is just that .... handle-able. This little boy will never WALK. I have two healthy, wonderful, amazing little boys. I am blessed beyond relief. (Freudian - I mean to write 'belief') If I focus - properly focus, on my two guys ... I feel calm, and re-energised, and grateful.

Then I got home and my sister sent me this link. And I cried.


"I may not be much, but I'm all I think about."

If I add up all the time I spend thinking about myself - at least 70% of the time I'm thinking (usually worrying) about my future, 20% of the time I'm thinking about my past (usually wishing I had made different choices), and about 10% of the time thinking about what I should do next - it's easy to see why I don't have time for others. I'm busy!

The paradox, though, is that all this self-centeredness isn't driven by a big ego or high sense of self. Rather, it's the low self-esteem of alcoholism that fuels my thoughts, and it's why most of my thinking is negative and self defeating. Self-loathing is a core characteristic of this disease and when combined with self-obsession, it becomes a depressingly deadly combination.

Thank God there is a way out. I was taught early on that self-centeredness is the root of my trouble, and that true recovery comes from thinking about and working with others. I've found that when I'm focused on you, I'm not thinking about me, and that's the only time I begin feeling better about myself.

And when I feel better about myself, it's easier to think more about others.


Mr TCs cancer blew everything in our lives out of the water. Everything. "We're gonna need a bigger boat."



A pic of Tiger and Monkey. Tiger says to me "Ohhhhhhh, man!!!! I just have SO MUCH LOVE in my heart for Monkey, mum!!! It's like a volcano of love!!"



MrsSpock said...

I looked at the link you gave. Oy. Burns are the worst.

Keep slogging through the shit. One last chemo!

OHN said...

The last shot of tiger and monkey is priceless. I wish I knew what monkey was thinking!

Stepson--hmm, lets hope it is for viewing pleasure and not wearing pleasure:)

On a totally unrelated note, could you zip off an email to me when you get a chance..I have a 24 year old niece traveling AU for a year and looking for adventures, (she has climbed volcanos, traversed rapids on zip lines etc) any suggestions for her and her friend for these coming months??

bleu said...

Oh my gosh Three more days til last chemo. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!

The pictures.....so amazing.
The words of Tiger brought me to tears, so amazing!!!!!

Those amazing boys of yours are direct reflections of you and how awesome you are, I hope you know that.

Much much love mamacita!!

Wordgirl said...

Bleu has it right -- those amazing boys are definitely a product of the love that surrounds them -- that last photo is so amazing.

And I LOVE that Tiger can articulate the love he feels for Monkey -- W is so reserved with his feelings -- he keeps it inside...

Oh I want to look at it again...

Topcat . You're great.

battynurse said...

I'm laughing at the idea of finding lacy things. That would be something I'd do.
Yay for almost being done with Chemo!!! That is fantastic.

Beautiful Mess said...

Yeah I'm with Battynurse. I should find comfort and wisdom in the AA wisdom thingy, but holy hell!!! the panties are funny as hell, woopsies! I hope you can purge yourself of all the negativity and live peaceful, I'm pullin for ya sista! The pictures are awesome! Georges kids!

Vee said...

YAY for the last chemo round !

I love that Monkey can express his love so beautifully, amazing. You have taught them so much TC, it is your beauty showing through them.

I the phots are great.

Geohde said...

Those piccys of Tiger and Monkey are gorgeous!

One. More. Chemo. Bloody awesome...


PaleMother said...

Roy Scheider. Nice one. :) I'd have you in my boat anytime. Think we could take him?

Gorgeous boys, as always. Monkey is peachier every day. :)

Here's to the end of chemo ... here's hoping many other bad things end with it.


D. was here, thinking of you.

Stacie said...

I just love the pictures and Tiger's words. Your boys are amazing. They get that from their mom, you know!

You really are amazing, too. Once again, I am marveling out your strength and perspective. Thank you for reminding me that I need to get out of the worrying stage and move into enjoying my life more. Worrying about the stuff that could happen won't prevent it from happening...it just sucks the enjoyment out of today. It is so time for me to start enjoying things!

And holy shit did I cry at the link. Jeeez. Talk about a paradigm shift for me. I do forget that I really have so very little to complain about--really I do. That link just drove the point home to me. (I am a little dense sometimes and need a lot of reinforcement for it to stick!)

Much love to you and yours,

Vacant Uterus said...

Oh, that link made me BAWL. That poor woman. When she said "I don't want to do this, I just want to go home and make dinner for my family."...I'm crying AGAIN.

"We are only as sick as our secrets." Wow, that is powerful! I want to write a whole post on that. I think I will.

So glad you have been able to let some of your darkness float out. You have the most amazing blog, Toppest of Cats! The honesty here is by itself amazing but your teachable spirit, the way people come to the table and say their honest things with love and not condemnation...it's pretty awesome. I'm glad I'm a part of it.

And all that aside, you've got the most adorable kids! "Volcano of love"...perfect!

dee said...

That's one gorgeous pair of boys you've got there Mrs. TC :-) I love that bottom pic best.

nancy said...

lol. Black panties. It totally serves you right.

omg, that's hilarious.

I'm bypassing all the other things I should be saying right now. But I can't. I don't have the energy in my own mind to dole out anything else. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. :(