Monday, 6 October 2008

Not such a Motherfucking Beautiful Day

Today has been one of the worst, fucked up, rotten days in a long motherfucking time. It's now 9.45pm ... two hours and fifteen more minutes of it left. You are going DOWN, motherfucker.

Let me just backtrack .... the last few days I have been feeling really crap. I was on a high when Mr TC was away - I was free from the black, energy-sucking cancer aura. Usually I miss him when he is away, but no, not this time. I needed a break. I did so much when he was gone, just accomplished a lot of crap that has been building up for, oh, four and a half months.

Last Friday I was looking at my blog stats ... a lot of people find their way to my blog by googling bowel gas (heh), and bad nuchal, and missing ovary. (Mine went MIA for a while but was eventually found). I notice that a lot of the time, people come here, then go clicking through May's posts. May was when we found out about Mr TC, and when the baby came. So, it was a pretty fucking busy month, no?

I don't mind that people do that at all .... I decided to have a go myself. So, there I went, back into my late-pregnancy days, all bitching and moaning. And I knew what was coming. I wanted to travel through time, whisper into my own ear some gentle words of warning. "Brace yourself, sweetheart! We're in for a big one!" Then BANG, tumours. POW. Baby. BIFF. Chemo. The onslaught. Us AAs have a saying for this .... it is called "life on lifes' terms". Well don't I win the fucking prize for that one.

Of course, rehashing it all made me quite upset. And shocked. I think I'm in a bit of denial around it all, maybe. But, I re-read all the comments from that time also, and the shock from people was just so great. And the total compassionate outpouring of love from people I have never met in the flesh. And it all just kind of hit me, and I haven't felt the same since I read it all.

Then Mr TC comes back, and we are back doing time again. And we had a big argument. I'm an arsehole. He's a control freak. Usually I can laugh about it and stand up and mime out an air traffic controller trying to land a plane, to remind him that he's doing it. But it wasn't funny. I'm busting my gut here. He's been off in Queensland dealing with his other children, while our children here don't really even notice that he's away because he does nothing for them anyway.

Oh my God life is so hard these days. I did not sign up for this bullshit.

Anyway, cut a long story short (too late!) ...... my day started at 4am this morning, with Mr TC calling out to me from the upstairs toilet. He must have called my name 20 times. Suddenly I realised and sat straight up in bed, my heart sinking and the terror forming all over again. I don't think I can adequately describe the horror, of hearing your formerly tough, strong, macho, proud husband ... feebly calling your name in the middle of the night like that. It was the same as the night that we first found out about his tumours, I had to take him into the toilet and help him back to bed. I was nine fucking months pregnant - do you know how hard it is to squat on the toilet floor when your belly is so big you can hardly breathe? And your baby kicks to remind you that he's there, because you know, you forgot? And you don't really care?!

This morning, I ran upstairs to Mr TC. He was on the toilet, shaking, clammy, heavy breathing. He gets worked up into such a state, that I think just my presence calms him down. I literally had to hold his head up. He told me later that he really thought he was going to die. (Of course, no ambulance or doctor for him. Pfft. Ambulances are for pussies, apparently.) I laid down next to him in his bed, he kept apologising, I kept reassuring him it was cool, I was cool. I was feeling like such an arsehole because of the big fights we'd just had hours before.

I laid there for an hour with him, holding him, listening to him breathe. Then Monkey woke for a feed so I came downstairs.


If you saw Mr TC in the street, you would know he is a cancer patient. It's gotten all just really fucked up now. His body must be so, so toxic. The poor thing. I do love him . It's just so hard. Watching the decline. There are two more chemos left, the thought of which makes me sick. One is this Friday, and then the last one has been moved to the 30th of this month. I can't wait until it stops, and he can come good again. He'll come good again.

So, Mr TC walks in tonight after the meeting, and tells me the news that his son will be coming back to live with us next week. I kind of knew it would happen. It's just, I seem to have no control over my life. Everything is just happening and I can't stop it. If things turn to shit with my stepson, then I will not fight it, I really will leave. The thought of him staying up late every night makes me truly feel ill. For some reason, I need everyone in bed before I go to bed. I LOVE my stepson. So much! I'm just - stressed.

I sat there, watching the rest of Nims Island, waiting until Tiger was in bed before my mental breakdown. Whaddya know ... at the end of the film, what song gets played but a U2 song. And not just ANY U2 song ...... Beautiful Day. The tears flooded, hot with rage. No, Bono, it's not. It is very far from a fucking Beautiful Day.

Blah. Ran out of steam. End of my tether, give it all up and let it all go.

I don't understand anything.


Vacant Uterus said...

Oh my sweet girl, what a very hard day. It seems like life is doing its best to grind you into dust. I can't make things better for you which I hate. I've only got this:

Things For Which I Am Proud of You:

1) You take great care of your kids.
2) You take great care of Mr. TC even when you are at the end of your mental and physical rope.
3)You are still standing up under the weight of this pressure without having slipped back into addiction. That is HUGE!
4) You are getting out of bed every single day. Also huge. I mean that seriously.
5) You are willing to give Stepson a try even though the thought of it makes you stressed. That is very compassionate.

I don't understand why all these hard things are happening to you. I wish you didn't have to hurt. No "but"s. Just that.

Kristen said...

I'm just so sorry. Geez, I don't even know where to begin because everything sounds so trite in my mind. I couldn't have said it better than the PP. You are doing a great job even if you feel you are at your wit's end. I think it's a feat that you manage to get out of bed in the morning and tackle what's in front of you, even though those things are sometimes catostrophic and chaotic.

My heart goes out to you. I wish it could be different and I sincerely hope it gets better. For all of you. XOXO

PaleMother said...

"Today has been one of the worst, fucked up, rotten days in a long motherfucking time."

You dropped my guts when I read that because I could only imagine what a kind of bad it was when you've been through so much already each and every day for the last five months.

TC all of my pt and love. I'm sorry things are so nasty. I think of you many times a day.

I'm glad that you are able to write. I know what you mean about going back and reading about the crazy, ugly beginning. I think I hold out on my blog so much because it's hard for me to hammer some things into words 'in the moment' and give form and weight to the uncomfortable chaos. But I'm glad that *you* do write ... so honestly, as everyone always says. Among all the good things that I imagine come from your writing, it lets me hold onto you ... as if somehow that might help. I couldn't stand to imagine you going through this more alone without your bloggie peeps. Everytime you come to your screen and knock, imagine that, way down the internet hall, I rap back and I raise my lighter in silent "I am here" salute, just in case that helps.

I am sorry about your stepson. what a difficult development. So many people around that need so much ... I have many days where I feel like I can't stand to hold up another person let alone myself --and my life isn't kicking me nearly as hard as yours is at the moment. I am glad you have good (understatement) boundaries. Some people criticise that skill (usually the very people who try to violate them), but God knows one needs them in this life.



kateypie35 said...

I have nothing good to say...every thing I try to say sounds so stupid. I so wish your life wasn't being such a bitch to you. I can only hope things start to look up once the last chemo is done. Try to hang in there. : (

bleu said...

Aww love, I so hear your pain, your frustration and your fear, such fear and rightly so!!!!

Mr. TC and the cleaning the office and going to work, it is simply his trying to feel in control of something. You are where he feels safe enough to be weak, the only place, but he hates it too and he runs from it at times. So he does work stuff to feel strong, or at least less out of control. It is maddening for sure but it is what it is.

I am sorry about the stepson fears. How about coming up with ground rules, or telling Mr. TC he has to lay some down if you are all to live somewhat harmoniously??

I still say you need to talk to your sponser and some other program friends to try and arrange online meetings every once in a while, seriously.

Much much much love and huge hugs to you darling!!

G said...

Oh hun. I really can't imagine how hard all of this is. I wish I could hire a nanny/errand girl for you both. Tonight I will buy a lottery ticket, maybe it's feasible!

I agree with bleu on talking to the sponsor and getting help, online or having them come to you. Also on the previous advice to set boundaries with the stepson now. Write up all the rules, have Mr TC agree, modify and add his rules. Both of you agree to stick to them for each other's sanity.

Your stepson needs boundaries too and whether he shows it or not, would probably appreciate them being all spelled out. That way if you become a raving redhead lunatic, he will know it's because he violated Rule 1808901a.17, rather than just thinking you are crazy.

Much love hun. Most nights I am fighting insomnia lately, so email me if you need immediate support, maybe I will be up trying to shake off the bad dreams.


MrsSpock said...

It is hard to have the little ones and still maintain sanity even without cancer. You are doing the best you can with what resources you have.

I don't blame you for fearing the late nights and thumping music of a teenager. years ago I worked in a group home with 5 scary men with behavior problems. At home, I lived next to a mexican bar that played music with a thumping bass all night until 2 AM. I was nearly driven out of my mind, what with the hard days and unable to sleep at night. You must do what you must to maintain your sanity!

Lil said...

isn't it great how you can dump all that shit into your blog and no one will judge you, instead hold your weariness in their hearts so that yours feels a wee bit lighter??

'cause even though i've just discovered you, i'm sit here with the others and hold it too.


Dora said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom. I think Bleu's ideas are great.

I wish I could think of something really comforting to say, but we're here and we're listening. Think of us as your warm blankie on days like this.

Dora said...

Oh, yeah. To cheer you up, I'm going to dig up a dorky photo. :-)

Dora said...

As promised.

Pixxiee said...

I'll be your blankie too. And send you hugs. And remind you that this will pass. And ask you, beg you, to hold on to that. There will be a beautiful day for you. And when it comes, I want you to blog from the heart about it and make me smile instead of make me cry.

Doesn't it break your heart when your big strong man needs you to help him in the bathroom? Done that...and never forgotten it. Take care sweets.

Hugs and love

Gemini Girl said...

Having these low days will in the long run bring you up.

A few weeks ago, when I poured my heart and soul to my therapist about not being happy, and then blogging about it... I hit a rock bottom.

But you know what's great about rock bottom? You can only go up.

Since then, I have been feeling much better. As if I needed to be at my lowest low to get somewhat elevated again.

This will happen to you too.

And if you want a smile? I do your challenge and find you HORRIBLE pictures of me as a pre-teen. Get ready to wince.

JJ said...

Even bigger hugs
I tell you a dirty joke to make you laugh.

Oh TC, I wish I could come keep you company and give you some peace and TLC.

serenity said...

I have nothing for you but a virtual hug.


Evil Stepmonster said...

Fuck TC! I can so understand you feeling overwhelmed, out of control and under appreciated. There is only one of you yet you're needed to be five people at once.

I can feel the knot in your gut about stepson coming. Perhaps you could try to get him on board straight away by being totally honest with him, tell him that his dad is sick and you're struggling to look after him and the kids, so if he's going to live there he needs to pull his weight and behave himself.

Love to you TC, look after yourself and stay strong. Thinking of you and wishing I could help.

Vee said...

F@ck TC, I hate were you are at, it's so bloody hard. I just wish I could promise you it all gets better, easier. It has to , it just can't get any worse.

Sending you big hugs and hoping today is a beautiful day.

Erin said...

I wish you didn't have the weight of the world on your shoulders. It sounds like a crap day completely and totally. There have to be better days coming. I really hope they're coming very soon.

nancy said...

Oh darlin'. Tons of hugs. But, you know what? As I read this, I think you have a leg up on so many women in your same situation (okay, maybe not same situation, but as the wife of a man with cancer who has kids) You are so in touch with how you feel. And how you are angry. And how you actually can be angry AT him. So many women just try to put that all under the rug and give them all the get out of jail cards free and just suck it the fuck up. And these are the women who eventually just fucking LOSE it. But you are able to walk ~with~ it. And although I don't know much about all of this, it makes me feel like for you, this is better for you.

Regardless of what is better for you though, what a shitty day. I concur full heartedly. Come jump on a plane and stay with me for awhile.

m said...

Honey, how I wish I could understand any of this shit - make any of it better for you. I echo Flicka and her points of why I'm so proud of you as well, because I am. And you think of others. And you're funny. And you're kind.
And you're special.


Geohde said...

Ack, TC...

Mate, you're doing effing well given all the Bad STuff...


Wordgirl said...

Oh Topcat - I wish I hadn't been away -you my friend always amaze me with your openness of heart- your willingness to lay yourself bare, to laugh at yourself and to take it all with grace and unflinching honesty. I honest-to-god admire you -- and the business of being a caretaker is an incredibly taxing one -- and you care for so so many --

I take a big deep breath at the news of your stepson coming to stay because I know how fraught those relationships can be -- but I want to hope that he is old enough now -- perhaps he will surprise you. God, look at me -- the eternal optimist.

Oh and W and I watched Nim's island together last week when he was home sick -- here we are, weeks apart on the couch with our boys watching the same thing.




Diana said...

Oh my.. no words for the shit you have going on now, I'm so sorry

Anonymous said...

I'm in Al-anon, not AA but I think sometimes both of our lives can be so parallel. I recently started an "on-line meeting" of sorts. People come and vent and give eachother support.

It helps when you can't get to a meeting. I'm also using it to write down my story in a safe place away from all of the people I know IRL.

Anyway, you're more than welcome to stop by if you need a safe space during the day.