Saturday, 11 October 2008

Midnight is Where the Day Begins

Just quickly need to clarify something. The reason I said I didn't want uplifting comments on a recent post is because ... well, I keep getting so many uplifting comments. And it makes me embarrassed, and a bit "get over yourself, fucks sake." Because, ummm, I keep being in pain and writing it and you are all too nice, and I imagine a nasty person reading thinking oh, shut up already. You only want uplifting comments!

And it's not true - I mean, uplifting comments are very, very nice. Unreal, in fact. But, you know how, when your husband's got cancer, and you're minding 2 kids, how stressful that is. Well, I'm behind in commenting, and reading other peoples blogs, and I feel worried that all I do is take take take.

My plan is to FINALLY try get a google reader happening, get up to date with reading all the blogs I'm itching to read but too busy being all fucked up.

Because, it's nearly the end of chemo, and the end is triggering memories of the beginning of chemo, and spiral spiral spiral ........ I blog, and keep ending up with uplifting comments. And yes I'm over my childhood, but the scars that remain include a very big sense of "I'm not worthy".

You have all kept me propped up. (Props for Topcat!) And fuck me, you simply make me hate people less. Thank you for every. Single. Uplifting. Mofo. Comment.

It's midnight, I am so fucking tired. But I just love the night. I come alive, feel the safest, get my groove on.

Apparently my groove needs to go to sleep. Immediately.



Amanda said...

But you really do deserve all of the uplifting comments. You deserve all the love. You're not taking...everyone is just giving.


bleu said...

Ohmygosh woman, take some for fucks sake. Now is the time to allow others to hold ya up a lil if they can. You still have so much to deal with!!

As for Google reader, I believe you have a mac but I am not sure. I use the RSS feed in my mac mail instead of google reader which is another option.

Anyhoo, I hope you are sleeping soundly.


OHN said...

Blogger dashboard keeps me up to date on all of the blogs I want to be notified of when they are updated. It saves me a ton of time clicking on each blog in my favorites only to see that they are slackers and haven't updated.

TC-you have been going through shit in massive proportions..accept a little love along the way ok? It makes all of us out here feel better so do it for us and don't be a bitch ;)

battynurse said...

Hang in there girl. You deserve a bit of TLC and you also sell yourself short. I know there have definitely been times when your comment has made me smile and feel better. Hugs to you. And that super cute baby!

Vacant Uterus said...

Dammit, my comment got eaten!

The less graceful version is:
I took, took, took when Sarge was acute. Four years of taking. It's a relief to give back. You'll get there too but right now, just TAKE ALREADY!

And you? Are worthy. SO Worthy.

Eff the trolls.

annacyclopedia said...

You are so delightful and wonderful and lovable that it is an honour to give, give, give to you.

And besides, I just read your comment where you told me that I rock and that made my heart smile. So you're not just taking.

And also besides, if you didn't post about what's going on for you, I wouldn't get to know you, or learn about your life and being human and surviving and stuff, and my life would be drab and sucky and miserable without knowing you (now that I know you exist), and so therefore you are giving something to me and I'm sure many many others and therefore you are not just taking but also giving at the same time, paradoxically and perhaps unintentionally, but still. You are giving.

So there. Humph.

Evil Stepmonster said...

If you were just bitching for the sake of bitching we might get bored with you, but you are going through something which is genuinely tough, so just accept the love okay? Kind words are all we can offer since we're too far away to come over and do your shopping or take you away for a girls weekend.

kateypie35 said...

Maybe you don't realize...but you are also uplifting to other people. Every time I read your blog, I get a lift....whether its a laugh from your crass jokes, or a smile looking at your cute sons, or even a cry from the crap you are going through... its a pleasure getting to know you. You deserve all the support. Drink it in!

Hey, I posted my dork about uplifting, yeeeeha!

Almamay said...

Just checking in to say Hey.

Wordgirl said...

Oh my dear Topcat,

My brother once told me that I didn't have to do it all alone -- and somehow, all along, I'd gotten the notion that's what people did -- did it all -- alone -- but when he reminded me that this is what humans are best at -- loving and supporting one another -- I fell back into the support like a soft bed.

I only wish I lived closer and could do more...


Love and love,


Diana said...

Allright how's this? Go f#%^ off Topcat!!!

Hmmm... that didn't feel very good, I'll stick to leaving uplifting comments :)

Stacie said...

I love night also. There is something about the peace of it that I like...the world is quiet, but I feel like I am finally at my best. (I would so do all of the crap I need to do around here at night. Now, all I have to figure out is how to be quiet when I am cutting ceramic tile and I'll be able to get started! :-) )

I am glad you aren't mad that I (and many others) can't follow directions. I only tell you the truth you know. When I say you're amazing, I really think it.

So there.

Love to you as always!

Stacie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacie said...

P.S. the deleted post was me. Somehow it repeated itself. I didn't want you to think it was someone nasty or something.

Antigone said...

That's what we're here for.