Wednesday, 22 October 2008

The Cancer Brought Gifts, Too.

A severe hailstorm woke me up at 3.30am this morning. It pelted down, so suddenly and so quickly. No warning ... it just let loose. I sat straight up in bed, scared shitless. Then, as quickly as my fear ... came my anger. I loved that hailstorm. I egged it on. I wanted every fucking window of our house to be smashed in, so that we would be bloodied and gashed, clutching each other. C'mon, motherfucker!!! Is that all ya got??!! I wanted all of our cars to be smashed beyond recognition, dented and stripped and all fucked up. I wanted the wild water to come streaming into our house, pouring over the floorboards and into our rooms, frothing and foaming.

The most intense feelings of rage came over me. I WAS that fucking hailstorm.

Then, as quickly as it came, it left. Leaving a strange stillness. I ran to check on Tiger, and then Monkey. Then I wondered why I checked on Tiger first.

I went back to bed .... Mr TC is officially back in our bed. It's quite nice, actually. Just to have human contact again, after so many months in Newbornland and Cancerland, respectively.

My hailstorm is always there, just underneath the surface. I am so thoroughly tired and pissed off, at everything my family has been through this year. Beggers fucking belief. Spent. We are at the end. My sister Tee reckons we've done the marathon, now we have entered the stadium. We have one lap to go, but the finish line is in sight. Mr TC can't even think straight. I am fatigued, deep down in my bones. I have been so terribly busy lately - too busy. I'm not good at being busy, I get overwhelmed very easily, so I just overload and shut down. He recently signed up for another season of touch football. He sometimes leaves me for dust in his wake .... all fucked up, can't fight my way out of a paperbag. Sometimes I do wonder what he sees in me .... what did I bring to the table? What am I to him?

I asked him once .... I said "You've given me so much, hon. Name three things I have given you." (You know, one of those typical female questions).

He couldn't think of one thing. Not one! I was so hurt and annoyed ... until I struggled to think of something myself.

"Well.." I spluttered. "Just remember you had NO style when I met you. I made you cool! I made you! And I can break you." I was only half joking about the second part - but it's true about his un-coolness, and I have the Marvin Martian T-shirt photos to prove it.

I have thought this a lot, during our relationship. How different we are. He is SO black and white. All what I am not.

But .... I think I bring a lot more to the table than most of us are aware. I have a huge inner-life. My dreams, my whimsy, the way I look at the world. At times, I tell him what's happening in my head .... and he just shakes his head. Sometimes in disgust, often in wonder. I can be the biggest motherfucking moody, horrible bitch on the planet. It has taken me YEARS to work on handling the terrible white rages that used to come so often. (A family "heirloom", if you like).

He got the best of me, too. Winds are shifting. Change is afoot. We will never look at our lives the same way again. it's like, every day is a gift, because I honestly thought he was going to die, back in May. I was sure of it. Death Himself came to me, in hospital on the Wednesday night. Monkey was being looked after by the nurse, so I was all alone. Twice Death entered the room, I was paralysed. He choked me ... He never came when Monkey was with me, all that purely powerful newborn energy too strong for Him.

You know how there is a flock of sheep, a herd of cows, a gaggle of geese? Well, Mr TC had what I named "A nest of tumours". There was a nest of tumours in Mr TCs stomach and chest. I don't believe it is there anymore ... but the nest has taught us a lot. It brought fear, and helplessness, and darkness - yes. But I choose to look at the gifts as well. My relationship with my sisters has been cemented forever. We are real sisters ... I could buy them a soppy Hallmark "For my sister" card and it would be true.

The nest brought me such a despair, that I started writing in a way I have not written before. My writing is now stronger ... I am stronger. Lately, I have written the text for a childrens book, to hopefully be published in February. Today I got offered a job as an editor at a fancy magazine. More writing work! I can handle anything. I am prepared for anything to happen in life. My endless worrying has ceased - no point. Life's too short.

I have met you! I have opened myself up to you. Like Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar .... this blog is peppered with sprays of my truth. I can't lie, here. It's so ironic - I'm extremely private irl; the exact opposite of here.

So I choose to receive gifts from cancer, as well as the misery. Cancer is so many awful things - but it is one of the most powerful teachers on the planet. If I could live it all again, I would NOT have this happen. No way - especially not with a poor tiny newborn amidst it all. How Monkey was an afterthought to me, for many moons! Nowdays, if I don't answer his cry, he gets so angry. He demands to be my priority. As he should.

It's time for me stop dwelling on this all, soon. I know that. I'm nearly there. I have many blessings. Things could have been so much worse - but I will always have a hailstorm, underneath my skin. I like it there.

13 comments:

Wordgirl said...

I marvel Topcat -- and my particular radar of truth -- the way the tiny hair at the back of my neck, my arms stands up -- I get that when I read you -- and like a current between there and here I get you -- I always said that if it were up to me everything would be overgrown and they would find me with the clocks run down and lightbulbs burned out -- reading -- and G comes in to change the lightbulbs and shake his head, and wonder though, truly wonder at this way of being that's so alien to him.

We are alike -us.

I know that this week holds important milestones for you my friend and I have been thinking of you nearly everyday. It sounds like the writing world is opening itself up to you and that there is a new day coming to you all --

I always think that I keep my own hailstorm private -- but the knowledge that I am stronger than people assume looking at me -- that I know what I can withstand and that makes me powerful -- as it makes you.

Love and love and more,

Your friend,

Pam

G said...

On the radio this morning on the way to work, was that stupid ass song, Tubthumping. Stupid song. But, I couldn't help but to turn it up, up... and sing with them:

I get knocked down... But I get up again.

annacyclopediaisworkingonit said...

Oh sweet Topcat! Is there anyone as brilliant and heartful as you? Your posts are so perfectly sharp, like an obsidian blade, that cut to the heart of all the pain, wonder, truth, and beauty of this life.

I would never wish the cancer on you or on anyone, but I'm grateful to it for making you new in this way, and for being a vehicle for you to share your truth with me and everyone else here. You are a blessing to me, TC, and so I guess the cancer is a sort of blessing, too. It's just one of those many blessings that delivers by ripping you apart and leaving you to put yourself back together again, to struggle your way back to the light, and to clarify your life's priorities. So I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I'm glad I got to find you. And I'm grateful to my own struggles, for breaking me open in the right ways so that I was ready to hear you and so that I could get it, all of what you have to say.

And I don't think you are dwelling ON all of this, TC. Rather, you've been dwelling IN this hailstorm. But the clouds are already moving off, as you know, and your sense of being blessed will only grow. At least, that is my wish for you.

Much love.

bleu said...

You write so beautifully. I felt the visual of your rage at the hailstorm. I am inspired by you so often and am so fortunate to have met you my stranger sister friend.

Love from across the world.

Dora said...

Wow. Just WOW! What a post.

I hope you know that when this is over, the celebrating will be louder than any hailstorm, and heard all around the world!

xoxo

Vee said...

Brava, brava! What a powerful post TC, so much I can relate to.

I so wish the cancer hadn't been part of your life also. I am hoping that last lap is a fast lap and it's all over soon.

Hugs to you and make sure you get some TC time. xx

MrsSpock said...

I love the energy and the life in this post.

May I request (and I say this as someone whose freelance deadline and family illness has caused her to miss the deadline herself) that you submit some of this children's book to the Barren Bitches for a looksey?

Evil Stepmonster said...

I've always known that you were a natural wonder! Its great that you can see the good and bad that Mr TC's cancer brought. But I hope like hell that your marathon is almost over. In fact, I can already hear the cheers from the crowd.

Caba said...

I think you might just be the coolest most honest person ever. I love that post. I love reading your blog. I especially love your honesty and fuck all attitude. I wish so much good you and Mr TC and Tiger and Monkey. You deserve so much happiness. I truly mean that. I really am in awe of your utter strength. Through this journey you've been angry, pissed off, ready to quit, and yet no matter what, you've persevered. You better believe you bring a lot of great to the table! Mr TC is just as lucky to have you as you him. Lots of loves!

Stacie said...

The description of the rage is beautiful. I felt it I was so angry with you while I read those words.

You truly are an amazingly strong person. I am humbled, especially when I think of how I have faced my own life this last year, by your outlook and perserverance. Your ability to find the positives in all of that misery is just plain inspiring!

(and I wouldn't say you're dwelling on this either)

Much love as always.

anna said...

What have you brought to Mr. TC? I can't believe he didn't have an answer for you! Clearly, you have so much passion and such a gift with words. You touch so many hearts through your writing and your story. Hail storm or not, I'm still reading!

anna said...

What have you brought to Mr. TC? I can't believe he didn't have an answer for you! Clearly, you have so much passion and such a gift with words. You touch so many hearts through your writing and your story. Hail storm or not, I'm still reading!

Tee said...

Oh little bro, out of all of your fucking amazing posts, this is my all time favourite. I think that grace is sitting on your shoulder again this week my friend. You've got half a lap of that marathon to go, your thirsty, tired, probably hanging to finish the fucking race, get your medal and go the fuck home. I love you. Tee x