The Cancer Brought Gifts, Too.

A severe hailstorm woke me up at 3.30am this morning. It pelted down, so suddenly and so quickly. No warning ... it just let loose. I sat straight up in bed, scared shitless. Then, as quickly as my fear ... came my anger. I loved that hailstorm. I egged it on. I wanted every fucking window of our house to be smashed in, so that we would be bloodied and gashed, clutching each other. C'mon, motherfucker!!! Is that all ya got??!! I wanted all of our cars to be smashed beyond recognition, dented and stripped and all fucked up. I wanted the wild water to come streaming into our house, pouring over the floorboards and into our rooms, frothing and foaming.

The most intense feelings of rage came over me. I WAS that fucking hailstorm.

Then, as quickly as it came, it left. Leaving a strange stillness. I ran to check on Tiger, and then Monkey. Then I wondered why I checked on Tiger first.

I went back to bed .... Mr TC is officially back in our bed. It's quite nice, actually. Just to have human contact again, after so many months in Newbornland and Cancerland, respectively.

My hailstorm is always there, just underneath the surface. I am so thoroughly tired and pissed off, at everything my family has been through this year. Beggers fucking belief. Spent. We are at the end. My sister Tee reckons we've done the marathon, now we have entered the stadium. We have one lap to go, but the finish line is in sight. Mr TC can't even think straight. I am fatigued, deep down in my bones. I have been so terribly busy lately - too busy. I'm not good at being busy, I get overwhelmed very easily, so I just overload and shut down. He recently signed up for another season of touch football. He sometimes leaves me for dust in his wake .... all fucked up, can't fight my way out of a paperbag. Sometimes I do wonder what he sees in me .... what did I bring to the table? What am I to him?

I asked him once .... I said "You've given me so much, hon. Name three things I have given you." (You know, one of those typical female questions).

He couldn't think of one thing. Not one! I was so hurt and annoyed ... until I struggled to think of something myself.

"Well.." I spluttered. "Just remember you had NO style when I met you. I made you cool! I made you! And I can break you." I was only half joking about the second part - but it's true about his un-coolness, and I have the Marvin Martian T-shirt photos to prove it.

I have thought this a lot, during our relationship. How different we are. He is SO black and white. All what I am not.

But .... I think I bring a lot more to the table than most of us are aware. I have a huge inner-life. My dreams, my whimsy, the way I look at the world. At times, I tell him what's happening in my head .... and he just shakes his head. Sometimes in disgust, often in wonder. I can be the biggest motherfucking moody, horrible bitch on the planet. It has taken me YEARS to work on handling the terrible white rages that used to come so often. (A family "heirloom", if you like).

He got the best of me, too. Winds are shifting. Change is afoot. We will never look at our lives the same way again. it's like, every day is a gift, because I honestly thought he was going to die, back in May. I was sure of it. Death Himself came to me, in hospital on the Wednesday night. Monkey was being looked after by the nurse, so I was all alone. Twice Death entered the room, I was paralysed. He choked me ... He never came when Monkey was with me, all that purely powerful newborn energy too strong for Him.

You know how there is a flock of sheep, a herd of cows, a gaggle of geese? Well, Mr TC had what I named "A nest of tumours". There was a nest of tumours in Mr TCs stomach and chest. I don't believe it is there anymore ... but the nest has taught us a lot. It brought fear, and helplessness, and darkness - yes. But I choose to look at the gifts as well. My relationship with my sisters has been cemented forever. We are real sisters ... I could buy them a soppy Hallmark "For my sister" card and it would be true.

The nest brought me such a despair, that I started writing in a way I have not written before. My writing is now stronger ... I am stronger. Lately, I have written the text for a childrens book, to hopefully be published in February. Today I got offered a job as an editor at a fancy magazine. More writing work! I can handle anything. I am prepared for anything to happen in life. My endless worrying has ceased - no point. Life's too short.

I have met you! I have opened myself up to you. Like Jim Carrey in Liar, Liar .... this blog is peppered with sprays of my truth. I can't lie, here. It's so ironic - I'm extremely private irl; the exact opposite of here.

So I choose to receive gifts from cancer, as well as the misery. Cancer is so many awful things - but it is one of the most powerful teachers on the planet. If I could live it all again, I would NOT have this happen. No way - especially not with a poor tiny newborn amidst it all. How Monkey was an afterthought to me, for many moons! Nowdays, if I don't answer his cry, he gets so angry. He demands to be my priority. As he should.

It's time for me stop dwelling on this all, soon. I know that. I'm nearly there. I have many blessings. Things could have been so much worse - but I will always have a hailstorm, underneath my skin. I like it there.