Friday, 31 October 2008

Not Dead

This morning, I say my husband is "in chemo". When he gets home this afternoon, I will from then on say "My husband is recovering from almost six months of chemo."

I thought I would feel so elated today. So triumphant, air-punching, yeeeeeeees. But no.

Instead, I feel utterly spent. I'm so weighed down and drowning. Had the WORST day yesterday, involving writing quotes and invoices for Mr TC from morning till 11pm. Trying to mind Monkey. Cook dinner. Mr TC tells me how to WRITE, so we have the biggest, nastiest argument. In front of the baby. Nice.

Then, I apologise. Then, he goes out last night to play footy ..... he now plays footy, soccer, and goes out to a regular Monday dinner. Which means, he is not here Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. Do you think that's fair? Because I don't. Especially when I'm trying to cook dinner every night, help Tiger with his homework, and put the baby to bed. (Baby screamed for three hours last night! Right on! Mr TC walked in, sweaty from his game, just as Monkey finally fell asleep. I was a jangly mess with a nervous tic ... Mr TC goes "Hey hon! What's for dinner? Mmmmmm, schnitzel!") After refraining from shoving schnitzel up his arse, I told him in NO uncertain terms that it was not fair he goes out so much.

Blah. Mr TCs comeback was that I was the one who wanted the baby in the first place, why should it interfere with his plans.

Today I (SHOCK!) have not organised dinner yet! The kitchen sink will stay exactly how he and stepson left it this morning! I keep telling them I am not their slave ... I am NOT nanna! But the house is my job, I do all the house things, I do writing things. I do a lot.

Today I feel awash with the years heartache. It's been so terribly hard. I danced to Pink on my iPod in front of Monkey and made him smile. Tonight I will take Tiger to his school Halloween disco. I'm planning my next tattoo.

Tonight, there is also a school reunion of sorts, near where I live. It's being held at a pub.

Apparently I fucked half the bar staff and most of the clientele there, so I probably won't go.

Although, given the mood I'm in, I'm likely to go and DARE someone to say something to me.



OHN said...

I have always said that marriage can be heaven or hell and sometimes both within minutes of each other.

If it weren't for the sex part, I could totally be gay. Women understand women. Men are idiots. I am doing my shit best to raise 3 of them that get a clue and sometimes I think it is a battle that will never be won.

bleu said...

Ohn TRUST, relationships with women can be JUST as infuriating, if not more. It does not get any easier, I promise.

Sending you lots of love Topcat, that sounds so upsetting to me and I would go off at the "you wanted a baby" statement, like totally off.

So I am just sending love and hugs.

MrsSpock said...

My husband pisses me off with his sports too. Every Sunday and some Saturdays are hockey days. Now that it's winter, he and his officemates have "game night" on Thursdays as well. Instead of a family vacation every year, he spends his time at a week-long hockey tournament. Leaving me alone with the baby. When the hell do I get a night off, I'd say. You don't work- you're off all week, he says. WTF? I work 24/7- and now I get to add 3 13 hour nursing shifts to that- and yet I am still responsible for finding child care for his sports days.

These guys can take their sports and fuck them.

No- I'm not bitter either, LOL.

Vacant Uterus said...

"You wanted the baby, why should it interfere with my plans?" ADLKFJ*%*(%*OLADJF$#i!!!!!

So sad that he made it all the way through chemo only to be killed by a mob of angry women. ERG! Even Sarge, who sometimes does not shut up when he should, agrees that Mr. TC should have started kissing your feet after that one. Wow.

I don't know if you can, but could you one day announce that you are going out and he is responsible for the kids? Just walk out and leave him stranded? I realize this is not the high road but I am curious as to how he'd find that small bit of turn-about...

Geohde said...


Mate, I wish I lived near enough to you to come visit.We could BOTH challenge the world to go stuff itself. :)


Evil Stepmonster said...

Some might suggest that being uber-busy is his way of coping and maintaining control of his life. But fuck that. 4 nights out is too much. For you and for his health. Poor Tiger must miss him too.

Anonymous said...

I would think maybe his excessive plans are perhaps his way of maintaining a form of normality, maybe a type of control that he isn't going to let this beat him or hold him back...? but at the end of the day you need him too and so do your beautiful little men. Supporting eachother is what a family is, not one person being the backbone for everyone. You can't be the backbone without support for yourself too. You have to do what is best for you.
Thinking of you.

Bee Cee said...

Urrrgh that sounds shitty. My hubby buggers off most Saturdays to drive 4 hours to watch his beloved football team play. Well tomorrow it is my turn, he is coming to watch MY team, who are playing near home....and he bloody well better enjoy it!

Hope you manage to feel better when he gets home. Its a big milestone.

Saying that you wanted the baby is no excuse. Would you accept 4 nights out if you didn't have children? I wouldn't, it's too much.

Hugs x

PaleMother said...

Great comments so far. I laughed out loud at VU's ... Shame he made it this far only to be killed by a mob of angry women. :)!

"when I'm trying to cook dinner every night, help Tiger with his homework, and put the baby to bed. (Baby screamed for three hours last night! Right on! Mr TC walked in, sweaty from his game, just as Monkey finally fell asleep. I was a jangly mess with a nervous tic ... Mr TC goes "Hey hon! What's for dinner? Mmmmmm, schnitzel!") After refraining from shoving schnitzel up his arse,"

I think they should try that one at Guantanamo. Since the Geneva Convention was probably written by a commitee of men, they could get some inhuman damage done while the watch dogs dine on schnitzel and play footy.

I often say to DH when he strolls in like that ... Make sure my kids know that I love them after they lock me away for attempted murder.

I probably need to change my line, because it makes him *laugh.*

I love you, TC.

D. was here.


annacyclopedia said...

Perhaps when he asks you where dinner is you can tell him that HE's the one who wants to eat, so why should it interfere with your plans?

Wishing you some space for your anger to come out and for Mr. TC to get a clue.

vamplita said...

That was poorly done of Mr. TC. While I do understand his mindset of "I'm going to prove that I'm just as strong and capable as I was before", and playing football is a fantastic way to do just that. However, another place he needs to show that he's still strong and capable is in the husband and father departments. I hope he catches his snap, before he once again realizes that he's missed his kids' growing up. He of all people should want to take every measure he could to prevent strained relationships between himself and any more of his kids.

JJ said...

Well crap...not cool. Hoping for renewed strength and peace for both of you--its been a lot for both of you lately, goodness knows.
Sending you lots of hugs!

Mrs M@sk said...

That is so not on. You have a right to go on a cooking/cleaning strike.

Beautiful Mess said...

I don't have anything to say that the other brilliant woman have already said. So, I'll just let ya know I'll be your ablibi and that I'm sending you hugs..oh and Mr. TC luck because he'll need to after what he said!

Pixxiee said...

Oh my God. That remark about the baby just blew me away. That would have cut deep. Shit, he is going to need to do some serious crawling and reallocating of his priorities very soon...

Men. I love mine dearly, and on the whole he is great. He's at home doing chores while I am pulling a Saturday at work (don't laugh, this is my morning tea break!) But sometimes, yeah he just makes me wanna throw something pointy and heavy at his head.

It's lucky we love them, cos sure as hell, no one else would!

Hang in there chick. Oh. And the reunion? Maybe a bad idea given how you are feeling, just my two cents worth.

Vee said...

Well that sucks big time. A compromise is definitely in order.

Even though I would love my hubby to be out of the house at least one night, he is always home but four nights is a bit much.

I think the strike is a great idea.

battynurse said...

Crap. so sorry about the argument and all the BS happening. That whole why should you wanting a baby affect my life, yup I probably would have lost it on that one. I hope something gets worked out soon. Hugs to you.

Wordgirl said...

Did blogger eat my comment? That might be the first time that's ever happened -- and it was a good one too! Damn it...

I said something about how this is what happens when you're number 18 -- all these awesome comments before you that make me nod my head --and laugh (VU that was a good one) my lost comment was all about how human beings are so incredibly flawed they end up hurting the people they love the most -- and how though I agree with Bleu and it isn't something that belongs to men alone -- most men I've been involved with are not quick to express themselves --and if they argue its quickly forgotten -- and then they look at me blankly if its clear I've been chewing on something they said earlier. G will often say "we men are simple creatures" -- and in a way, he's right -- I don't doubt that he feels deeply -- and loves me beyond distraction - but there are times when I still feel underappreciated -- he doesn't feel the need to talk and connect the way I would -- and if he's stressed ... well, god forbid, the coping skills are nil.

I'm thinking of you with love my friend. I hope tomorrow is a better day...oh and I googled the area you mentioned -- it looks like paradise...I can't wait to visit.

And of course you're rocking out to Pink -- I've been dancing to her new song all day -- and in fact I even thought to myself -- if I were a rockstar I'd totally be Pink.



Diana said...

oh my, oh my, oh my. Mr TC needs to get a grip. NOW.

Me said...

The tragedy of profound illness is that humanity doesn't cease. The outside world things of the spouse of someone who's ill as a martyr type figure... and they imagine every instant is filled with love and compassion. But that's not real life. Real life is being overwhelmed by being responsible for EVERYTHING while your spouse is doing NOTHING, adding to what you must do. But it's so un-PC to think that much less say it. And it's not as though you have no compassion for their plight - quite the contrary - you want desperately for them to not be sick. But that doesn't make the flaws of the relationship any less bearable, if anything the stress/remorse cycle exacerbates it.