Wednesday, 8 October 2008

I Need a Bullet

Here are some bullets, for no particular reason:

* Please, please stop by Only Half Nuts. She is facing some seriously scary, tumour-like shit with her husband. Please give her a hug, love, and support.

* I cannot believe how shithouse I feel. Had at least three meltdowns today, punching the floor, ugly crying, etc. If it wasn't so fucking painful it would be funny.

* Mr TC keeps shitting me so bad. We keep having stupid arguments. Fuck. But, there's this tiny little voice in the back of my brain telling me to back off, because if something bad happens to him, I will regret being such a bitch. I hate that I think that.

* The only reason I am not smoking cigarettes is because I don't want to get cancer. I don't want my kids having BOTH parents with cancer.

* Mr TCs stomach is swollen. He's worried the tumours are back. I told him not to worry ... it's probably just fat. I made light of it, but I am worried too. Especially that he feels so bad and it's chemo on Friday. I'm scared about how his body will cope.

* Sometimes I want to grab both my kids and run run run out of this house away from him and away from the sick and the tumours and not look back.

* Monkey is seven kilos. I will write a whole post about him soon. He smiles at everyone he meets - LOVES it when people talk to him. He's so beautiful. Sometimes, though, I think that babies are such hard work it's hard for the mother to simply enjoy them.

* I'm in constant emotional pain. I cannot WAIT for my sister Rex to get here tomorrow night. She told me she's bringing her 90's CD, so I will clear us a dancefloor.

* You're not allowed to leave any amazing, uplifting comments to this post.

* I keep finding people on Facebook who I really wished I'd forgotten about.

* My heart is so heavy, I may have to build it a little cart to sit in and wheel around. Cannot wait to talk about the present day in the past tense.

* Christmas decorations are up in shops. WTF!!!!!!!

* I'm starting to get really concerned about my stepson coming back here. Makes me panic. A lot.

* Today, I thought I'd better pick an Angel card. I was reaching my hand out towards it, thinking "I really need to pick the surrender card." (The card that I kept picking on the day Monkey was born).

* I picked the surrender card.

21 comments:

Wordgirl said...

Topcat,

First of all -- I think our mothers, no surprise, would get along swimmingly -- and that ee cummings poem was in our wedding!! you had ee cummings too? That just makes me smile my friend.

I was thinking of you the other day but it was more along the lines of "I can't believe Topcat has always celebrated Christmas in the summer" -- how random is that?

It gets no harder than what you're facing TC -- and what I'm floored by is just what wonderful care you're giving yourself, even though it might be hard to see --and write it out, write write write -- go to meetings --I'm so thankful your sister is coming because it is so hard to do it on your own.

I just want you to know that I am here. Silly because I'm half the world away, but I am.

Love,

Pam

And boy do I have a photo I'm going to post! I have to unearth it first -- luckily (or not so luckily) I'm going to my mother's today...she hoards all of the worst ones.

PaleMother said...

" Once, I had really long hair ... and she made the hairdresser cut it all off."

My mom did that to me. I think I was six. To be fair, I wasn't good about taking care of it, I was prone to twisting it (still am) and I'd scream *a lot* when she would brush it. So it was probably the only practical thing to do, but it was still traumatic. Not so much losing the hair, but not having the control over my personal space. I think a lot of my anger/resentment comes from people trying to over-control me (to appease their own anxiety) as a kid. I will make lots of parenting mistakes myself, but not that one. I hope ....

Anyway ... DD is eight and now she has the long, gorgeous hair that I wasn't allowed to keep. It's down past her arse, as you would say. I leave it up to her whether she wants to cut it. So far, she puts up with the painful grooming (she is a more accomodating personality than I was). My mother keeps telling us to cut it, and think "F*** off. F*** WAY off."

The worst part about having my hair cut ... I think Tee said her hair is the same ... is that ... unless you know how to tame my hair with a blow dryer and a round vent brush ... it is a wavy, wirey uncooperative dorky mess. It's like me ... good hair, just a lot of work. ;)

I have short hair now and it's fine but back then ... well let's say I owe you a dork photo. I'll see if I can copy my senior picture out the yearbook. Cringe.

"The only reason I am not smoking cigarettes is because I don't want to get cancer."

I'll drink to that. :) I miss smoking so much. If only it didn't kill you. I don't regret quitting. I regret that I have to miss it. And that I have to worry that the ten years that I did smoke will come back to haunt me before my kids are grown. Scares the crap out of me. Who knew I'd have such amazing extra reasons to live?

"Cannot wait to talk about the present day in the past tense."

Ack, me too. C'mon. Get the F*** up. Now. Let's get you the F*** outta here. (Reminds me of a movie on cable this weekend ... the remake of the Poseidon Adventure. That boat ride was almost as hairy as your life right now. Almost.)

"Today, I thought I'd better pick an Angel card. I was reaching my hand out towards it, thinking "I really need to pick the surrender card."

My friend who died this summer ... the rescue medium ... he used to do Angel cards. I was missing him so I bougt myself a deck at the beach this summer as a birthday present. The first time that I used them, some of the artwork kind of bugged me (I'm an illstration snob). So I didn't get into them right away. For some reason, on Monday, I found the deck. I pulled a bunch of really interesting cards. The first one was ... something about letting go of the past. Keep the lessons, drop the pain. Because it's not for me now. Good advice.

Surrender, huh? Talk about the "s" word.

BTW, thanks for your comments/replies! Sorry I've been scarce/lame. I've been MIA in bloggy land ... not for lack of material, but because things are mind flatteningly stupid around here. I've got my Viking Cap on, but have you ever seen a Viking having a panic attack? Not pretty. ;-) More Monty Python than Epic Hero. Commenting on your blog is the only time I have been able to allow myself for online, but I'll be in touch as soon as I can.

Keep writing.

xxoo

D.

PS Bleep uplifting comments, you giant prat. (I always feel better when people insult me when I'm down ... rather than useless pity, it says "You are such a tough, crusty, badass dog that I can totally kick you when you're down because I know this life bull**** is no match for you.")

PPS If you believe in reincarnation, I keep having this thought while reading your blog that ... you are quite the ninja soul to have chosen these challenges for yourself (is that how it works?). FWIW, I have total confidence that you are up to wringing every last crumb out of the lessons.

bleu said...

OK NO nice comment here, I am going to be a bitch so I am warning you.

You are doing great, especially talking this shit out. I do, however, see that ever hateful terminal uniqueness peeking it's ugly head it.

So here is my tough love Rx for you.

What you atre going through sucks ass, plain and simple it is just awful.

BUT

It is not the worst thing to happen to someone. Spend a little time reading up on Darfur and seeing what you can do to help. Spend some time at a children's hospital.

What I am suggesting is you find some ways to take the focus off of you and your situation because as an addict you have the ability to focus in in in and like a microscope you keep turning the focus tighter on it can get very obsessive and then the pain and anger and hurt gets blown up so high you want to stop it with using. So you need to get a wider focus, get grateful, and get some perspective, if that is possible.

I love you so much and ONLY say this because I truly feel it will help you darling.

bleu said...

I so hope I don't come across awful here hun. Or that you think I am in any way belittling the situation. I am so not. I am just trying to offer suggestion to help you get out of the immediate pain in a healthful way.

Much love.

Dora said...

Ooooh, I agree with Bleu. Finding ways to do things for others has been a joy. Lately it's the only joy, so I'll take it greedily!

I heart you, too, girlfriend! AND I HATE YOUR MOTHER! I already hated her from what you've posted before, but holy crap, you had such gorgeous, glossy hair, and what a chop job! My mother's cut from the same cloth. While I'm glad our mothers are on opposite sides of the world, I wish I was closer so I could give you a huge hug. And get some Monkey love! Sounds like he's very generous with it.

MrsSpock said...

I had lice in the 4th grade and my mother had to cut my long, thick, waist-length hair. I think she felt worse about it than me, though. She just couldn't get all the nits out of mine, and the other 4 sibs had lice too, and she was a single mother etc. My bowl cut was horrid as well.

My best friend's husband has a malignant brain tumor and she is hanging by a thread as far as staying with him. You are not the only one who has these thoughts. When you are well, you are carrying the burdens for everyone. Who wouldn't dream of an escape from that? Sometimes all you can do is wake up and keep putting one foot in front of the other until it is time to sleep.

G said...

No uplifting comments from me, I promise. Fuck that. No little smiley faces either, and you know that's hard for me.

Post all the things you want to limit the stepson from doing and I will create your rules list. Stop ignoring that sound advice, FFS or no more Disneyland in my dreams with me!

I am so participating in the Dork pix, I am totally going to win.

Now, instead of hugs and kisses (xoxo), I am giving you a big ole go fuck yourself, with no smiley after it and that's crazy hard for me. Look what you are doing to me, beootchhhh!

xooxoxoxox
:)

(oops)

annacyclopedia said...

Ok, I just thought of the photo I want to post. Not sure if I have a copy, though - might be with my parents, who live too far away to get it up on time. But I will consider myself the winner anyway, because that photo is pure gold in terms of securing my status as biggeest dork of all time.

I'm not saying any nice, uplifting things, but I'm thinking them very fiercely in your direction. And you SO know I'm right.

Hugs and love and cuddles in the meantime.

battynurse said...

Just thinking of you.
I remember my worst cut, I wanted my hair cut like Dorothy Hamill and the lady tried but it didn't work. I ended up after being fixed having hair that was about 2 inches long all over. Ugg.

Vacant Uterus said...

Your mother sucks dead bears. I'm sorry to say that about anyone's mother but seriously, yours does. You are SUCH a better mother than she is. (Wait, does that count as nice? I said it in a mean way in my head.)

What IS up with those Christmas decorations?! I can't handle any more pressure! Sarge and I had a big "discussion" (fight) about my desire to STAY HOME and his desire to drive two hours north to visit his rude obnoxious family and cart Sam everywhere over the holiday. Not cool. Am going anyway. Feeling rebellious.

I would like a cigarette, too. It's been years but every once in a while we'll go somewhere and someone will be smoking and I'll want to just suck the smoke right out of their mouth. I wonder if that ever goes away.

Damn straight you are not dragging your kids through a relapse into addiction. Mitch, Bogart and I will totally kick your redheaded ass if you do. And Mitch fights dirty. Remeber that.

xo

Lori said...

Being the caretaker is so hard, and it's made even harder because it's overlooked.

Last year, my sister's husband was suddenly paralyzed (Guillain-Barre Syndrome) and it looked for awhile like he wouldn't survive. He did, and the recovery has been verrrrry slow.

Everyone knows what HE's been through, but few notice what SHE's been through. And, she is going through some of the child-care things you mentioned a few posts ago.

So. Not uplift from me. Just a note to say I notice you and I see that you got the short end of the stick because there is no long end.

XO

passingwindows said...

It's obviously not a good week for mothers. Mine is annoying all her daughters to the point where we think, "How does my father do it?" And I agree about Facebook, schoolfriends who I have NO interest in contacting keep on popping up and what do you do? I'm turning into a Facebook bitch. Block. Block. Block. And those crying fits? Ditto. It it wasn't so painful, it would be a stupid comedy as in "Come on, all that stuff cannot happen to ONE person, get real." Ummm, unfortunately it is.

Enough non-cheering up? I admire your strength, glad you are going to meetings, sounds like you are taking very good care of yourself and your kids.

rex said...

MATE - I cannot WAIT to Strike It Up on your dancefloor, I LIKE BIG BUTTS.......

I'll take your bullets bro - you don't need any more.........even the spiders.

Love you brozone xx

tobacco brunette said...

I wish I could join you on your
90s dance floor...

I was thinking of you because I just came home with a bag each of Kit Kats and Peanut Butter Cups (two for one Halloween deal...how can I pass that up?).

So in other words: "chocolate makes me think of you." I'm not sure I can think of a greater compliment.

Have fun with your sister.

XOXO

nancy said...

It's a good thing we aren't allowed to write any uplifting or amazing comments, because as we both know, my comments aren't like that.

You know how you said you hit the junkie jackpot? You are completely and absolutely wrong. Having everything turn to shit isn't a reason to use, it's a reason ~not~ to use. With so much shit around, you simply can't add to it. No fucking way. Only when everything is going swimmingly do we think we can get away with "just one more time" and woohoo! Your life is ~not~ going swimmingly, so no chance for that! yay! ( ~wink~ )

Vee said...

So glad you are not bottling it all up. Let it out, scream it to the world if you have to!
I am sorry you are feeling shithouse, it sounds like your sis will rescue you. Have bop for me.

Just wanted to let you know Max had a swollen tummy whilst doing chemo also, his fear was exactly the same that his tumour was growing. But it turns out it was the meds he was on which made him very bloated. It has settled now that he has finished the chemo.

Tee said...

Firstly, Bleu what the hell is with that comment? I was reminded of Anna the stupid masseuse.

Secondly, the bloatedness is all to do with the drugs reacting to his now tumourless body, and nothing to do with tumours growing back. I KNOW this to be true.

Come on fuckknuckle, you've fallen off your bike this week, so what, get up dust yourself off, shake that bowl haircut, adjust those plastic glasses, and get going girlfriend!

Tee x

Stacie said...

One of my new mottos lately is "sometimes it is good enough to just show up". I think this is one of those time, don't you?

It sucks to be the one who has to carry all the worry, watch over everyone and make sure they are okay, and still have to keep chugging like your world isn't falling apart. Been there. And sadly, the only thing to do is keep doing it. It all sucks.

This week was for just showing up--next week is for kicking ass. Whose ass? Anyone who gets in your way (even the Mr.'s if it deserves it)!

Geohde said...

I'm not allowed to leave an uplifting comment? :)

Can I just say 'areseholes to cancer' instead, then, my friend?

:)

xx

J

bleu said...

Oh Goddess I hope the comment did not come across like the awful masseuse!!! Truly I am flinging ideas out to get out of herself and her stuckness. My heart absolutely aches for her.

Stacie said...

Okay. I am one to not follow directions. Tell me to not do something, and I make a bee line straight to whatever it was you told me not to do. So, I just can't help myself. You told me not to; therefore, I am compelled. I must. I have to. I can't help myself. It is really all your fault (in case you are wondering).

If you are not interested in an uplifting post, turn away from this comment...

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are." ~Aurelius Augustine; St. Augustine of Hippo (13 November 354 – 20 August 430)