(And wine-free! Get it, get it!!! Heh heh) ......
Look! Random pics instead of the usual cancer cancer cancer chemo chemo stepson stepson cancer chemo. Poor me poor me pour me another drink fucks sake GET GRATEFUL WOMAN.
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Aren't they great? Wait - I've been sitting here for an hour, trying to upload pics. But Blogger won't let me.
But, I have to post this, because the WHOLE PURPOSE OF THIS POST WAS TO GET THE PREVIOUS POST OFF THE TOP BECAUSE ALL I DO IS WHHHHHHHHIIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEE.
I have officially lost the motherfucking plot. If it's not one thing, it's another. Just when I have everything sorted, and I'm ok ..... something else happens. When my head is a can of worms, I start thinking, what's the point of anything?? It appears recent events have brought me to my knees and I'm starting to worry about my recovery. Fucks sake.
How annoying I am being. Then, as if on cue, I hear Monkey stir, and I want to run screaming from the house with my hands waving high in the air.
But, instead of blogging all that, my plan was to just post some pretty pics, so I could prove to you that I have a grip.
But Blogger won't let me, because, you know - Blogger takes it up the arse.
Goodnight.
Look! Random pics instead of the usual cancer cancer cancer chemo chemo stepson stepson cancer chemo. Poor me poor me pour me another drink fucks sake GET GRATEFUL WOMAN.
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Aren't they great? Wait - I've been sitting here for an hour, trying to upload pics. But Blogger won't let me.
But, I have to post this, because the WHOLE PURPOSE OF THIS POST WAS TO GET THE PREVIOUS POST OFF THE TOP BECAUSE ALL I DO IS WHHHHHHHHIIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEE.
I have officially lost the motherfucking plot. If it's not one thing, it's another. Just when I have everything sorted, and I'm ok ..... something else happens. When my head is a can of worms, I start thinking, what's the point of anything?? It appears recent events have brought me to my knees and I'm starting to worry about my recovery. Fucks sake.
How annoying I am being. Then, as if on cue, I hear Monkey stir, and I want to run screaming from the house with my hands waving high in the air.
But, instead of blogging all that, my plan was to just post some pretty pics, so I could prove to you that I have a grip.
But Blogger won't let me, because, you know - Blogger takes it up the arse.
Goodnight.
10 comments:
"Blogger takes it up the arse."
Heh, heh, hey (she laughs manically like Bevis and Butthead)
She said up the arse.
LOL.
I needed a good laugh and that did it.
Hed, heh, up the arse....
Blogger has been a real poop this week.
Are you trying to say that anyone who takes it up the arse is bad somehow??? hmm?????
lol
Hun, I don't think this is one of those things where you can pull yourself up by your bootstraps. I mean, yah, you can LIVE with stepson because if it came down to it you could LIVE in a mud hut and farm tobacco with a stick and eat grubs. But it's not anywhere close to ideal. What you've got here is poverty of spirit and it's not because you're unwilling to try or incapable of loving Stepson or anyone else. You're just broken (like the rest of us!) and you need some help. Smurf me if I know what that help should look like (aren't I just wonderful today?) but I really do think you should stop beating yourself up over this whole issue. You will try your utmost to serve the people you love and that includes Stepson and Mr. TC but NO ONE has the reserves in them to do what you are asking yourself to do. No one. You are not a whiner and not a bad person. Just human. And you need some people to come carry you for a while.
Dearest Topcat,
It is dreary here today - it is sleeting and gray. I always find that I want the exact right word to say...but all I can really say is what I did and do when life seems dark to me.
There's a book by a Buddhist nun -- Pema Chodron -- The Places that Scare you -- and I found when I was in the darkest place I'd ever been in that the things I read there gave me the faintest glimmer of a light.
Somehow her writing spoke to me - it connected me to others and made me human even when I felt so disconnected and alone -- and it promised me that if I could just stay open, to remind myself of where I'd been, how strong I'd been, how every person I met brought me to where I was and that my heart which was breaking, I felt, with so much pain -- when I opened it -- my heart was actually stretching.
And I knew, just knew, in the end that I was here for a reason - that all the shit, the awful shit had happened for a reason -- if it was simply to come across that one person that time and we connected and that path of theirs changed...then that was it.
Your very being and your story has changed me Topcat. I wish I could be there to carry you for a while. No one can do it all on their own. You are carrying so much my friend.
I had someone say something once to me 'you'd never be so hard on a friend of yours as you are on yourself' -- and that comes back to me time and time again. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to keen and scream and be fucking angry because what you've been dealt is a raw deal. But be gentle with yourself.
I hope I don't sound preachy -- I see so much I recognize and wish that I could just fill the post with the meaningful silence of sitting there and shouldering the burden with you.
Love,
Pam
And step-mothering? It sucks friend, it's so effing hard and sometimes thankless, even in the best of times.
hey. wanna know something weird? yesterday was my "clean" birthday. Oct 25th. 12 years.
Hang in there girl. I hope that things start to look better.
Pam pretty much said it all a million times better than I could muster right now. I so wish I could be there and help out, TC. I'd come over and clean your house and make supper and tend Monkey's stinky diapers and let you have a bath and a nap and go to meetings and do whatever you wanted to do. If there's one thing you should know about me is that I excel at co-dependent caregiving. ;)
I'm keeping you in my prayers today and wishing you some peace. Oh, and if you haven't checked out Pema Chodron already, take Pam's advice and get something. I had the exact same experience with "When Things Fall Apart." It is so good for me to hear that there's nothing wrong with me because I'm suffering.
May there be moments of peace and clarity amidst everything you're going through right now, and may you be gentle with yourself.
Much love, with a batch of virtual home-made baked beans and a salad and loaf of nice bread.
"Just when I have everything sorted, and I'm ok ..... something else happens." Oh boy do I hear you girl !
Sending you bigs hugs TC and always thinking of you.
Sneh, heh, heh.
You said a rudie!
Wordpress is no better :)
J
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